Pusta Mladost

Many times I have attempted to write in my blog whenever I was feeling sad. If the emotions are overpowering me, then writing seems to work out well, it seems to help me put my mind in order and start looking for a way to make things better. Tonight I will prove my writer's nature wrong and write when I'm happy, when I'm at peace and when things seem to happen just right. I'll be pulling the Devil's tail ;))

Not that this week was without its dramas. One of them was beyond serious, and probably every international student, or every person who is away from home for one reason or another will relate to me. My granddad is very very old, something like 89 years old. he is not exactly ill, just his body is so worn out and brittle, that he gets himself into trouble a lot. This week he fell in front of the bathroom and broke his head. He is well now, thank God, but he had to go to hospital and now has stitches on his head....My Grandma was also scared, she cannot stand blood...I learnt the news from my dad's email...I knew he is better, but still I got so scared, and my old feelings of guilt were revived...Every person who is away from home knows that feeling well. Whatever the reason we left, there is always someone,or something, that we left behind, and ever so often we feel like we have betrayed, or forsaken, or forgotten, those people or things, in our search for a better life. I had a dream that night. I was with my mother, and were travelling, couldn't tell whether from England to Bulgaria, or the other way around, but it doesn't matter anyway. So were walking and talking, like we often do in real life, and mom told me someone close to me from my two worlds had died. I broke into tears, and I told my mom that I am never there, NEVER. Whatever I do, however I choose to live my life, I will never be on both places at the same time....the dilemma of the travellers :))

But it was just a dream...In real life my emotions are not that complicated, they are more mixed. I am now only a few weeks before going back home for Christmas. On one hand, I know my family are counting the days, I know they need to see them, and I need to see them, because they are my roots, they supply me with strength, and hope, and security. I am going home for a month, and it will be amazing, all my family, the food I'm so used to and I miss so much, the language, the traditions, the familiar sights so close to my heart, the customs and traditions, the snow, the mountains...the memories :)) It will be great...and at the same time its too close, and its too long :) Because now there is someone new, someone who grows in importance, and is on the edge of becoming vital for my survival, both physical, because my body misses him, and emotional, because...well, he makes me feel like never before :)) Full of life, and good thoughts, and dreams even.... :) If I put him in the same paragraph as my family than I do value him as belonging to my most precious group of people :))

I deliberately try not to be too cheesy and sentimental, as I know certain people read this blog...including my father :S (hey Dad:) But I can't really help it, I'm at that sickening sweet stage, when walks under the rain, and candles, and sitting on his knees in cafes, and making out in the cinema, and holding hands all the time, and cuddling for a whole weekend, plus wearing his PJs and Queen's Uni hoodie all the bloody time, feels so so good, like a drug :P The more he gives me all these sweet sweet emotions, the more I want them, the more I want to drawn him in me and absorb him....spooky :))

Simply put, I'm happily in love :) Like a kid, like a proper teenager, like a grown up, like a mental case, like a desperate person, like a lunatic, like a woman, like a....like I am :)) I was lying next to him this morning, in a happy half asleep stage, while watching a movie he downloaded especially for me (blaaagh I know, put just throw up now and give me a break:P), and I was thinking...am I going to get it right this time? I sure didn't the last time, unfortunately I learnt more bitter lessons than anything else...But I am astonished by the revival powers a human heart possess, with all its brittleness....I thought I will be angry and desperate for a long long time, but these days, to keep in harmony with all the happiness and security I receive without a doubt, I'm starting to think that the one before was not love, or if it was, it was shy one, a wrong one, too little too late or early one...a love never meant to happen. Please God let me be right for once, but this one feels different. Feels ripe, ready to bloom and blossom, ready to explode.....fuck it, I might well be ready for the big one, or at least now....I sure want to stay for the ride :))

It's 1.30 am...and I still have an essay to write. Plus, I am staying true to my Bulgarian suspicious negative nature :P If you talk about what makes you happy and whole too much you are pulling the Devil by the tail, provoking him to crush your pride and take away what is most important for you. But I know a way to keep the Devil away. You pin his tail to the table with a mirror,so he can't move :) Listen to me, Devil! I am pinning you down! This time I want it to work, I want it to happen, and to be huge, so I can see exactly how glorious we are in our human shyness and brittle nature.....still capable of handling the most strong and maddening feelings :))