Basically

I had a lovely night and a lovely day (at least the light part of it), a nice contrast to my super busy week at uni, so right now I probably need to study, but I feel like blogging :))

It's funny times...yesterday was Halloween, and also an year since..well things changed. I was anticipating this day, getting a bit nervous about it, worrying whether I have moved on, whether I have managed to forget and all that other emotional crap....And I am happy about the results :)) I had a lovely time, with plenty of smooches through a mask and white hair spray, it was magic :D And I didn't care, and didn't get bothered, just....in the middle of the night I half woke myself up, cuddled next to him...and just wondered about how things look soo different after a year, and how much happier I feel and...is there a limit to this feeling? :) I don't know, and I don't care right now, I'm just planning to stay happy for a long time...hopefully both of us share my genius plan lol :))

Talking about happy.....I find myself in my room again. Since last year, when I was living in a house where nobody really liked me, and I didn't really like them. So I used to stay in my room a lot, do everything in there, like eating, reading, watching TV, just on my own. I have never been too good about separating myself from the others...maybe its because my house in Sofia is always full of people and we do a lot of things together. Or maybe because I've always been a bit of a loner. Shy child, awkward teenager, deep into my thoughts adolescent...I've always been somehow on my own, and funnily I've always wanted to be surrounded by close friends, so we can hang out, and play games, and eat meals, and share secrets..and always be together! Something like a sickeningly happy version of "Friends" :))

In the beginning my new house was perfect! :) I put the worrying thoughts in the back of my head and for a few months it was amazing, we were cooking together, shopping together, watching movies together, it was so good :)) Some of the girls I didn't know before, with one of them in particular I got along so well, we seemed to be on the right way, talking a lot and liking each other...and then things changed,almost over night...

The silliest thing girls usually fall out are boys, that simple. It happened that me and her liked the same boy. Or more like it she liked him, and didn't do a lot to show it or pursue it; and I liked him but tried to avoid it, because of her. But everything, especially feelings, catch up with you in the end, and you can do little to stop them. I am not saying this to make myself sound a better person, I know what I did was wrong. But in the end of the day every medal has two sights, there is no one ultimate truth. I'm not going to go into details, but lets just say that I also have my version of the story, I think I did the right choice as well, and my constantly growing feelings reassure me for that every day.

I apologised a hundred times, I made a few sweet little gestures, I cried in secret in my room, feeling isolated and secluded, and worst of all guilty as hell...But things got better, me and her started talking again, she saw I was serious in my intentions, she also saw my weak side, when I got scared by my own emotions and deceptive nature and freaked out, so I thought there is no grudge held, and me and her are finally OK with each other, just the way we are,flaws and all.

Alas, no! Yesterday, despite having a great Halloween time, full costumes and make up and laughter, in the end we were "fighting" again, me and her. For some reason, which honestly is not too clear to me, she seems to get annoyed with me all the time, no matter what I do or say, she seems to dislike my opinion, the very sound of my voice. While she is getting closer to the other girls of the house, I find myself in my room again, secluded, because I don't want to go and see her ignoring me again, or giving me cold looks and attitude. I seem to care so much not because I'm helpless, but because I like her, and I want to keep the illusion of a happy house for as much as I can...How pathetic of me eh....

I know I sound very uptight, and I actually am. My brother often says I have no sense of humour, or that I am hypersensitive and I take everything too seriously. I know I linger in my thoughts a lot. Over the years I adopted the habit or re-thinking every word and action, creating theories about the, making assumptions....Some people may say I love the "drama". Even now I am probably thinking about it too much, just because people are not 24/7 happy around me, or with me, doesn't mean they hate me. That is actually quite a pressure on people, making them always be nice to me. But it doesn't help my doubting nature. I've already accepted this personality trait of mine- I want people to like me and I am afraid of doing wrong. So right now I feel bad, I feel guilty once again, for something that is not even that serious. It might sound big headed, and that is my hurt feelings speaking instead of me, but people should really give up the attitude, It's not like I'm stupid and can't tell when they are unhappy with me, I can perfectly tell and they might as well come up to me and tell me, I can't forever try and guess and feel super awkward and guilty in the meantime...

Maybe its because I have different opinion sometimes....I'm always worried about my argumentative nature. I can speak well, i think...and if I feel passionate about something I can really defend a point of few. Honestly, the fact that I'm reading a lot also makes me feel more comfortable in my arguments, and sometimes i can get quite intense. Someone told me that this is the whole point of arguing, interrupting the others to get your point across in the best way. Maybe I am too meek for my own good, I always worry about offending the other people, or even worse, making them not like me anymore :)) In that sense...well fuck it, if she got annoyed with me disagreeing, or trying to get a point across, well it's not my problem!! I am not a rude mean person, I'm pretty sure I didn't offend her directly...but in arguments, can you tell?...

To sum up....I can hear most of my housemates downstairs in the kitchen making dinner, laughing together. I am in my room, eating chocolate and bitching about crap online. I am feeling low because of that....and incredibly high for other reasons. These days only the charm and humour of the Irish, as well as the smooches, keep me smiling and I am so grateful :)) I might as well stop being pathetic and go downstairs and face them, it can't be so bad.....I have plenty of things to look forward to, and if he likes me I'm fine. Basically ;))