Here I am blogging again after the long vacation. I am back in good old safe Canterbury for almost two weeks now and I found myself incapable of writing. I guess there was too much crazy emotional residue left in me, as well as a strong Bulgarian taste left in everything.
Bulgaria this time was great, though different. I realise it probably sounds peculiar of me to relate to homeland as a tourist destination...Don't get me wrong, I know where I come from and I have no intention on forgetting. But with the two years and a half spent abroad it became more that just home. Now the trip to Sofia no longer involves only bus-lain-bus-home! type of emotions. These days, with me spending no more than a month each time, it becomes but a journey to the self, as a quest to understand what I have been doing, thinking and feeling all these years. I stand behind this last pretentious sentence :P Maybe I should write my Bulgarian experience out of the way, and post some photos to stop your breath, so I can try and put my ram shackled emotional world back in order, as I need it right now, I do I do...
Its hard to start with a beginning, so I might as well start with the end. The end of my staying at home was all scandals, and rows, and bitter words, coming from fuck knows where, from some very dark and cold and forever deserted place in our hearts. I apologised to the people I hurt with my words, which is good, but something in my perfect little world, that I admit I have created through constant persistent exaggeration, broke...changed. I can't really go into details, but I'll share one thing....The perfect portrait is only a portrait. And the whole perfection thing?-bullshit. Let me tell you, for years I have forbidden my dear life characters to be imperfect. All the life hassle and drama I leave for my individual life here on the Island, where all is new and I can embark on emotionally exhausting adventures, provided I come home to a warm safe place. In that sense I created the perfect home, I maintained it, I exaggerated it, projected it, kept it vigorously from alien interference and hoped for the best, that we can remain like that forever. If you want, I did that silly Emil from Lioneberia move, not wanting to grow up...but events moved faster than my inner clock and here I am....understanding more and more, revealing one precious secret after the other, selling my dear characters on a weird flea-market, replacing them with new...I know all the above sounds like a cheap novel dream like experience, so Ill stop now :D In short....my views on family, friends, marriage and future have changed. Because I am a weird and boring character, constantly trying to restrain my jumbled thoughts into plans and schemes, I would like to present to you my new table of change in personal opinions over crucial components of one's emotional life: (hehe:)
family- Perfect in the imperfection, irritatingly lovable, still the biggest support and the greatest disappointment
marriage- Not about love, not about passion, about a conscious choice to improve your life, to make it solid and real, to make it normal and worth all the bloody efforts
friends- two years abroad should be enough to find your real ones; five is a small number but a great number; friends stories become important precedents and future references
future- biggest god damned mistery and pain in the ass one of a lifetime chance crap decision making process; endless source of fear and inspiration...quite pink after human closeness
In between the emotional trips with no destinations, I re-discovered how absolutely gorgeous my home is!! I know its cliche again,but seriously the few weeks I spent in the mountains and the seaside gave me back so much, because some silly emotional fragile and all-together cut off by reality people like myself need to feast themselves on nature's beauty and put specific meaning to it. If I'm not too lazy Ill post some amature photos of my home, so you can make funny noises and envy me for once, despite my Eastern- European breeding :P
And I can go into details about the social-economical-political situation in Motherland, but I believe only politics geeks like myself could find my blabbering about it even remotely interesting :) All I'm going to say is....that I actually can...and want most of the time to go back in two years time. I will have to write a political post about the Bulgarian reality on its own, as it is a huuuge topic. I'm open for suggestions on possible topics via the various channels of communication :P
Right now I'm in my favourite cafe in Canterbury, Coffee and Corks, and its getting way too noisy and full of weird people for my taste. Some kind of artistic stuff is going on and I am growing more and more conscious of the people peeping above my shoulder and all the weridnessness going on so Ill stop for tonight. Every beginning is difficult and so are the returns :) But I'm back...Writing again in my invisible self-masturbatory diary..... ;)
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