What a day...
Sometimes I am very very silly. Scared, upset for no reason, freakishly controlling every aspect of my life, constantly arranging and reasoning, from fear of actually feeling something genuine, which will shake my little world.
I promised something to someone, that I shall keep them safe, and I failed miserably. Worst of all, I allowed my own insecurities and troubled mind to poison our connection, to jeopardise the ties between us. I am very sorry.
I shall change. On hand my feelings will change me, I can no longer control them and under their influence a brand new heart is going to grow and replace the old tired one. On the other hand, I will change, I will choose to, I will close a door and open a million for you, all for you, to open and shut as you please. And I will trust you, because you are wonderful.
It's very late at night, after a turbulent day, after a break down, after regrets, after realising what I'm losing and what I need to fight for. If only I hadn't hidden you behind ugly memories and assumptions...if only your bright light had chased the darkness away sooner. But now I know.
There is only one song right now, only one melody, to describe how sorry I am and how I miss you.
Sunflower fields
Stare at the sun.
Sunflower fields,
Thousand little suns.
I am staring too.
An apple tree
And an apricot one,
Lips closed...
Snow and apple blossom falling,
White and clean
It will never melt away.
There is no East from Heaven.
Sow, grow, and cut the pain.
Fields of little burnt out suns,
Fields of transplanted sick flowers,
Fields of hungry loving hearts,
Sunflower fields, white spots.
Very basic translation of a beautiful Bulgarian song, Ostava "Polia ot slunchogledi (Sunflower Fields)". My words sound harsh as compared to the song. My actions and words seem harsh as compered to my feelings...tender,loving and full of regret....
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