Liquid Days

Aaah, as much as I hate it I'm afraid that this is going to be another moody blog post, without any clear structure, or any clear idea, or even any clear emotion, for fuck sake; just my frustration and young naive...theories.

I need to complain....I am very young indeed, some days I think I am as unwise and as inexperienced as I have ever been, that the last few years of being on my own, "coping with life", have hardly taught me anything. These days I have been especially angry because of the uncertainty surrounding me, and I mean people. As a little girl I need an organised world. Small, clear, solid. And I all experience instead is change. People change their appearance, both outside and inside; they change their opinions; they change their thoughts, their intentions; break the vows, breach the boundaries, forget their promises; change their attitudes towards me...and worst of all-make me change as well.

I can possibly explain these "new" feelings of uncertainty with this particularly phony person that we all know about, although through them I got to see a new social phenomenon- getting yourself sorted, "becoming a better man", in less than two months...some people are fast. I can blame it on them, but it doesn't end here. Three times already I had to realise my expectations are not true, and will never happen. The first time- I thought someone was giving me signals to "jump and go", only to find out that they are safe in their little nest for two and have no intentions on moving on. The second time- someone I thought saw me and treated me as special really wanted a good customer in me. The third one- someone who I thought will be the answer of the never ending quest for human closeness and emotional detachment chose good old stinky love instead. Go figure out, for fuck sake. I guess I have to accept that nothing is solid, nothing is clear, everything flows and never remains the same. A pretty "safe" assumption to try and rebuild your life on, eh...

Anyway...I really don't want to go too much into my weird anti-social mood. Sometimes I'm lying in bed, thinking that if I ponder on my loneliness too much it will crush me. Instead, I need to take two seconds more and appreciate for a second everything I was given too. Wonderful supportive parents; cheeky but lovable brother; great friends; super cool housemates; exciting new year at uni; a whole lot of fresh plans for the future; and a lovely bunch of Level 1 and Level 2 and Level 3 peeps from uni :)) Hopefully MPM will be great this year, I really liked the new faces and have great hopes for them :) So finito, basta, end of the discussion. Life is still great, just people sometimes are more than I can handle. Wait until I grow up...