Old Faces, New Faces and Dear Faces

Some photos that "have never been published" :P I've been collecting them since the summer, and I keep postponing uploading them. Because a lot of people have requested them, and because I am deeply bored with my Anarchism essay, I am uploading them here now. Enjoy! :)

My dear friend Jyoti, one of the prettiest girls I've seen :)


A rather lovely pic of me actually :)


My friend Rikkie giving me a heart attack over a scratch :)


The White Stripes



Flex, the only person who trusted me with their hair and who looked good :))


A lovely pic from London


The silence of the lambs (Calum and Emily)


Me and Mini-Me


A spectacular staircase in London


Still one of the best photos I've taken :))


Halloween 2009


:) :*


Halloween 2009 (Elise,me,Zoe)


Making Politics Matter 2009

From the event with Julian Brazier

Music

How I feel when you are not here. I wait and wait to lose myself.







Video courtesy to Youtube.

Pusta Mladost

Many times I have attempted to write in my blog whenever I was feeling sad. If the emotions are overpowering me, then writing seems to work out well, it seems to help me put my mind in order and start looking for a way to make things better. Tonight I will prove my writer's nature wrong and write when I'm happy, when I'm at peace and when things seem to happen just right. I'll be pulling the Devil's tail ;))

Not that this week was without its dramas. One of them was beyond serious, and probably every international student, or every person who is away from home for one reason or another will relate to me. My granddad is very very old, something like 89 years old. he is not exactly ill, just his body is so worn out and brittle, that he gets himself into trouble a lot. This week he fell in front of the bathroom and broke his head. He is well now, thank God, but he had to go to hospital and now has stitches on his head....My Grandma was also scared, she cannot stand blood...I learnt the news from my dad's email...I knew he is better, but still I got so scared, and my old feelings of guilt were revived...Every person who is away from home knows that feeling well. Whatever the reason we left, there is always someone,or something, that we left behind, and ever so often we feel like we have betrayed, or forsaken, or forgotten, those people or things, in our search for a better life. I had a dream that night. I was with my mother, and were travelling, couldn't tell whether from England to Bulgaria, or the other way around, but it doesn't matter anyway. So were walking and talking, like we often do in real life, and mom told me someone close to me from my two worlds had died. I broke into tears, and I told my mom that I am never there, NEVER. Whatever I do, however I choose to live my life, I will never be on both places at the same time....the dilemma of the travellers :))

But it was just a dream...In real life my emotions are not that complicated, they are more mixed. I am now only a few weeks before going back home for Christmas. On one hand, I know my family are counting the days, I know they need to see them, and I need to see them, because they are my roots, they supply me with strength, and hope, and security. I am going home for a month, and it will be amazing, all my family, the food I'm so used to and I miss so much, the language, the traditions, the familiar sights so close to my heart, the customs and traditions, the snow, the mountains...the memories :)) It will be great...and at the same time its too close, and its too long :) Because now there is someone new, someone who grows in importance, and is on the edge of becoming vital for my survival, both physical, because my body misses him, and emotional, because...well, he makes me feel like never before :)) Full of life, and good thoughts, and dreams even.... :) If I put him in the same paragraph as my family than I do value him as belonging to my most precious group of people :))

I deliberately try not to be too cheesy and sentimental, as I know certain people read this blog...including my father :S (hey Dad:) But I can't really help it, I'm at that sickening sweet stage, when walks under the rain, and candles, and sitting on his knees in cafes, and making out in the cinema, and holding hands all the time, and cuddling for a whole weekend, plus wearing his PJs and Queen's Uni hoodie all the bloody time, feels so so good, like a drug :P The more he gives me all these sweet sweet emotions, the more I want them, the more I want to drawn him in me and absorb him....spooky :))

Simply put, I'm happily in love :) Like a kid, like a proper teenager, like a grown up, like a mental case, like a desperate person, like a lunatic, like a woman, like a....like I am :)) I was lying next to him this morning, in a happy half asleep stage, while watching a movie he downloaded especially for me (blaaagh I know, put just throw up now and give me a break:P), and I was thinking...am I going to get it right this time? I sure didn't the last time, unfortunately I learnt more bitter lessons than anything else...But I am astonished by the revival powers a human heart possess, with all its brittleness....I thought I will be angry and desperate for a long long time, but these days, to keep in harmony with all the happiness and security I receive without a doubt, I'm starting to think that the one before was not love, or if it was, it was shy one, a wrong one, too little too late or early one...a love never meant to happen. Please God let me be right for once, but this one feels different. Feels ripe, ready to bloom and blossom, ready to explode.....fuck it, I might well be ready for the big one, or at least now....I sure want to stay for the ride :))

It's 1.30 am...and I still have an essay to write. Plus, I am staying true to my Bulgarian suspicious negative nature :P If you talk about what makes you happy and whole too much you are pulling the Devil by the tail, provoking him to crush your pride and take away what is most important for you. But I know a way to keep the Devil away. You pin his tail to the table with a mirror,so he can't move :) Listen to me, Devil! I am pinning you down! This time I want it to work, I want it to happen, and to be huge, so I can see exactly how glorious we are in our human shyness and brittle nature.....still capable of handling the most strong and maddening feelings :))

For now that is all, I don't have the words to blog :)

"Nothing Really Matters"

When I was very young
Nothing really mattered to me
But making myself happy
I was the only one
Now that I am grown
Everything's changed
I'll never be the same
Because of you.

Nothing really matters
Love is all we need
Everything I give you
All comes back to me.

Looking at my life
It's very clear to me
I lived so selfishly
I was the only one
I realize
That nobody wins
Something is ending
And something begins

Nothing takes the past away
Like the future
Nothing makes the darkness go
Like the light
You're shelter from the storm
Give me comfort in your arms.

Madonna

Basically

I had a lovely night and a lovely day (at least the light part of it), a nice contrast to my super busy week at uni, so right now I probably need to study, but I feel like blogging :))

It's funny times...yesterday was Halloween, and also an year since..well things changed. I was anticipating this day, getting a bit nervous about it, worrying whether I have moved on, whether I have managed to forget and all that other emotional crap....And I am happy about the results :)) I had a lovely time, with plenty of smooches through a mask and white hair spray, it was magic :D And I didn't care, and didn't get bothered, just....in the middle of the night I half woke myself up, cuddled next to him...and just wondered about how things look soo different after a year, and how much happier I feel and...is there a limit to this feeling? :) I don't know, and I don't care right now, I'm just planning to stay happy for a long time...hopefully both of us share my genius plan lol :))

Talking about happy.....I find myself in my room again. Since last year, when I was living in a house where nobody really liked me, and I didn't really like them. So I used to stay in my room a lot, do everything in there, like eating, reading, watching TV, just on my own. I have never been too good about separating myself from the others...maybe its because my house in Sofia is always full of people and we do a lot of things together. Or maybe because I've always been a bit of a loner. Shy child, awkward teenager, deep into my thoughts adolescent...I've always been somehow on my own, and funnily I've always wanted to be surrounded by close friends, so we can hang out, and play games, and eat meals, and share secrets..and always be together! Something like a sickeningly happy version of "Friends" :))

In the beginning my new house was perfect! :) I put the worrying thoughts in the back of my head and for a few months it was amazing, we were cooking together, shopping together, watching movies together, it was so good :)) Some of the girls I didn't know before, with one of them in particular I got along so well, we seemed to be on the right way, talking a lot and liking each other...and then things changed,almost over night...

The silliest thing girls usually fall out are boys, that simple. It happened that me and her liked the same boy. Or more like it she liked him, and didn't do a lot to show it or pursue it; and I liked him but tried to avoid it, because of her. But everything, especially feelings, catch up with you in the end, and you can do little to stop them. I am not saying this to make myself sound a better person, I know what I did was wrong. But in the end of the day every medal has two sights, there is no one ultimate truth. I'm not going to go into details, but lets just say that I also have my version of the story, I think I did the right choice as well, and my constantly growing feelings reassure me for that every day.

I apologised a hundred times, I made a few sweet little gestures, I cried in secret in my room, feeling isolated and secluded, and worst of all guilty as hell...But things got better, me and her started talking again, she saw I was serious in my intentions, she also saw my weak side, when I got scared by my own emotions and deceptive nature and freaked out, so I thought there is no grudge held, and me and her are finally OK with each other, just the way we are,flaws and all.

Alas, no! Yesterday, despite having a great Halloween time, full costumes and make up and laughter, in the end we were "fighting" again, me and her. For some reason, which honestly is not too clear to me, she seems to get annoyed with me all the time, no matter what I do or say, she seems to dislike my opinion, the very sound of my voice. While she is getting closer to the other girls of the house, I find myself in my room again, secluded, because I don't want to go and see her ignoring me again, or giving me cold looks and attitude. I seem to care so much not because I'm helpless, but because I like her, and I want to keep the illusion of a happy house for as much as I can...How pathetic of me eh....

I know I sound very uptight, and I actually am. My brother often says I have no sense of humour, or that I am hypersensitive and I take everything too seriously. I know I linger in my thoughts a lot. Over the years I adopted the habit or re-thinking every word and action, creating theories about the, making assumptions....Some people may say I love the "drama". Even now I am probably thinking about it too much, just because people are not 24/7 happy around me, or with me, doesn't mean they hate me. That is actually quite a pressure on people, making them always be nice to me. But it doesn't help my doubting nature. I've already accepted this personality trait of mine- I want people to like me and I am afraid of doing wrong. So right now I feel bad, I feel guilty once again, for something that is not even that serious. It might sound big headed, and that is my hurt feelings speaking instead of me, but people should really give up the attitude, It's not like I'm stupid and can't tell when they are unhappy with me, I can perfectly tell and they might as well come up to me and tell me, I can't forever try and guess and feel super awkward and guilty in the meantime...

Maybe its because I have different opinion sometimes....I'm always worried about my argumentative nature. I can speak well, i think...and if I feel passionate about something I can really defend a point of few. Honestly, the fact that I'm reading a lot also makes me feel more comfortable in my arguments, and sometimes i can get quite intense. Someone told me that this is the whole point of arguing, interrupting the others to get your point across in the best way. Maybe I am too meek for my own good, I always worry about offending the other people, or even worse, making them not like me anymore :)) In that sense...well fuck it, if she got annoyed with me disagreeing, or trying to get a point across, well it's not my problem!! I am not a rude mean person, I'm pretty sure I didn't offend her directly...but in arguments, can you tell?...

To sum up....I can hear most of my housemates downstairs in the kitchen making dinner, laughing together. I am in my room, eating chocolate and bitching about crap online. I am feeling low because of that....and incredibly high for other reasons. These days only the charm and humour of the Irish, as well as the smooches, keep me smiling and I am so grateful :)) I might as well stop being pathetic and go downstairs and face them, it can't be so bad.....I have plenty of things to look forward to, and if he likes me I'm fine. Basically ;))

After a Long Day I Know

Oh my oh my....
What a day...

Sometimes I am very very silly. Scared, upset for no reason, freakishly controlling every aspect of my life, constantly arranging and reasoning, from fear of actually feeling something genuine, which will shake my little world.

I promised something to someone, that I shall keep them safe, and I failed miserably. Worst of all, I allowed my own insecurities and troubled mind to poison our connection, to jeopardise the ties between us. I am very sorry.

I shall change. On hand my feelings will change me, I can no longer control them and under their influence a brand new heart is going to grow and replace the old tired one. On the other hand, I will change, I will choose to, I will close a door and open a million for you, all for you, to open and shut as you please. And I will trust you, because you are wonderful.

It's very late at night, after a turbulent day, after a break down, after regrets, after realising what I'm losing and what I need to fight for. If only I hadn't hidden you behind ugly memories and assumptions...if only your bright light had chased the darkness away sooner. But now I know.

There is only one song right now, only one melody, to describe how sorry I am and how I miss you.

Sunflower fields

Stare at the sun.

Sunflower fields,

Thousand little suns.

I am staring too.

An apple tree

And an apricot one,

Lips closed...

Snow and apple blossom falling,

White and clean

It will never melt away.

There is no East from Heaven.

Sow, grow, and cut the pain.

Fields of little burnt out suns,

Fields of transplanted sick flowers,

Fields of hungry loving hearts,

Sunflower fields, white spots.

Very basic translation of a beautiful Bulgarian song, Ostava "Polia ot slunchogledi (Sunflower Fields)". My words sound harsh as compared to the song. My actions and words seem harsh as compered to my feelings...tender,loving and full of regret....

No Time Apart

You tell a secret, and I tell a secret.
And we keep them both.
You take care of me, and I take care of you.
Its only natural.
You stumble in the dark, I stumble in the dark.
We light two candles to find the way.
You're not my mirror, I'm not your mirror
We are the other half.
You are scared, and I am scared,
I almost wan to run.
But if you say a word, then I'll say a word
And I would want to return.
It takes a silent moment
for me to make my mind.
It took you many years
to mend your broken heart.
And here we are today
On the edge of a dream.
It takes a bit of courage
To be happy.

No Way Out

Once again I'm losing my words. I am utterly confused in what is going on. Happiness is strange, I almost miss my lonely days, the one dimensional solitude.

Even with the new beginning I'm still lurking somewhere outside, unable to walk into my own warm home. Somebody else's pain and hurt pride is keeping me out like a straw dog, to face my guilty conscience.

And so I don't get mad because of the thoughts in my head, but I also stop writing this pretentious crap, I am going to use the words of someone more clever and original that me, and go back to my habit of quoting songs.

This time it is Queens Of The Stone Age- "Go With The Flow". In case you are wondering I feel like one of the toy soldiers. Falling in, falling out, falling ill.

Queens Of The Stone Age- "Go With The Flow"

She said "I'll throw myself away,

They're just photos after all"

I can't make you hang around.

I can't wash you off my skin.

Outside the frame, is what we're leaving out

You won't remember anyway

I can go with the flow

But don't say it doesn't matter anymore

I can go with the flow

Do you believe it in your head?

It's so safe to play along

Little soldiers in a row

Falling in and out of love

With something sweet to throw away.

But I want something good to die for

To make it beautiful to live.I want a new mistake,

lose is more than hesitate.

Do you believe it in your head?I can go with the flow

But don't say it doesn't matter anymore

I can go with the flow

Do you believe it in your head?

(lyrics by http://www.asklyrics.com/ )

(image by Googleimages)

Questions

How does it feel for you when you are with someone new?

For me it feels like taking for myself an unclaimed treasure. I can't believe my luck, I'm always waiting for someone to come and say that treasure belongs to them and not to me, I wonder how much time I have left with this treasure, so I eagerly try to take as much as I can, to kiss as much as I can, to hug as much as I can, while holding my breath from fear of losing the map.

How does it feel for you when you are with someone new and you don't know what's going to happen next?

For me it is the sensation of the two opposites. Because it's an either-either situation. The happiest story or the saddest one. And I don't get to decide. Instead, I stare from the window, trying to see good fortune messages in the trees and birds.

What do you do when you are with someone new and you lose a friend over it?

I question everything. I question the person from the mirror and the person from the written pages, or the spoken words. I question the person next to me in bed. I abandon myself trying to see the point of view of my friend, so I can hate myself on their behalf, so that justice can be restored. And end up being caged in my room.

What do you do when you are with someone new, losing a friend over it, not knowing what to do next and what to hope for?

I chain smoke and keep quiet. My whole body is waiting for time to pass. Electrical storm.

Liquid Days

Aaah, as much as I hate it I'm afraid that this is going to be another moody blog post, without any clear structure, or any clear idea, or even any clear emotion, for fuck sake; just my frustration and young naive...theories.

I need to complain....I am very young indeed, some days I think I am as unwise and as inexperienced as I have ever been, that the last few years of being on my own, "coping with life", have hardly taught me anything. These days I have been especially angry because of the uncertainty surrounding me, and I mean people. As a little girl I need an organised world. Small, clear, solid. And I all experience instead is change. People change their appearance, both outside and inside; they change their opinions; they change their thoughts, their intentions; break the vows, breach the boundaries, forget their promises; change their attitudes towards me...and worst of all-make me change as well.

I can possibly explain these "new" feelings of uncertainty with this particularly phony person that we all know about, although through them I got to see a new social phenomenon- getting yourself sorted, "becoming a better man", in less than two months...some people are fast. I can blame it on them, but it doesn't end here. Three times already I had to realise my expectations are not true, and will never happen. The first time- I thought someone was giving me signals to "jump and go", only to find out that they are safe in their little nest for two and have no intentions on moving on. The second time- someone I thought saw me and treated me as special really wanted a good customer in me. The third one- someone who I thought will be the answer of the never ending quest for human closeness and emotional detachment chose good old stinky love instead. Go figure out, for fuck sake. I guess I have to accept that nothing is solid, nothing is clear, everything flows and never remains the same. A pretty "safe" assumption to try and rebuild your life on, eh...

Anyway...I really don't want to go too much into my weird anti-social mood. Sometimes I'm lying in bed, thinking that if I ponder on my loneliness too much it will crush me. Instead, I need to take two seconds more and appreciate for a second everything I was given too. Wonderful supportive parents; cheeky but lovable brother; great friends; super cool housemates; exciting new year at uni; a whole lot of fresh plans for the future; and a lovely bunch of Level 1 and Level 2 and Level 3 peeps from uni :)) Hopefully MPM will be great this year, I really liked the new faces and have great hopes for them :) So finito, basta, end of the discussion. Life is still great, just people sometimes are more than I can handle. Wait until I grow up...

Gypsy Summer in Canterbury

I am looking at my blog archive and I realise I haven't written a lot these months. Part of the reason for that is that I was busy enjoying my perfect summer at home, and was way too overwhelmed with a whole variety of emotions, too complicated for the pages of my modest invisible diary :)) Also...well I came back in Canterbury and again was too busy with getting into messy relationships, smoking, reading about lobbying and European Union institutions and Human rights, spending time with my lovely new housemates in our big student house...and yet again my writing kind of remained back stage. But the truth is I love writing, I enjoy my little air notebook, in which I scribble my thoughts and feelings, and I will try and do it more :)) For some months...I was very much doubtful about the impact this blog has on my life and the life of others, and I realise there is such a difference! To me my blog means a lot, I share a lot of what is going on currently in my life on its pages, including very personal stuff like my break up with Matthew and my a bit random at times emotional experiences :)) So the impact on me is huge...sometimes I even think I am writing the things I should be really saying to people. To the others though...the impact seems minimal, my blog feels invisible metaphorically and not, so I was doubtful about the need of its existence...I guess every vain little person like myself want their blog to mean a lot more than perhaps it is, we suffer from a complex to affect the whole world's way of thinking :)) If only I would spend half of the time thinking about all this in actually writing.....

Oh well, nevermind! These days I am going to my roots and I am actually creating not one but two blogs in the same evening :)) I wanted to share with you where I was the last weekend, which, for those of you living in the South-East of England, was a lovely "gypsy summer" weekend, all warm and sunny, with nature longing for some more summer oblivion, and long and violet shadows creeping in between the leaves. So in these few gorgeous days I went to the "Euro Food Fest" in Canterbury, a gathering point of worldly cuisine, pottery and art craft again from around the world, and probably most of Canterbury's citizens, all enjoying cider and beef burgers on the grass :)) Me and my friend Hrisi enjoyed very much some Greek baklava, almost the way we eat it at home, and that triggered a whole lot pf pleasant memories...and bee attracting stickiness :)) As a whole it was a most enjoyable weekend, and in a late Sunday afternoon the city had one last surprise for me, for which you are about to read in a minute....

I love Canterbury for one simple reason- it it is full with interesting people you can have a nice talk with! :) This Sunday while I was waiting for my friend Zoe to finish her shopping I got to share a bench on a busy city square with an unfamiliar old lady. We started talking, old people are just so much nicer and friendlier than young ones :), and I soon spotted her exotic looking features and the quirky character that she sported. As I have observed many times, people with mixed origins usually have fascinating natures, they are much more charismatic and intriguing, maybe as the results of the various genes that shape their personalities. So that lady had 5 different nationalities in her blood! She was partially Chinese, Dutch, Indian, Portuguese and Guianish. She looked like she has been a stunning beauty when she was younger. So this very nice lady, I never got to learn her name, told me part of her fascinating story, which I liked so much I simply have to share it with you all :)) Apparently, her and her husband, who was English, met in British Guiana (South America). He came on a work trip to a sugar plantation, and they met on a blind date! :)) Soon after she followed him in England and created a family with him there. Blind date followed by marriage...and these days I believe in nothing even remotely romantic...Anyway, when she was pregnant with her first daughter, she asked God again and again that at least one of her children would have blue eyes. And her first daughter was born with sky blue eyes :) When she was pregnant with her second daughter, she asked God if at least one of her children would ave green eyes and the second daughter was born with piercing green eyes! And when she was pregnant with the third one she asked God if the child could have deep blue eyes and her third baby daughter had deep deep marine blue eyes, just like her mother wanted :)) It is a lovely little story, isn't it? :)

I hope you all enjoy the lovely gypsy summer that we have here, and find inspirational stories yourself on the streets of the wide world ;) xxx

A Little Fashion Story for a Great Woman

This will be another "different" post for me, but funnily, quite similar to many of the blogs I've recently read. It seems fashion blogs are really popular right now, maybe they have ever been, but frankly I have never been interested in them. I know hardly anything about fashion, my worldly fascinations continue to be in other spheres of life, like politics, music, culture and people, but talking about people...There is one supermodel of the world I really like, both as a professional and as a person, of course knowing her only from her two very popular TV shows "America's Next Top Model" and "The Tyra Banks' Show". Ever since I "discovered" her as an interesting person in the gossip colons and fashion magazines, and started watching ANTM as a provider of information for a completely different world than mine, I started liking Tyra for her genuine personality, for her seemingly effortless charm, and for the very well controlled and managed argumentative nature :)) These days I like her even more, she is beautiful, funny and natural, and without a doubt enters my "Women That I Think Are Fabulous" list. :D
Just today I saw this video that The New York Times Magazine made with her, about her life, career and experiences. I think its a lovely video, and unlike many of the supermodels, models and girls-wanting-to-be-models...Tyra makes me feel as if she and I are not from two different worlds, that indeed we are the same...except for her height...and inhuman like ability to "smise" :)) Miss Tyra Banks is a fabulous woman indeed :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aINaHOxZN_4&feature=fvst

"...Beauty need only be a whisper..."

Salma Hayek truly is inspirational. Not only her charm, warming and disarming; not only her old-fashioned warm and pure motherly nature; not only her acting skills...The greatest gift is a mystery behind the curtain, beauty is only a whisper.

Tonight I watched an old old movie with my friend Lovely Zoe ..."Desperado" yes, of course :) .... and I not only remembered why people like her so much (and Antonio,ai ai ai) but also why I am a particular fan of movie soundtracks. Zoe likes the melodic rock of Tito & Tarantula, and I simply adore Salma singing (is it her?) that slow song about love. I found a translation of the lyrics from Spanish, thanks to xDream666x and I just want to share it with you because its fantastic :)

Quedate Aqui

Stay here

In my arms

Stay here

For me

And don't tell me you love me

Don't tell me you adore me

Tell me only that you will stay

One life with me

Take me there

Take me in your anxiety to a place

Where it's not necessary to swear

Where it's not necessary to lie

Where I exist only for you

And don't ask me if I love you

Because you shouldn't worry about what I think

Because I am all yours in my way

But when I want to be your dream

I'm not satisfied with your kisses

I want to give you all of what I feel

And more than that.

15.09.2009 (First day of school in Bulgaria:)

This post is, I think, mainly about what I did today, maybe because currently my head is full with emotions over the brim and once more I find it difficult to put them in order. So there you go, I might as well write about what I've been up to and hope to read between the lines what's bugging me.

I heard something lovely today. My good friend Allan came up with the funniest suggestion about what afterlife might be like. As we were talking about the Pacific ocean and the huge underwater mountains and all the fascinating places we might never see, Allan said "Now wouldn't if be wonderful if after we die God would take us on a tour around the world and under the sea and show us all these amazing things?"My dear Allan, I wish it would be exactly like that for you and me and everyone and we all go on a trip under the world with God acting like a nice and funny tour guide :)) What you said really inspired me, and I'm starting to think that thoughts like these make you the great photographer that you are. Allan Gichigi is a photo journalist from Kenya, who was supposed to be present on the pages of my blog long ago, but due to my messiness this is the first time I talk about him. His photographs are really nice, but I can't really describe them, so check them out yourself. (http://www.allangichigi.com/demo/)

Unlike Allan, I'm not so composed and capable of producing inspirational thoughts. On the contrary, I am very much capable of creating messes and very funny situations. Today I was in Coffee and Corks with Lovely Zoe, Allan and (Posh) Fred and just when leaving, while saying goodbye to the bartender, I didn't see the big and obvious metal poll in the middle of the cafe and I walked straight into it!! Oh boy did everyone laugh! I have done this circus trick numerous times before-Ive walked into a street telephone cabin, polls, doors and chairs, corners of buildings and in one prominent case-in one of the coolest most famous cafes in Sofia, when I managed to not see a whole freaking building and walked straight into it!!! They did laugh at me for ages and I laughed too, but I know that silliness of mine will have severe consequences. The boy behind the bar,who I like,will never ever take me seriously ever again, and I will be nicknamed "That-Bulgarian-that-but headed-the poll" :))

At least it all happened in Coffee and Corks, and that is the loveliest place in Canters, people know me there and its almost like giving a private show in front of the family or something :) The corks is only the best coffee place around here, at least for me and for my friends. Its very laid back, full of interesting people and music and conversations, and always groups of students, doing everything from discussing politics to drawing anchors on their friends' arms...yup, that is what I have been doing these days :)) Check Coffee and Corks here: (http://www.facebook.com/search/?q=coffee+and+corks&init=quick#/pages/Canterbury-United-Kingdom/Coffee-and-Corks/78139729254?ref=search&sid=652849881.3173620034..1)

The Internet came to light our house these days! Right now I'm in bed writing and watching silly things on Youtube and I'm gradually feeling tired, even though I like blogging its not the best idea to do it so late, I'm starting to forget what I wanted to say! :)

But the following news coming from motherland cannot be forgotten, they are significant, they are essential, they are simply life changing :P After the last online conversation with mam and dad, I got to know that from the EU are worried that a revolutions might happen in Bulgaria hahaha :))) We have always been criticised for being too slow in dealing with corruption on the high levels and organised crime, failing to absorb the EU funds properly, and most of all too slow to promote reforms and end the process of transition we have been in for twenty two years now. After the recent change in government, the new in power are very keen on making a difference for their 4 years and fulfil the ambitious agenda they have set up for themselves. The EU reacted with mixed feelings about out presentation in Brussels on the last achievements and said they are concerned about too rapid of a change, which will overlooked the already achieved and destroy stability. They are right up to a point, but my peeps and I found it funny that they are never happy with us, no matter how hard we try. Not that I complain, that sort of critique is just what we need, and wait until Turkey is in the EU and all the negativity shifts to it ;)) (joking...kind of)

Anyway, I am not allowed to discuss politics for a week, as I didn't know that the current General Secretary of the UN is Ban-ki Moon, and I had the arrogance to argue about it, yes sir! :) And I'm tired anyway, I'm not even half funny as I want me to be. I'm going to bed, and something is telling me I'll be having dreams about colourful espresso cups and cold blooded girlfriends, and a certain blond and quiet Tesco guy.........nighty night ;)

Martin Shileds, it's a bitter story...

Very rarely in this blog so far have I allowed myself to be critical towards somebody or something, and I have tried to be as objective as possible. But this time something is choking me from the inside, and the feelings of hurt pride of another kind, identity and desire for justice are making me write this post, which is going to be different from everything I have written so far. The reason is the recent release from jail of Martin Shields, a Liverpool FC supporter, who was convicted with the attempt murder of the Bulgarian waiter Martin Georgiev. The football fan was supposed to stay in prison for 10 years, but overall did 4 years, before being pardoned from Her Majesty The Queen.

The first thing that really strikes me about the media coverage of this ugly story here in the UK are the numerous mistakes British journalists make when describing the events that took place in 2005. I have already given up the hope that many people will be knowledgeable of geography, even though its on their continent, so I'm not surprised almost nobody knows where Bulgaria is, where the sea side resort of Golden Sands is, where thew attempt murder happened; or know facts like there is no CCTV in Bulgaria, the same way there is in the UK, there are only hidden cameras outside private properties or big places like malls or supermarkets or the underground. However, as every other person relying on the media to provide information on the current affairs, I have a blind faith in what they say to be true and thus expect them to CHECK THEIR INFORMATION and will try to be objective and free themselves from sentiments, in the name of fucking truth and justice, if you like. So fa the information that I read is such a mish mash between reality and rumours, that no wonder so many British and European citizens have distorted visions of what happened, who is guilty and what evidence has been presented and retracted during the whole trial and the years after that. As a journalist wannabee I am so fucking disappointed that the media of this country which I hold to be more objective misleads its own people and leaves another 7 million with bitter taste in their mouths, because of the endless comments upon an attempt to do the job right.

And because this is criticism right? I can go into the whole thing of trying to prov who is wrong and who is right, but the truth is I can't, and that is another thing for which I depend on other people and I demand that they do their job well. On one side, these are the Bulgarian court and the Bulgarian forensic investigators, who are responsible for acquiring and processing evidence and witnesses, and coming up with a decision for the actions that need to follow. As a Bulgarian, who have lived in the country almost all her life, and who plans to give the best years of her life to, I am entitled to the right of critique, especially after that very system has already failed me and my fellow citizens many times already. I know its not perfect. But in this case, and I believe in what I say, and I am going to take the responsibility for my words, and may any Liverpool out there curse me and wish I'd be gone, the Bulgarians did their job. They actually did. That new evidence that has been presented to the British court has been unknown to them too, so don't blame it on the Bulgarians. Shields was convicted and judged under the laws of Republic of Bulgaria and he received a conviction in accordance with these rules. The pardon he was granted in England is not a judiciary decision, it is the sovereign right of a country to pardon its people, as in this case. I have no idea what kind of new evidence has been presented, I guess for an answer of my question I have to speak to Martin Shields himself. But this is not a game between courts, the Bulgarians made their decision, according to and based on evidence and witnesses,as in every other court around the world, that is why I have to trust they were right and believe that there is a solid reason for this decision. Because something is telling me that if the same decision was made by a court of an European nation, it would have been accepted easily, but because it is the Bulgarian one, this go-forsaken-post-communist state's court-all of a sudden there is such room for mistakes, despite the evidence.

But enough with that, I am getting so tired and disgusted with having to defend my country and having to tear myself between desire for justice and desire to accept that all people are innocent and it was all one huge mistake...even the long forgotten feeling of national pride is present, maybe I am spending too much time in England...

So I'm going to have my last critique, and it goes to all of us- for fuck sake, don't think it is alright to go to a foreign country and disrespect the laws, disrespect the customs, disrespect the people, and on top of that wait to get away with it. Bulgarian are no saints on Earth, we have our fair share in the disrespect, so have the British, so that is a warning for all. Because this post is not only for my biter feelings of anger and fear of misleading, its in not only abut critiquing the people not doing their job, or the people around the world who think its OK to get wasted and beat up a man in a gang. Its about sadness too, and I feel sad about the family of Martin Georgiev, who is going to bear the physical and emotional scar for life, for my fellow Bulgarians, who feel offended and once again thought of as stupid and savage, for the family of Martin Shields, who have gone through hell with their son and brother in jail and with silly people like me judging...and for Martin Shields himself, because he is only 22 and he is always going to bear the feeling of unreceived Justice with his name to his very death. This whole ugly story needs to be revealed, from both sides, so that nothing remains in the darkness and nothing remains unseen and unsaid. REVEAL THE STORY! READ MORE! THINK MORE! For fuck sake be reasonable....

I read a wonderful post about it on the page of Twohundredpercent, written by Ian, whoever wants may check it out here. (http://www.twohundredpercent.net/?p=1997)


*Nobody seems to care as much as I do, but I'll sake that, for the sake of my consciousness, and for the sake of being fair. If Martin Shileds was indeed innocent of committing the crime, then I feel very sad about him and wish him all the very best in his future life. Now lets see the new guy being taken to Bulgaria to face the judiciary system.

Bulgaria (and a bit of my dad:)

Gatwick North-Terminal 1 emotional variations (el pretendo)

Here I am blogging again after the long vacation. I am back in good old safe Canterbury for almost two weeks now and I found myself incapable of writing. I guess there was too much crazy emotional residue left in me, as well as a strong Bulgarian taste left in everything.

Bulgaria this time was great, though different. I realise it probably sounds peculiar of me to relate to homeland as a tourist destination...Don't get me wrong, I know where I come from and I have no intention on forgetting. But with the two years and a half spent abroad it became more that just home. Now the trip to Sofia no longer involves only bus-lain-bus-home! type of emotions. These days, with me spending no more than a month each time, it becomes but a journey to the self, as a quest to understand what I have been doing, thinking and feeling all these years. I stand behind this last pretentious sentence :P Maybe I should write my Bulgarian experience out of the way, and post some photos to stop your breath, so I can try and put my ram shackled emotional world back in order, as I need it right now, I do I do...

Its hard to start with a beginning, so I might as well start with the end. The end of my staying at home was all scandals, and rows, and bitter words, coming from fuck knows where, from some very dark and cold and forever deserted place in our hearts. I apologised to the people I hurt with my words, which is good, but something in my perfect little world, that I admit I have created through constant persistent exaggeration, broke...changed. I can't really go into details, but I'll share one thing....The perfect portrait is only a portrait. And the whole perfection thing?-bullshit. Let me tell you, for years I have forbidden my dear life characters to be imperfect. All the life hassle and drama I leave for my individual life here on the Island, where all is new and I can embark on emotionally exhausting adventures, provided I come home to a warm safe place. In that sense I created the perfect home, I maintained it, I exaggerated it, projected it, kept it vigorously from alien interference and hoped for the best, that we can remain like that forever. If you want, I did that silly Emil from Lioneberia move, not wanting to grow up...but events moved faster than my inner clock and here I am....understanding more and more, revealing one precious secret after the other, selling my dear characters on a weird flea-market, replacing them with new...I know all the above sounds like a cheap novel dream like experience, so Ill stop now :D In short....my views on family, friends, marriage and future have changed. Because I am a weird and boring character, constantly trying to restrain my jumbled thoughts into plans and schemes, I would like to present to you my new table of change in personal opinions over crucial components of one's emotional life: (hehe:)

family- Perfect in the imperfection, irritatingly lovable, still the biggest support and the greatest disappointment

marriage- Not about love, not about passion, about a conscious choice to improve your life, to make it solid and real, to make it normal and worth all the bloody efforts

friends- two years abroad should be enough to find your real ones; five is a small number but a great number; friends stories become important precedents and future references

future- biggest god damned mistery and pain in the ass one of a lifetime chance crap decision making process; endless source of fear and inspiration...quite pink after human closeness

In between the emotional trips with no destinations, I re-discovered how absolutely gorgeous my home is!! I know its cliche again,but seriously the few weeks I spent in the mountains and the seaside gave me back so much, because some silly emotional fragile and all-together cut off by reality people like myself need to feast themselves on nature's beauty and put specific meaning to it. If I'm not too lazy Ill post some amature photos of my home, so you can make funny noises and envy me for once, despite my Eastern- European breeding :P

And I can go into details about the social-economical-political situation in Motherland, but I believe only politics geeks like myself could find my blabbering about it even remotely interesting :) All I'm going to say is....that I actually can...and want most of the time to go back in two years time. I will have to write a political post about the Bulgarian reality on its own, as it is a huuuge topic. I'm open for suggestions on possible topics via the various channels of communication :P

Right now I'm in my favourite cafe in Canterbury, Coffee and Corks, and its getting way too noisy and full of weird people for my taste. Some kind of artistic stuff is going on and I am growing more and more conscious of the people peeping above my shoulder and all the weridnessness going on so Ill stop for tonight. Every beginning is difficult and so are the returns :) But I'm back...Writing again in my invisible self-masturbatory diary..... ;)

THERE WILL BE NO CHANGES MADE TO THIS BLOG!

I will remain as pretentious as I want.

:P

You are the past and we are the present (skin and colour)

Most of the things written in this blog come without any structure and plan, they don't follow one another. They simply reflect the chaotic way in which I think, the different emotions that cross my mind. And they usually come to me randomly, out of the blue. Like tonight, when I was supposed to finish my dissertation proposal and transcribe the last interview for the blog. Instead of this I watched "Save the last Dance", and that came like a frikking revelation, like something that has been boiling inside my brain for a while, but need the proper provocation in order to burst its way to freedom. No, I'm not talking about the movie itself, I'm not a film critic, and I don't really care how good or how bad it is, although I like the music and I love Julia Stiles. What I'm thinking about are the relationships people have with each other, and the million separations between them. Its all about how you perceive yourself and the others, and apparently...on which side you were born.

Now let me tell you something about the sides! I was born in a marginalised family to begin with, with both my parents being "different" from the rest of society, so I have never been taught to judge, or criticise, or marginalise, or have prejudices. And maybe that is playing me a bad joke now, because apparently the rest of the world is full of prejudices, and there are these spoken and unspoken of groups, and people want to belong on only one of them, and they want it so bad, that they find it difficult to communicate with the other groups, and inevitably the clash is waiting to happen.

I admit, before I came to the UK the notion about different races was never a big part of my life. Bulgaria is pretty small, pretty unpopular, pretty conservative and traditional, there are not a lot of black people around, certainly not born there, and I have to admit, shame on my homeland, they are not treated too well. Not that it is the case of an outrageous racism, although it does happen sometimes, like in every country around the world. The Bulgarians are nice and friendly people, they just have a problem with adjusting to new things I guess. I had to come to university abroad to experience a cultural shock and find myself surrounded by all these different people from different races, in order to loosen up a bit and broaden my horizon so so much! Now I not only feel perfectly comfortable around people with different ethnicity and nationality, not only do I enjoy their company immensely, but I'm also starting to think one step forward. I started being annoyed with the separations existing in society, in people themselves, those invisible barriers we find difficult to cross. Call me naive and gullible and whatever you want, but what I want is to be myself with people from other races, to like them and being liked back without any change being necessary. I don't want to be dictated by society, "we are all equal, but we cant really be friends, because we are so different". How fucking difficult are we, and is that the whole problem, or is there something wrong about the way we live next to and think about people? Is there something wrong with our damn society as well?!

I am going to follow the plot line of "Save the Last Dance", because that would make it easier for me to put in order the chaotic thoughts and emotions. So first came the neighbourhood. Now I'm not sure what to think about that. I have never been in any other neighbourhood, honestly, but my own in Sofia, and yes, it is very white, simply because we don't have a lot of people from other races! We have the Gypsies, who always live in their own neighbourhoods, but there the separation is mainly cultural/criminal/financial, not so much racial, at least in my opinion. So I have never seen a predominately black neighbourhood, and I have never been in a school, or any institution, where I have been a minority race wise. So when Sarah was walking through her new school, receiving all those looks, I kept wandering why, why do people see skin colour as such a barrier, such a major difference? Is it just the social and cultural connotations, or do we actually think that the skin colour really determines who and what we are?

I personally don't ever want to be thought about only as a person from a certain colour. I did not choose it, it came in my genes, so how can that be the main thing about me? If you connect skin colour to a social status, or to some stereotype, then you are up for a surprise, inequality these days is not about skin colour so much. If you think there are no poor, discriminated, let down white people, for example, you are wrong. It must be something else.

Is it possibly the clash of two cultures, where the one needs to conquer the other? I mean Sarah learning how to use "slamming", dance to hip-hop music, or sit and walk in a certain way. To be honest I felt quite stupid watching that. Instead of preaching equality, in the sense that not a change in posture and speech is needed, in order for people to mix well and be with each other normally. Its always the case of a certain culture having to be the dominant. It would be like me taking a Kenyan friend to Bulgaria for a visit, and teaching them how to walk, talk, nod, drink, eat,sleep, laugh, etc. the Bulgarian way. Hell no, there is no need for that, we should be all free to act our way, and no change should be necessary, unless we really want it!

For me personally its not about change at all. Its all about diversity and enrichment. I simply love talking to, and befriending people from very different cultures and different ethnicity. I don't change who I am and the way I sit in a chair, I simply know more and know how to do more! I would not give up me learning Dutch, or Swahili, or my beautiful Saree, but I also keep nodding the Bulgarian way, despite the rest of the world :)) Its not about change for me...its about diversity!

What I loved about the movie, is that despite the differences people claim to be rooted in skin colour and social background, these "different worlds", people still fins ways to each other, love and friendship. Since I started having many friends from many different races, nationalities and backgrounds, I started loving the possibility of me finding closeness and intimacy in any of them, and I also hope people from all these different places around the world, who I love so much, love me too, despite our skin colour being different. And this is a journey for me, because where I come from things are different, unfortunately. When I was leaving for university, education was the last thing on the mind of some of my relatives. My grandparents, especially the grandmas, gave me their blessings to go abroad, mainly to find an eligible man to marry and thus fulfil my purpose on Earth! The only guidance I received in relation to who I must choose, was to stick to French and Italian guys a.d stay away from the black ones! ( I am so sorry to anyone I am offending right now, but cut me some slag will you, I'm only being honest, and its not you who has to marry!) Right now I'm thinking...Sorry nanas but it bloody doesn't matter for me and for many other people anymore!! I find other races extremely attractive, yes in the bloody sexual way of course, and guess what, other things will be more important when I choose a partner, not the skin colour! (I don't really want to go into why I find guys from different race attractive, its been a while since I was in a relationship, this post my turn into something quite close to porn in the end so I'd better drop it :))

However, things don't seem to as simple as I want them to be. Again, following the plot of the movie, Chenille argues with Sarah, that there are two different worlds existing, that there is no point in mixing the "milk" and "chocolate", that white girls should stick to white guys and leave black guys to black girls. How about this-everybody should look for what they like and feel attracted to, and the skin colour be the last thing on their mind? There is one world, one world only that we all share, and I cant believe the skin colour prejudice is going to be so strong as to change your heart, even if you feel so very attracted to a person from a different colour. ( I know I would be upset if a nice guy does not ask me out just because my skin colour...and I would also hate to miss the chance because of my own fears and prejudices.) In that sense...sorry nanas, you are the past and we are the present!

Is it just me? I am not denying the fact, that racial discrimination still exists, in some places and societies it is a very serious notion indeed. Something is telling me that my visit to Nepal, for example, will not go without certain looks and comments; and also my friends from Nigeria, lets say, will get the same treatment. However, what I know for sure is that despite the world being a bad place, it is up to people to find a way to each other. And people never seize to surprise me, so I'm sure they will, in one way or another. I wish I could hear the views of many people of colour, whatever the colour, and many people who are from mixed backgrounds, because I do appreciate the fact that my ways are not everybody elses ways. Is it just me? I don't know for now...all I know s that for me skin colour is not a barrier, or I don't want it to be....All I see it as is a nice contrast when close to each other...and inner and outer diversity. Peace!

Watching and waiting

A new day has come and it is a special day. I will be historical, in one way or another. Days come and go, but the choices remain, and they echo through time and remind us of what has been and what should be.

Today I heard from a friend from Iran. He is also a politics student, and we tend to take matters concerning human rights, freedom and democracy far more seriously. I can only imagine how he must feel, his home torn apart, his family and friends on the streets, protesting, seeking their right to be heard and be considered; he still here, trying to make an impact, spread the word, that we all share universal values!

Iran is as different from Bulgaria as it can get. However, observing the elections results from the last few weeks made me think we have a lot in common, and we are all united by fundamental notions, despite our different surnames and religion. History is repeating itself, and again we all fight for the same things! The people of Iran are protesting because they have been denied the right to choose. To choose their leader, their representative. The are treated as mere pawns in a bigger game, as cattle, whose opinion does not matter, whose eyes are shut and years are stuffed with cotton. But the Iranian people are raising, like an angry sea, because people are not blind and they are not ready to be treated as fools! The elections in Iran were not democratic, nor transparent, nor politically correct. If the people don't feel represented, how can that be the correct result from the election? If there is obvious forgery, how can that be the truth? If the people are those who matter the most, how can they be denied the right to protest and make themselves heard?

I hope the massive protests in Iran won't end up being a massacre. And I also hope the world is watching carefully, because in times like these democracy is under threat everywhere in the world. We are the ones with the power, and we are the ones that should matter. We are the ones that should be united in a time of madness and support the idea of truth and fair elections across the continents. How different are we in the end, when all that is human and free is being challenged?

The world is watching and waiting, and quietly supporting.

The Jungle Book

I just finished reading one of my favourite books, Rudyard Kipling's The Jungle Book. I like not only the stories, which are interesting in themselves, but also the fact that the animals are personified, and possess great qusaities. And the Jungle is another world, with its own complicated laws and rules, and it is much more deep and full of life that we ever think. i know it is only a book, and its not real!:), but since reading about Mowgli when I was little, I often wonder what are the chances of me getting lost in a Jungle, and being saved and befriended by a pack of wolves...aah, the ridiculous dreams people have sometimes :))

Im quite excited about recently buying a copy of the book for myself here in the UK, now I don't need to bring with me every time from Bulgaria. This is the next title on my book shelf, which has it's sister copy in Sofia...One day and I will have to transfer them all to wherever my home will be..a nice little reunion.

I found a beautiful illustration of The Jungle Book in the ent, and it looks a lot like my copy. And Im sharing with you my favourite song of the book, The White Seal.

Seal Lullaby

Oh! hush thee, my baby, the night is behind us,

And black are the waters that sparkled so green

The moon, o'er the combers, looks downward to find us

At rest in the hollows that rustle between.

Where billow meets billow, there soft be thy pillow;

Ah, weary wee flipperling, curl at thy ease!

The storm ahall not wake thee, nor shark overtake thee,

Asleep in the arms of the slow-swinging seas.

Sunset, ladies!

Today was a pretty laid back day. Not having uni work to stress about has left a void in my life, seriously :)) And I know its not only me. Yesterday I had a lovely chat with one of my best friends in the world, her name is Emily. She used to be quite the party animal in her time, but yesterday, in her car on our way back to Canterbury after a jam night in Deal, we were both talking about how good it feels to have a plan, and to know what you are doing, how important it has become for us to have an idea of what is going to happen tomorrow. That probably sounds quite unorthodox for two girls in their twenties, and certainly isn't matching my rather risky and totally unpredictable behaviour lately (I might talk about it in another post:); but sometimes people grow to love order, and chaos makes them feel restless, wasting time. This is exactly how I feel at the moment, restless. I know I have plenty of things to do, like finish my dissertation proposal, move out of my old room, transfer all my stuff to the new house, complete my new healthy body image routine, plenty of activities :)) Somehow though I manage to feel rather empty and hollow, with no deadlines choking me, and the constant stress. I guess some things really have changed :))...

This day was marked by meetings with dear friends, and all of them girls :)) The friendship between girls is one of a kind, I have many guy friends, and most if the times I get along better with guys, but the relationship between girlies is something very very special :) Girls do talk about everything, and share a lot, and the girlfriends I have around me I feel like sisters and love dearly. As my life is constantly divided between Bulgaria and Britain, rarely do I manage to speak with all my girls at the same time, but these two days were magical :D First, a reunion with my dear sweet lovely Em, who currently is rocking life in the big city, it feels so essential, vital even!, to meet with your girlfriend and tell her all that has been happening, and you can talk for hours and hours, and there are still things you need to say, and so many topics that have to be covered. The stories to listen are endless :)) After my lovely Em I had a midnight skype session with another dear dear girl, this time form Bulgaria, her name is Irina, and until the wee hours in the morning we talked about all that has been going on, and the distance of nearly 3000 miles didn't even matter :) It is amazing how girls can have a liberating intimate conversation even through skype, it is all about the friendship really :D Today, I had a chat with my biggest girly love, the sister who has known me since primary school, my BG soul mate Marina, and she managed to lift a huge burden from my heart. Even though I know its completely stupid and unreasonable, every time I go back, either home in BG or home in the UK, I feel so anxious, in a way worried whether people have changed too much, whether I have changed, whether I have been missed and anticipated as much as I have missed people all the time. Well, today Marina managed to persuade me with only a few sentences that I have been missed greatly, that both of us can't wait to see each other, and we are going to start talking as if we haven't been away from each other at all, and we are going to have a fantastic summer together, and nothing in our relationship will ever change. But maybe the best feeling from today is the upcoming meeting :)) My best Dutch girl of all times, my dear Elise, is already back home in Canters, and I can hardly wait to see my lovely future housemate, and hug her, and have the best girly time in Coffee and Corks, and enjoy every minute and every word :))

Gosh, this post is not only making me happy because I have great girlfriends, but also making me sad, because there are so many dear to mi girlies, away from me, in Bulgaria, and in Sweden, and in London, and in Kent, and all around the bloody world! :) I wish, and that is a true sincere dream, that we could all meet, all of us, and for once me to be able to experience what it feels like to be able to see all the important girls in my life, that definitely make me what I am. Love you my ladies!

And before this post gets ridiculously cheesy, and I decide to make a pop album form it, titled "Love you ladies" (haha:), just one final thought :) I have to agree with my dear friend Victoria and her post about the beautiful sunset over the South-East of Kent today, it really was magnificent, I'm glad so many of us were looking at it and enjoying it, it was a flame one :)) One of my hobbies is taking really amateur photos of the sky, and here are some of my favourite ones, hope you enjoy them :)

That really is the most cheesy-girlie-pinky-sugary post ever! lol Where is my new cynicism gone??