Little scars

A quick midnight editorial on perception and innocence.

Tonight I was coming back home along with a friend, and we were talking about my newly acquired cynicism, coming to replace the bitter taste in my mouth after all the emotional rubbish from the last few months. In the light of the street lamps I could see doubt in his face, as if he was convinced my cynicism is only words rolling out of my mouth, in a moment of anger, rather than my real nature. Later on this evening I was reminiscing the last few days of partying, and a sudden memory came to my mind- a colleague of mine in Politics surprised by my behaviour at her party, and saying she never thought I was so cheeky, daring in a certain way. And just before I started writing this, I was reading old blog posts of my good friend Victoria, and I came across a description of me, as the most Innocent person she has ever met. Bless her! :) I had to seriously think about why people always describe me as innocent, uncorrupted, naive and childish even. Is this my real nature, and my cynical moments are simply an outcry after emotional shock; or is there something else beneath the surface, something I hide well, and I don't let anybody see? Not an easy question to answer.

To begin with, I think it has always been like that. People automatically assume I am good and innocent, maybe my looks have to with that. I am a short, chubby cute looking girl. I do not possess neither ephemeral beauty, nor rough sex appeal. I look much younger for my age, and almost all the time my easy going nature is written all over my face, I can't pull off a serious look too well. Whenever I try to look concentrated and professional, especially in class, people usually ask as I am feeling alright lol :)) Maybe this is the first sign for people that quite an optimistic and naive person is standing against them. Even my earliest sexual experiences are connected with innocence, or with the desire of corrupting it. Age 12-13 I was an early blossoming teenage girl, with quite feminine body and very childish brain. I used to spend the summer with my brother and grandmother in the countryside, and all my friends were much older than me. My girl friends all had boyfriends, they all used to go round town in cars and on motorcycles, parading their relationships, experimenting with their bodies, looking for ways to fight boredom in the little rural town. I was one of them because I had to, I wanted to be accepted. Between year 12 and 13 I did many things for the first time- shaved my legs, smoked, kissed a guy ten years older than me, had my first boyfriend, had a guy touch parts of me unseen by the sun so far, wore high heels and a mini skirt, drank myself to oblivion, got into a massive fight with my parents. So many things I did, and others did to me, that is almost insane to assume nothing in me has changed. I don't think about these times anymore. Haven't seen the "friends" in many many years; the boyfriend is forever a bachelor and a current alcoholic, at least he was the last time I saw him; I hardly go to that part of the countryside anymore, and all I have left from there are a few bad memories and the craving for cigarettes. Old habits die hard.

It is a great gift that those days are not written on my face. I grew up to be very strong from there. And developed a wonderful relationship with my parents. Never again will I behave like that, outrageously stupid, jeopardising myself in so many ways. Been there and it is not anything cool. These days I am cool for many different reasons. The right ones. And thank God- nothing was left scarring my heart or my face. It is a clean sheet :))

Then maybe people get the impression of me being innocent because of the things I say? Even in high school I was famous for parading my socialist views and ideas of liberation among my classmates and teachers. However, that was never perceived as a good thing. People use to frown upon my big mouth and my free flowing speech, seeing it as a reason for me to get in trouble, or get them in trouble. Later on things changed a bit, I went in uni and I grew stronger in my knowledge and socialist views, this time backing them up with solid facts and creating a much deeper argument. Again I was frowned upon, accused of being naive and shallow, for sporting my Marxist sentiments and openly admitting I was into politics. The sexists "realists", or in other words the power politics-free market-American dream losers my country is full with, saw me as an easy target to make them selves feel good, by arguing with me, trying to catch me up not knowing what I was talking about. In that sense, being innocent in my views, in the sense that i care about the most disadvantaged, became a synonym of naive, and for a long time I was struggling, doubting that maybe people were right. These days I feel even stronger in my views, I know what I know, and I also know it reflects me, so any hardcore liberal out there, or even worse- an anarchist- can argue with me as much as they want, I am a socialist and loving it, and I'm not nether Innocent nor shallow in my views, I am simply believing in what I stand for.

The more I think about innocence, the more I start to like it. Maybe it is a good think that people perceive me as innocent, sometimes even not that bright. that leaves me all the space in the world to surprise them, show them another side of myself. My biggest advantage might be the fact that people often don't see what is coming, thinking I am not capable of much. I'm starting to like being innocent and uncorrupted. As every person on earth I have had my bad periods, but its nice to know that I have kept many precious qualities too, and these are the ones people come across first. Its actually brilliant :) I manage to remain discrete about the darker side of me, and show it only when its necessary. Apart from that i am as care-free as any other 21-years-old girl, in the middle of summer ;)

Just like you, I have my scars...and they are all hidden well.