Most of the things written in this blog come without any structure and plan, they don't follow one another. They simply reflect the chaotic way in which I think, the different emotions that cross my mind. And they usually come to me randomly, out of the blue. Like tonight, when I was supposed to finish my dissertation proposal and transcribe the last interview for the blog. Instead of this I watched "Save the last Dance", and that came like a frikking revelation, like something that has been boiling inside my brain for a while, but need the proper provocation in order to burst its way to freedom. No, I'm not talking about the movie itself, I'm not a film critic, and I don't really care how good or how bad it is, although I like the music and I love Julia Stiles. What I'm thinking about are the relationships people have with each other, and the million separations between them. Its all about how you perceive yourself and the others, and apparently...on which side you were born.
Now let me tell you something about the sides! I was born in a marginalised family to begin with, with both my parents being "different" from the rest of society, so I have never been taught to judge, or criticise, or marginalise, or have prejudices. And maybe that is playing me a bad joke now, because apparently the rest of the world is full of prejudices, and there are these spoken and unspoken of groups, and people want to belong on only one of them, and they want it so bad, that they find it difficult to communicate with the other groups, and inevitably the clash is waiting to happen.
I admit, before I came to the UK the notion about different races was never a big part of my life. Bulgaria is pretty small, pretty unpopular, pretty conservative and traditional, there are not a lot of black people around, certainly not born there, and I have to admit, shame on my homeland, they are not treated too well. Not that it is the case of an outrageous racism, although it does happen sometimes, like in every country around the world. The Bulgarians are nice and friendly people, they just have a problem with adjusting to new things I guess. I had to come to university abroad to experience a cultural shock and find myself surrounded by all these different people from different races, in order to loosen up a bit and broaden my horizon so so much! Now I not only feel perfectly comfortable around people with different ethnicity and nationality, not only do I enjoy their company immensely, but I'm also starting to think one step forward. I started being annoyed with the separations existing in society, in people themselves, those invisible barriers we find difficult to cross. Call me naive and gullible and whatever you want, but what I want is to be myself with people from other races, to like them and being liked back without any change being necessary. I don't want to be dictated by society, "we are all equal, but we cant really be friends, because we are so different". How fucking difficult are we, and is that the whole problem, or is there something wrong about the way we live next to and think about people? Is there something wrong with our damn society as well?!
I am going to follow the plot line of "Save the Last Dance", because that would make it easier for me to put in order the chaotic thoughts and emotions. So first came the neighbourhood. Now I'm not sure what to think about that. I have never been in any other neighbourhood, honestly, but my own in Sofia, and yes, it is very white, simply because we don't have a lot of people from other races! We have the Gypsies, who always live in their own neighbourhoods, but there the separation is mainly cultural/criminal/financial, not so much racial, at least in my opinion. So I have never seen a predominately black neighbourhood, and I have never been in a school, or any institution, where I have been a minority race wise. So when Sarah was walking through her new school, receiving all those looks, I kept wandering why, why do people see skin colour as such a barrier, such a major difference? Is it just the social and cultural connotations, or do we actually think that the skin colour really determines who and what we are?
I personally don't ever want to be thought about only as a person from a certain colour. I did not choose it, it came in my genes, so how can that be the main thing about me? If you connect skin colour to a social status, or to some stereotype, then you are up for a surprise, inequality these days is not about skin colour so much. If you think there are no poor, discriminated, let down white people, for example, you are wrong. It must be something else.
Is it possibly the clash of two cultures, where the one needs to conquer the other? I mean Sarah learning how to use "slamming", dance to hip-hop music, or sit and walk in a certain way. To be honest I felt quite stupid watching that. Instead of preaching equality, in the sense that not a change in posture and speech is needed, in order for people to mix well and be with each other normally. Its always the case of a certain culture having to be the dominant. It would be like me taking a Kenyan friend to Bulgaria for a visit, and teaching them how to walk, talk, nod, drink, eat,sleep, laugh, etc. the Bulgarian way. Hell no, there is no need for that, we should be all free to act our way, and no change should be necessary, unless we really want it!
For me personally its not about change at all. Its all about diversity and enrichment. I simply love talking to, and befriending people from very different cultures and different ethnicity. I don't change who I am and the way I sit in a chair, I simply know more and know how to do more! I would not give up me learning Dutch, or Swahili, or my beautiful Saree, but I also keep nodding the Bulgarian way, despite the rest of the world :)) Its not about change for me...its about diversity!
What I loved about the movie, is that despite the differences people claim to be rooted in skin colour and social background, these "different worlds", people still fins ways to each other, love and friendship. Since I started having many friends from many different races, nationalities and backgrounds, I started loving the possibility of me finding closeness and intimacy in any of them, and I also hope people from all these different places around the world, who I love so much, love me too, despite our skin colour being different. And this is a journey for me, because where I come from things are different, unfortunately. When I was leaving for university, education was the last thing on the mind of some of my relatives. My grandparents, especially the grandmas, gave me their blessings to go abroad, mainly to find an eligible man to marry and thus fulfil my purpose on Earth! The only guidance I received in relation to who I must choose, was to stick to French and Italian guys a.d stay away from the black ones! ( I am so sorry to anyone I am offending right now, but cut me some slag will you, I'm only being honest, and its not you who has to marry!) Right now I'm thinking...Sorry nanas but it bloody doesn't matter for me and for many other people anymore!! I find other races extremely attractive, yes in the bloody sexual way of course, and guess what, other things will be more important when I choose a partner, not the skin colour! (I don't really want to go into why I find guys from different race attractive, its been a while since I was in a relationship, this post my turn into something quite close to porn in the end so I'd better drop it :))
However, things don't seem to as simple as I want them to be. Again, following the plot of the movie, Chenille argues with Sarah, that there are two different worlds existing, that there is no point in mixing the "milk" and "chocolate", that white girls should stick to white guys and leave black guys to black girls. How about this-everybody should look for what they like and feel attracted to, and the skin colour be the last thing on their mind? There is one world, one world only that we all share, and I cant believe the skin colour prejudice is going to be so strong as to change your heart, even if you feel so very attracted to a person from a different colour. ( I know I would be upset if a nice guy does not ask me out just because my skin colour...and I would also hate to miss the chance because of my own fears and prejudices.) In that sense...sorry nanas, you are the past and we are the present!
Is it just me? I am not denying the fact, that racial discrimination still exists, in some places and societies it is a very serious notion indeed. Something is telling me that my visit to Nepal, for example, will not go without certain looks and comments; and also my friends from Nigeria, lets say, will get the same treatment. However, what I know for sure is that despite the world being a bad place, it is up to people to find a way to each other. And people never seize to surprise me, so I'm sure they will, in one way or another. I wish I could hear the views of many people of colour, whatever the colour, and many people who are from mixed backgrounds, because I do appreciate the fact that my ways are not everybody elses ways. Is it just me? I don't know for now...all I know s that for me skin colour is not a barrier, or I don't want it to be....All I see it as is a nice contrast when close to each other...and inner and outer diversity. Peace!
Thursday, 25 June 2009
Saturday, 20 June 2009
Watching and waiting
A new day has come and it is a special day. I will be historical, in one way or another. Days come and go, but the choices remain, and they echo through time and remind us of what has been and what should be.
Today I heard from a friend from Iran. He is also a politics student, and we tend to take matters concerning human rights, freedom and democracy far more seriously. I can only imagine how he must feel, his home torn apart, his family and friends on the streets, protesting, seeking their right to be heard and be considered; he still here, trying to make an impact, spread the word, that we all share universal values!
Iran is as different from Bulgaria as it can get. However, observing the elections results from the last few weeks made me think we have a lot in common, and we are all united by fundamental notions, despite our different surnames and religion. History is repeating itself, and again we all fight for the same things! The people of Iran are protesting because they have been denied the right to choose. To choose their leader, their representative. The are treated as mere pawns in a bigger game, as cattle, whose opinion does not matter, whose eyes are shut and years are stuffed with cotton. But the Iranian people are raising, like an angry sea, because people are not blind and they are not ready to be treated as fools! The elections in Iran were not democratic, nor transparent, nor politically correct. If the people don't feel represented, how can that be the correct result from the election? If there is obvious forgery, how can that be the truth? If the people are those who matter the most, how can they be denied the right to protest and make themselves heard?
I hope the massive protests in Iran won't end up being a massacre. And I also hope the world is watching carefully, because in times like these democracy is under threat everywhere in the world. We are the ones with the power, and we are the ones that should matter. We are the ones that should be united in a time of madness and support the idea of truth and fair elections across the continents. How different are we in the end, when all that is human and free is being challenged?
The world is watching and waiting, and quietly supporting.
Today I heard from a friend from Iran. He is also a politics student, and we tend to take matters concerning human rights, freedom and democracy far more seriously. I can only imagine how he must feel, his home torn apart, his family and friends on the streets, protesting, seeking their right to be heard and be considered; he still here, trying to make an impact, spread the word, that we all share universal values!
Iran is as different from Bulgaria as it can get. However, observing the elections results from the last few weeks made me think we have a lot in common, and we are all united by fundamental notions, despite our different surnames and religion. History is repeating itself, and again we all fight for the same things! The people of Iran are protesting because they have been denied the right to choose. To choose their leader, their representative. The are treated as mere pawns in a bigger game, as cattle, whose opinion does not matter, whose eyes are shut and years are stuffed with cotton. But the Iranian people are raising, like an angry sea, because people are not blind and they are not ready to be treated as fools! The elections in Iran were not democratic, nor transparent, nor politically correct. If the people don't feel represented, how can that be the correct result from the election? If there is obvious forgery, how can that be the truth? If the people are those who matter the most, how can they be denied the right to protest and make themselves heard?
I hope the massive protests in Iran won't end up being a massacre. And I also hope the world is watching carefully, because in times like these democracy is under threat everywhere in the world. We are the ones with the power, and we are the ones that should matter. We are the ones that should be united in a time of madness and support the idea of truth and fair elections across the continents. How different are we in the end, when all that is human and free is being challenged?
The world is watching and waiting, and quietly supporting.
Friday, 19 June 2009
The Jungle Book
I just finished reading one of my favourite books, Rudyard Kipling's The Jungle Book. I like not only the stories, which are interesting in themselves, but also the fact that the animals are personified, and possess great qusaities. And the Jungle is another world, with its own complicated laws and rules, and it is much more deep and full of life that we ever think. i know it is only a book, and its not real!:), but since reading about Mowgli when I was little, I often wonder what are the chances of me getting lost in a Jungle, and being saved and befriended by a pack of wolves...aah, the ridiculous dreams people have sometimes :))
Im quite excited about recently buying a copy of the book for myself here in the UK, now I don't need to bring with me every time from Bulgaria. This is the next title on my book shelf, which has it's sister copy in Sofia...One day and I will have to transfer them all to wherever my home will be..a nice little reunion.
I found a beautiful illustration of The Jungle Book in the ent, and it looks a lot like my copy. And Im sharing with you my favourite song of the book, The White Seal.
Seal Lullaby
Oh! hush thee, my baby, the night is behind us,
And black are the waters that sparkled so green
The moon, o'er the combers, looks downward to find us
At rest in the hollows that rustle between.
Where billow meets billow, there soft be thy pillow;
Ah, weary wee flipperling, curl at thy ease!
The storm ahall not wake thee, nor shark overtake thee,
Asleep in the arms of the slow-swinging seas.
Sunset, ladies!
Today was a pretty laid back day. Not having uni work to stress about has left a void in my life, seriously :)) And I know its not only me. Yesterday I had a lovely chat with one of my best friends in the world, her name is Emily. She used to be quite the party animal in her time, but yesterday, in her car on our way back to Canterbury after a jam night in Deal, we were both talking about how good it feels to have a plan, and to know what you are doing, how important it has become for us to have an idea of what is going to happen tomorrow. That probably sounds quite unorthodox for two girls in their twenties, and certainly isn't matching my rather risky and totally unpredictable behaviour lately (I might talk about it in another post:); but sometimes people grow to love order, and chaos makes them feel restless, wasting time. This is exactly how I feel at the moment, restless. I know I have plenty of things to do, like finish my dissertation proposal, move out of my old room, transfer all my stuff to the new house, complete my new healthy body image routine, plenty of activities :)) Somehow though I manage to feel rather empty and hollow, with no deadlines choking me, and the constant stress. I guess some things really have changed :))...
This day was marked by meetings with dear friends, and all of them girls :)) The friendship between girls is one of a kind, I have many guy friends, and most if the times I get along better with guys, but the relationship between girlies is something very very special :) Girls do talk about everything, and share a lot, and the girlfriends I have around me I feel like sisters and love dearly. As my life is constantly divided between Bulgaria and Britain, rarely do I manage to speak with all my girls at the same time, but these two days were magical :D First, a reunion with my dear sweet lovely Em, who currently is rocking life in the big city, it feels so essential, vital even!, to meet with your girlfriend and tell her all that has been happening, and you can talk for hours and hours, and there are still things you need to say, and so many topics that have to be covered. The stories to listen are endless :)) After my lovely Em I had a midnight skype session with another dear dear girl, this time form Bulgaria, her name is Irina, and until the wee hours in the morning we talked about all that has been going on, and the distance of nearly 3000 miles didn't even matter :) It is amazing how girls can have a liberating intimate conversation even through skype, it is all about the friendship really :D Today, I had a chat with my biggest girly love, the sister who has known me since primary school, my BG soul mate Marina, and she managed to lift a huge burden from my heart. Even though I know its completely stupid and unreasonable, every time I go back, either home in BG or home in the UK, I feel so anxious, in a way worried whether people have changed too much, whether I have changed, whether I have been missed and anticipated as much as I have missed people all the time. Well, today Marina managed to persuade me with only a few sentences that I have been missed greatly, that both of us can't wait to see each other, and we are going to start talking as if we haven't been away from each other at all, and we are going to have a fantastic summer together, and nothing in our relationship will ever change. But maybe the best feeling from today is the upcoming meeting :)) My best Dutch girl of all times, my dear Elise, is already back home in Canters, and I can hardly wait to see my lovely future housemate, and hug her, and have the best girly time in Coffee and Corks, and enjoy every minute and every word :))
Gosh, this post is not only making me happy because I have great girlfriends, but also making me sad, because there are so many dear to mi girlies, away from me, in Bulgaria, and in Sweden, and in London, and in Kent, and all around the bloody world! :) I wish, and that is a true sincere dream, that we could all meet, all of us, and for once me to be able to experience what it feels like to be able to see all the important girls in my life, that definitely make me what I am. Love you my ladies!
And before this post gets ridiculously cheesy, and I decide to make a pop album form it, titled "Love you ladies" (haha:), just one final thought :) I have to agree with my dear friend Victoria and her post about the beautiful sunset over the South-East of Kent today, it really was magnificent, I'm glad so many of us were looking at it and enjoying it, it was a flame one :)) One of my hobbies is taking really amateur photos of the sky, and here are some of my favourite ones, hope you enjoy them :)
That really is the most cheesy-girlie-pinky-sugary post ever! lol Where is my new cynicism gone??
This day was marked by meetings with dear friends, and all of them girls :)) The friendship between girls is one of a kind, I have many guy friends, and most if the times I get along better with guys, but the relationship between girlies is something very very special :) Girls do talk about everything, and share a lot, and the girlfriends I have around me I feel like sisters and love dearly. As my life is constantly divided between Bulgaria and Britain, rarely do I manage to speak with all my girls at the same time, but these two days were magical :D First, a reunion with my dear sweet lovely Em, who currently is rocking life in the big city, it feels so essential, vital even!, to meet with your girlfriend and tell her all that has been happening, and you can talk for hours and hours, and there are still things you need to say, and so many topics that have to be covered. The stories to listen are endless :)) After my lovely Em I had a midnight skype session with another dear dear girl, this time form Bulgaria, her name is Irina, and until the wee hours in the morning we talked about all that has been going on, and the distance of nearly 3000 miles didn't even matter :) It is amazing how girls can have a liberating intimate conversation even through skype, it is all about the friendship really :D Today, I had a chat with my biggest girly love, the sister who has known me since primary school, my BG soul mate Marina, and she managed to lift a huge burden from my heart. Even though I know its completely stupid and unreasonable, every time I go back, either home in BG or home in the UK, I feel so anxious, in a way worried whether people have changed too much, whether I have changed, whether I have been missed and anticipated as much as I have missed people all the time. Well, today Marina managed to persuade me with only a few sentences that I have been missed greatly, that both of us can't wait to see each other, and we are going to start talking as if we haven't been away from each other at all, and we are going to have a fantastic summer together, and nothing in our relationship will ever change. But maybe the best feeling from today is the upcoming meeting :)) My best Dutch girl of all times, my dear Elise, is already back home in Canters, and I can hardly wait to see my lovely future housemate, and hug her, and have the best girly time in Coffee and Corks, and enjoy every minute and every word :))
Gosh, this post is not only making me happy because I have great girlfriends, but also making me sad, because there are so many dear to mi girlies, away from me, in Bulgaria, and in Sweden, and in London, and in Kent, and all around the bloody world! :) I wish, and that is a true sincere dream, that we could all meet, all of us, and for once me to be able to experience what it feels like to be able to see all the important girls in my life, that definitely make me what I am. Love you my ladies!
And before this post gets ridiculously cheesy, and I decide to make a pop album form it, titled "Love you ladies" (haha:), just one final thought :) I have to agree with my dear friend Victoria and her post about the beautiful sunset over the South-East of Kent today, it really was magnificent, I'm glad so many of us were looking at it and enjoying it, it was a flame one :)) One of my hobbies is taking really amateur photos of the sky, and here are some of my favourite ones, hope you enjoy them :)
That really is the most cheesy-girlie-pinky-sugary post ever! lol Where is my new cynicism gone??
Tuesday, 16 June 2009
Little scars
A quick midnight editorial on perception and innocence.
Tonight I was coming back home along with a friend, and we were talking about my newly acquired cynicism, coming to replace the bitter taste in my mouth after all the emotional rubbish from the last few months. In the light of the street lamps I could see doubt in his face, as if he was convinced my cynicism is only words rolling out of my mouth, in a moment of anger, rather than my real nature. Later on this evening I was reminiscing the last few days of partying, and a sudden memory came to my mind- a colleague of mine in Politics surprised by my behaviour at her party, and saying she never thought I was so cheeky, daring in a certain way. And just before I started writing this, I was reading old blog posts of my good friend Victoria, and I came across a description of me, as the most Innocent person she has ever met. Bless her! :) I had to seriously think about why people always describe me as innocent, uncorrupted, naive and childish even. Is this my real nature, and my cynical moments are simply an outcry after emotional shock; or is there something else beneath the surface, something I hide well, and I don't let anybody see? Not an easy question to answer.
To begin with, I think it has always been like that. People automatically assume I am good and innocent, maybe my looks have to with that. I am a short, chubby cute looking girl. I do not possess neither ephemeral beauty, nor rough sex appeal. I look much younger for my age, and almost all the time my easy going nature is written all over my face, I can't pull off a serious look too well. Whenever I try to look concentrated and professional, especially in class, people usually ask as I am feeling alright lol :)) Maybe this is the first sign for people that quite an optimistic and naive person is standing against them. Even my earliest sexual experiences are connected with innocence, or with the desire of corrupting it. Age 12-13 I was an early blossoming teenage girl, with quite feminine body and very childish brain. I used to spend the summer with my brother and grandmother in the countryside, and all my friends were much older than me. My girl friends all had boyfriends, they all used to go round town in cars and on motorcycles, parading their relationships, experimenting with their bodies, looking for ways to fight boredom in the little rural town. I was one of them because I had to, I wanted to be accepted. Between year 12 and 13 I did many things for the first time- shaved my legs, smoked, kissed a guy ten years older than me, had my first boyfriend, had a guy touch parts of me unseen by the sun so far, wore high heels and a mini skirt, drank myself to oblivion, got into a massive fight with my parents. So many things I did, and others did to me, that is almost insane to assume nothing in me has changed. I don't think about these times anymore. Haven't seen the "friends" in many many years; the boyfriend is forever a bachelor and a current alcoholic, at least he was the last time I saw him; I hardly go to that part of the countryside anymore, and all I have left from there are a few bad memories and the craving for cigarettes. Old habits die hard.
It is a great gift that those days are not written on my face. I grew up to be very strong from there. And developed a wonderful relationship with my parents. Never again will I behave like that, outrageously stupid, jeopardising myself in so many ways. Been there and it is not anything cool. These days I am cool for many different reasons. The right ones. And thank God- nothing was left scarring my heart or my face. It is a clean sheet :))
Then maybe people get the impression of me being innocent because of the things I say? Even in high school I was famous for parading my socialist views and ideas of liberation among my classmates and teachers. However, that was never perceived as a good thing. People use to frown upon my big mouth and my free flowing speech, seeing it as a reason for me to get in trouble, or get them in trouble. Later on things changed a bit, I went in uni and I grew stronger in my knowledge and socialist views, this time backing them up with solid facts and creating a much deeper argument. Again I was frowned upon, accused of being naive and shallow, for sporting my Marxist sentiments and openly admitting I was into politics. The sexists "realists", or in other words the power politics-free market-American dream losers my country is full with, saw me as an easy target to make them selves feel good, by arguing with me, trying to catch me up not knowing what I was talking about. In that sense, being innocent in my views, in the sense that i care about the most disadvantaged, became a synonym of naive, and for a long time I was struggling, doubting that maybe people were right. These days I feel even stronger in my views, I know what I know, and I also know it reflects me, so any hardcore liberal out there, or even worse- an anarchist- can argue with me as much as they want, I am a socialist and loving it, and I'm not nether Innocent nor shallow in my views, I am simply believing in what I stand for.
The more I think about innocence, the more I start to like it. Maybe it is a good think that people perceive me as innocent, sometimes even not that bright. that leaves me all the space in the world to surprise them, show them another side of myself. My biggest advantage might be the fact that people often don't see what is coming, thinking I am not capable of much. I'm starting to like being innocent and uncorrupted. As every person on earth I have had my bad periods, but its nice to know that I have kept many precious qualities too, and these are the ones people come across first. Its actually brilliant :) I manage to remain discrete about the darker side of me, and show it only when its necessary. Apart from that i am as care-free as any other 21-years-old girl, in the middle of summer ;)
Just like you, I have my scars...and they are all hidden well.
Tonight I was coming back home along with a friend, and we were talking about my newly acquired cynicism, coming to replace the bitter taste in my mouth after all the emotional rubbish from the last few months. In the light of the street lamps I could see doubt in his face, as if he was convinced my cynicism is only words rolling out of my mouth, in a moment of anger, rather than my real nature. Later on this evening I was reminiscing the last few days of partying, and a sudden memory came to my mind- a colleague of mine in Politics surprised by my behaviour at her party, and saying she never thought I was so cheeky, daring in a certain way. And just before I started writing this, I was reading old blog posts of my good friend Victoria, and I came across a description of me, as the most Innocent person she has ever met. Bless her! :) I had to seriously think about why people always describe me as innocent, uncorrupted, naive and childish even. Is this my real nature, and my cynical moments are simply an outcry after emotional shock; or is there something else beneath the surface, something I hide well, and I don't let anybody see? Not an easy question to answer.
To begin with, I think it has always been like that. People automatically assume I am good and innocent, maybe my looks have to with that. I am a short, chubby cute looking girl. I do not possess neither ephemeral beauty, nor rough sex appeal. I look much younger for my age, and almost all the time my easy going nature is written all over my face, I can't pull off a serious look too well. Whenever I try to look concentrated and professional, especially in class, people usually ask as I am feeling alright lol :)) Maybe this is the first sign for people that quite an optimistic and naive person is standing against them. Even my earliest sexual experiences are connected with innocence, or with the desire of corrupting it. Age 12-13 I was an early blossoming teenage girl, with quite feminine body and very childish brain. I used to spend the summer with my brother and grandmother in the countryside, and all my friends were much older than me. My girl friends all had boyfriends, they all used to go round town in cars and on motorcycles, parading their relationships, experimenting with their bodies, looking for ways to fight boredom in the little rural town. I was one of them because I had to, I wanted to be accepted. Between year 12 and 13 I did many things for the first time- shaved my legs, smoked, kissed a guy ten years older than me, had my first boyfriend, had a guy touch parts of me unseen by the sun so far, wore high heels and a mini skirt, drank myself to oblivion, got into a massive fight with my parents. So many things I did, and others did to me, that is almost insane to assume nothing in me has changed. I don't think about these times anymore. Haven't seen the "friends" in many many years; the boyfriend is forever a bachelor and a current alcoholic, at least he was the last time I saw him; I hardly go to that part of the countryside anymore, and all I have left from there are a few bad memories and the craving for cigarettes. Old habits die hard.
It is a great gift that those days are not written on my face. I grew up to be very strong from there. And developed a wonderful relationship with my parents. Never again will I behave like that, outrageously stupid, jeopardising myself in so many ways. Been there and it is not anything cool. These days I am cool for many different reasons. The right ones. And thank God- nothing was left scarring my heart or my face. It is a clean sheet :))
Then maybe people get the impression of me being innocent because of the things I say? Even in high school I was famous for parading my socialist views and ideas of liberation among my classmates and teachers. However, that was never perceived as a good thing. People use to frown upon my big mouth and my free flowing speech, seeing it as a reason for me to get in trouble, or get them in trouble. Later on things changed a bit, I went in uni and I grew stronger in my knowledge and socialist views, this time backing them up with solid facts and creating a much deeper argument. Again I was frowned upon, accused of being naive and shallow, for sporting my Marxist sentiments and openly admitting I was into politics. The sexists "realists", or in other words the power politics-free market-American dream losers my country is full with, saw me as an easy target to make them selves feel good, by arguing with me, trying to catch me up not knowing what I was talking about. In that sense, being innocent in my views, in the sense that i care about the most disadvantaged, became a synonym of naive, and for a long time I was struggling, doubting that maybe people were right. These days I feel even stronger in my views, I know what I know, and I also know it reflects me, so any hardcore liberal out there, or even worse- an anarchist- can argue with me as much as they want, I am a socialist and loving it, and I'm not nether Innocent nor shallow in my views, I am simply believing in what I stand for.
The more I think about innocence, the more I start to like it. Maybe it is a good think that people perceive me as innocent, sometimes even not that bright. that leaves me all the space in the world to surprise them, show them another side of myself. My biggest advantage might be the fact that people often don't see what is coming, thinking I am not capable of much. I'm starting to like being innocent and uncorrupted. As every person on earth I have had my bad periods, but its nice to know that I have kept many precious qualities too, and these are the ones people come across first. Its actually brilliant :) I manage to remain discrete about the darker side of me, and show it only when its necessary. Apart from that i am as care-free as any other 21-years-old girl, in the middle of summer ;)
Just like you, I have my scars...and they are all hidden well.
Thursday, 11 June 2009
Bitter taste in my mouth
"Mnogo hubavo ne e na xubavo" - Too good is not for the best! I just proved this saying in a spectacular way. Today has been a wonderful day, and I was feeling so lucky with things falling on their places, but I managed to spoil it right in the end. After making the best interview ever, with a source not only reliable, but also interesting, charming and amusing, I came back home almost walking on earth like the frikking goddess of journalism. I sat down to listen to the interview and all of a sudden I got the stupid urge to erase all other interviews, so that it would be easier to access the last one. before I knew it, with these silly fingers of mine I erased 30 min of a great conversation on an exciting topic and I feel like an idiot!! Not only did I lost a valuable piece of information, but I also wasted the time of the other person. And that is the thing about being a professionalised you have one shot and that is it, you take it and make the best of it...arrghh, I feel I just blew mine...
Never mind....We'll have to see what will happen...but that spoilt my mood completely...and I feel so silly.
Never mind....We'll have to see what will happen...but that spoilt my mood completely...and I feel so silly.
Wednesday, 10 June 2009
I didn't know I could talk about sex! (human nature)*
I am dealing with the most interesting and saucy idea that has crossed my mind the last few weeks :)) Since the break up I got back on the singleton market and I am experiencing all these aspects of being currently not involved and very sexually active, in other words horny :)) So far it is just ideas in my head, but as every over-analytical woman I can't help it but think what it would be if....
Alright, now we have all had this conversation with our friends, both men and women, about sleeping with a stranger...very very soon :D We have all been there at one point, if not actually doing it at least thinking seriously about it, especially after a big change, when we desperately need to feel attractive and wanted again. Because I am praising myself for being honest, and in the interest of fair and personal journalism, I will admit I have done it, and I will share I have mixed impressions :)) In some of the times it worked perfectly, as it gave me exactly what I needed at that point, meaning casual sex with no commitment and an immediate boost up of my confidence and libido! On other occasions...well it just made me feel awkward, usually after the alcoholic delirium is over and I find myself in the bed of a complete stranger... who is not even that attractive anymore :)) So every time I find myself flirting with a cute boy, with the perspectives of some more personal contact looking promising, I am going over the whole debate on having sex with a guy(girl) on the first date...or even without a date :) And as my friends currently are away and we can't share thoughts and opinions, I decided to Google the problem and see what anonymous strangers have to say about it.
The first opinion I read was actually from a popular question-answer site, and the author- a 14-years-old girl-was sharing how she got drunk at a party and slept with a guy in the bathroom...without using a condom and already feeling sick, convinced she is pregnant and it is morning sickness....I mean... :)) I'll probably go to hell for thinking that, but come on!! This poor too-early-too-active lass actually represents the very end of the whole debate, there is no debate at that point, the sex has happened, the protection hasn't happened, now all that is left is worrying about the consequences and possibly a quite embarrassing visit to the doctors. Although I am infamous among my friends for being reckless in my sexual endeavours, I can presume this period is over for me. I am no longer getting really drunk and having accidental sex without condoms, now I try to be more mature and sophisticated and have intentional sex with all the protection necessary :) I did feel sorry for the wee girl, she is representative of our earliest impressions on sex, although at her age I didn't even know I was a girl (methaphorically), and I sure hope all went fine with her and these days she is not pregnant and on her way to growing up and becoming more responsible about sex.
The next post I came across was honestly hilarious!! :D It was from a guy...sharing website, where one self proclaimed womaniser was giving tips and practical advises on how to get action on the first date, haha :D Maan, if my ego is pretty pretty big, this guy's ego has already swallowed him, as he kept on talking about how many women he slept with, and how good he was. I simply have to quote him: "You might think that these sorts of experiences will boost your ego and inflate your head. You're right, but be warned that it might also blur your perception of women.I have slept with many women, ranging from single ones, to those with boyfriends, fiancees, husbands -- I've even bedded good female friends." Hahahahaaa :)) Now the guy writes a very long "article" on how guys can get women to sleep with them on the first date, however it was closed for non members, and I don't think I will ever bother myself with joining his appreciation group or whatever, the twat...What I got from his site though, is the forever going bullshit theory, that when men sleep with lots of women on the first date they are players. When a woman does exactly the same all of a sudden she is slagged off for being promiscuous!! Now I don't often come across as a feminist, but that bloody does my heading! The guy goes on and on about what a pimp player he is, and how easy it is to get women in bed, and he refers to the same women as his conquests (!!!) and cliche stereotypes, using "lines" to explain their sluttyness. Now that is bloody awful! If something is stopping me from having sex with a guy for the sheer physical pleasure only, is the possibility of me ending up in someones blog or men's conversation as an easy slutty girl, who got TRICKED into having sex on the first date. When it is the other way around! Nobody tricks me into nothing, its not like I see a hot guy in a club and I think "Oh,I would really love to get to know him, and have a relationship with him, and get him to respect me.." blah blah blah... I'm probably thinking "Oh, he is hot, I would love to shag him and never see him again!" I see no problem in two people having sex with no attachment, maybe I feel mature and evolved enough to say it, sometimes it is not a super serious relationship we are after, especially when we are in out twenties. But I simply hate it when guys see themselves as some kind of urban hunters, using tricks to get women to be with them, when they are also sexual objects, just like the women they chase so much, because we all want the same thing. It would make things much more pleasant and not embarrassing for everyone, if men realised that, as women do. Pardon my feminist ways, but society has made women feel promiscuous and slutty when wanting to fulfil the normal desire of human closeness....
So far I haven't really made it clear fro myself exactly how I feel about having sex with a stranger, or on a first date (for me these two expressions overlap to a great extent, so I'm just going to use one of them). On one hand I feel more grown up than I used to, I think I can handle having sex without commitment of any kind, and without feeling slutty, using all protection to preserve my health and safety. However, on the other hand I can see guys sleeping with me, and telling all about it to their lads, using me as a trophy of some kind, of a proof what players their are, while I am risking public condemnation for being a whore. I'll have to look at one more publishing on the web, and hopefully I will come across something interesting. But before that, a brief thought on what a whore means. I am not entirely sure what the word means in the UK, is it just a woman having sex outside committed relationship or marriage, meaning sex for the physical pleasure only, or is it something else? In Bulgaria, we call whores men and women who sleep with other people in order to gain some personal advantage, using their bodies. For example, if I am sleeping with a much older guy, without feeling any attraction to him, but simply wanting him to buy me clothes lets say, that will pretty much classify me as a whore. I would be a woman sleeping with people to get something, using the people I sleep with. I am not sure what whore means in here. If it means simply a sexually active/independent/open-minded woman then we have a problem!!
Anyway...the third post I read was definitely the best one so far, although it still uses terms I can't agree with. I found it in a free articles website, under the title "Having sex without commitment". It was a pretty agreeable piece on how things has simply changed and these days people don't look into sex as much as they used to do before. these days you can simply have sex for the sake of it, just like "Sex and the city" preach, it is almost like being modern is all about having sex and no romance. As I said, I don't have a problem with it, as I find myself having tasted both sides. I have had one night stands, and I have had sex in a "serious" relationship and guess what...both times it didn't last! So these days I return to the basic, thinking that I might not be mature enough for a committed long-term romantic relationship, being only 21, but I am as ready as possible for having great sex :)) However, people keep thinking about sex with no commitment as a game, as a trickery, as someone using someone else, lying to them and breaking their heart. I simply don't agree with it, or at least I won't be having sex with a guy, seeing our night of passion as challenge or a game to win. Why not refer to it as two equal individuals fulfilling their mutual need for some physical closeness, for some hugging and kissing, for an immediate rush of adrenalin, without ending up feeling played or treated as whores!
Wow...it is already past one in the morning, and I am not getting anywhere near resolving this debate. It might be because everything is absolutely individual and you can't make generalisations. Different people feel things in a different way, and if I am going to pursue fulfillment of mu natural needs I'd better find someone with similar understandings and a shared feeling of discretion! Or not get bothered about people calling me a slut behind my back ;)) It is summer....and I am only human...haha!
* Madonna rocks man...
Alright, now we have all had this conversation with our friends, both men and women, about sleeping with a stranger...very very soon :D We have all been there at one point, if not actually doing it at least thinking seriously about it, especially after a big change, when we desperately need to feel attractive and wanted again. Because I am praising myself for being honest, and in the interest of fair and personal journalism, I will admit I have done it, and I will share I have mixed impressions :)) In some of the times it worked perfectly, as it gave me exactly what I needed at that point, meaning casual sex with no commitment and an immediate boost up of my confidence and libido! On other occasions...well it just made me feel awkward, usually after the alcoholic delirium is over and I find myself in the bed of a complete stranger... who is not even that attractive anymore :)) So every time I find myself flirting with a cute boy, with the perspectives of some more personal contact looking promising, I am going over the whole debate on having sex with a guy(girl) on the first date...or even without a date :) And as my friends currently are away and we can't share thoughts and opinions, I decided to Google the problem and see what anonymous strangers have to say about it.
The first opinion I read was actually from a popular question-answer site, and the author- a 14-years-old girl-was sharing how she got drunk at a party and slept with a guy in the bathroom...without using a condom and already feeling sick, convinced she is pregnant and it is morning sickness....I mean... :)) I'll probably go to hell for thinking that, but come on!! This poor too-early-too-active lass actually represents the very end of the whole debate, there is no debate at that point, the sex has happened, the protection hasn't happened, now all that is left is worrying about the consequences and possibly a quite embarrassing visit to the doctors. Although I am infamous among my friends for being reckless in my sexual endeavours, I can presume this period is over for me. I am no longer getting really drunk and having accidental sex without condoms, now I try to be more mature and sophisticated and have intentional sex with all the protection necessary :) I did feel sorry for the wee girl, she is representative of our earliest impressions on sex, although at her age I didn't even know I was a girl (methaphorically), and I sure hope all went fine with her and these days she is not pregnant and on her way to growing up and becoming more responsible about sex.
The next post I came across was honestly hilarious!! :D It was from a guy...sharing website, where one self proclaimed womaniser was giving tips and practical advises on how to get action on the first date, haha :D Maan, if my ego is pretty pretty big, this guy's ego has already swallowed him, as he kept on talking about how many women he slept with, and how good he was. I simply have to quote him: "You might think that these sorts of experiences will boost your ego and inflate your head. You're right, but be warned that it might also blur your perception of women.I have slept with many women, ranging from single ones, to those with boyfriends, fiancees, husbands -- I've even bedded good female friends." Hahahahaaa :)) Now the guy writes a very long "article" on how guys can get women to sleep with them on the first date, however it was closed for non members, and I don't think I will ever bother myself with joining his appreciation group or whatever, the twat...What I got from his site though, is the forever going bullshit theory, that when men sleep with lots of women on the first date they are players. When a woman does exactly the same all of a sudden she is slagged off for being promiscuous!! Now I don't often come across as a feminist, but that bloody does my heading! The guy goes on and on about what a pimp player he is, and how easy it is to get women in bed, and he refers to the same women as his conquests (!!!) and cliche stereotypes, using "lines" to explain their sluttyness. Now that is bloody awful! If something is stopping me from having sex with a guy for the sheer physical pleasure only, is the possibility of me ending up in someones blog or men's conversation as an easy slutty girl, who got TRICKED into having sex on the first date. When it is the other way around! Nobody tricks me into nothing, its not like I see a hot guy in a club and I think "Oh,I would really love to get to know him, and have a relationship with him, and get him to respect me.." blah blah blah... I'm probably thinking "Oh, he is hot, I would love to shag him and never see him again!" I see no problem in two people having sex with no attachment, maybe I feel mature and evolved enough to say it, sometimes it is not a super serious relationship we are after, especially when we are in out twenties. But I simply hate it when guys see themselves as some kind of urban hunters, using tricks to get women to be with them, when they are also sexual objects, just like the women they chase so much, because we all want the same thing. It would make things much more pleasant and not embarrassing for everyone, if men realised that, as women do. Pardon my feminist ways, but society has made women feel promiscuous and slutty when wanting to fulfil the normal desire of human closeness....
So far I haven't really made it clear fro myself exactly how I feel about having sex with a stranger, or on a first date (for me these two expressions overlap to a great extent, so I'm just going to use one of them). On one hand I feel more grown up than I used to, I think I can handle having sex without commitment of any kind, and without feeling slutty, using all protection to preserve my health and safety. However, on the other hand I can see guys sleeping with me, and telling all about it to their lads, using me as a trophy of some kind, of a proof what players their are, while I am risking public condemnation for being a whore. I'll have to look at one more publishing on the web, and hopefully I will come across something interesting. But before that, a brief thought on what a whore means. I am not entirely sure what the word means in the UK, is it just a woman having sex outside committed relationship or marriage, meaning sex for the physical pleasure only, or is it something else? In Bulgaria, we call whores men and women who sleep with other people in order to gain some personal advantage, using their bodies. For example, if I am sleeping with a much older guy, without feeling any attraction to him, but simply wanting him to buy me clothes lets say, that will pretty much classify me as a whore. I would be a woman sleeping with people to get something, using the people I sleep with. I am not sure what whore means in here. If it means simply a sexually active/independent/open-minded woman then we have a problem!!
Anyway...the third post I read was definitely the best one so far, although it still uses terms I can't agree with. I found it in a free articles website, under the title "Having sex without commitment". It was a pretty agreeable piece on how things has simply changed and these days people don't look into sex as much as they used to do before. these days you can simply have sex for the sake of it, just like "Sex and the city" preach, it is almost like being modern is all about having sex and no romance. As I said, I don't have a problem with it, as I find myself having tasted both sides. I have had one night stands, and I have had sex in a "serious" relationship and guess what...both times it didn't last! So these days I return to the basic, thinking that I might not be mature enough for a committed long-term romantic relationship, being only 21, but I am as ready as possible for having great sex :)) However, people keep thinking about sex with no commitment as a game, as a trickery, as someone using someone else, lying to them and breaking their heart. I simply don't agree with it, or at least I won't be having sex with a guy, seeing our night of passion as challenge or a game to win. Why not refer to it as two equal individuals fulfilling their mutual need for some physical closeness, for some hugging and kissing, for an immediate rush of adrenalin, without ending up feeling played or treated as whores!
Wow...it is already past one in the morning, and I am not getting anywhere near resolving this debate. It might be because everything is absolutely individual and you can't make generalisations. Different people feel things in a different way, and if I am going to pursue fulfillment of mu natural needs I'd better find someone with similar understandings and a shared feeling of discretion! Or not get bothered about people calling me a slut behind my back ;)) It is summer....and I am only human...haha!
* Madonna rocks man...
Monday, 8 June 2009
European Elections (and a Travis song)
I am writing this while waiting for the next "Sex and the City" episode to upload, I spent the last few hours watching previous seasons and pondering men in my head. The only conclusion I get to is the fact that I simply don't get them and I think they are weird :)) Just like kindergarten lol.
However, I did do some more reasonable things today. To begin with, I spoke with my parents for hours, discussing the latest European Parliament election results back in Bulgaria, only interrupted by the latest gossip that my brother is in love and going to the seaside..with her?:))
I have to say I am deeply unhappy with the election results, not only in Bulgarian and the UK, but around Europe as a whole. To begin with, as far as I got it, on these elections a record low number of people have expressed their right to vote, and that comes to show that people don't care anymore, and it is not only the case of transition states like Bulgaria, but people all across Europe are slowly getting disinterested in what is happening around them and feel no need to vote, which is a scary tendency. My father today, as the Bulgarian elections were on the 7th of June, didn't even bother thinking about voting, and in his words he was exercising his right NOT to vote, and he was firmly following his own principle, that is better not to vote, when there is a lack of representative and honest political figures. I disagree, I wish I could vote, but right now I can't afford to go all the way to London just for a day, I had to sit back and watch the game, but I am so voting in the Bulgarian Parliament elections next month! For me it is absolutely essential to vote, only after registering your vote do you participate in the decision-making process on a very personal level! If peoples are active, in the sense of voting and firmly expressing their discontent, then in my opinion the governing figures will be more aware that in a representative democracy they are chosen BY the PEOPLE to represent PEOPLE'S INTERESTS!! And they will be more aware of the fact, that their actions are not left unnoticed and the people are not merely sheep, but active citizens. For me, the whole point of voting is hearing what the representative figures promise to do, vote them your consent and trust, and if they fail to fulfil their promises, you can hold them responsible and remove them from power. I know I might sound idealistic, but my role as a chair of a political society dealing with raising awareness on political matters, only perfectly corresponds to my own beliefs.
Another thought, if it isn't the people's growing disinterest with politics, then the economic crises and the overall instability all across Europe and the world might be an explanation of the rise of the far-right parties. Although I am unhappy with the victory of the Conservatives in the UK, that hardly came as a surprise, after the last few weeks of the Labour cabinet falling apart. What came as a surprise were the far0right parties, I didn't expect the BNP to get a seat in the parliament, or the Bulgarian equivalent "Attack". I honestly hate the ideas and the slogans of parties like these and I am worried about their presence in the EU Parliament, although it is quite insignificant as compared to other parties. What troubles me the most is that these parties are finding their way to more and more people, which speaks about the current state of politics and the real disenchantment of people, failed bu the traditional left and right parties, left with no other option but a far right-nationalist-racist-discriminating party like the BNP. Rubbish....
in Bulgaria the case was only slightly different. The biggest winner was a new party, "Gerb", headed by the current mayor of the capital Sofia. It is difficult for me to put them in the left-right linear model, they claim to be a central left?? party, but they are only too new to tell, in countries like mine the name of the party doesn't often correspond to the politics line. The next in line is the Socialist party, which is not good despite the fact that I am a socialist, because the BSP still consists of the old communists, belonging to another dark and dodgy era, and everyone knows that. For example, my mom is quite central left, but again she voted for the Democratic party, even if they are being very unconvincing for a number of years, its just that they are always better than a bunch of old time communists. The third runner up is the Turkish minority party, which is also annoying, because their leader is probably the most awful and dodgy political figure in Bulgaria, and it also makes me feel as if the Bulgarian nation does not care about its country anymore, an all of a sudden the "tails" about buses full of Turkish people with Bulgarian passports,coming "home" only to vote, sound more real.... Then comes "Attack", the most ridiculous right wing party I have ever seen, with the scariest leader ever, a man that can be as mad as a hatter, and as cold as a robot. Freak...
Aanyway...gosh, I can talk about politics all the time :)) In conclusion, i am not happy with the results, but I am happy with the feeling that I understand a bit more than I did a few years ago and I care not for those of you who think I know shit about politics!!!
I can't really recall the rest of the day, I kind of remember bright spots, like me washing my hair, and talking to my parents, and reading about the EU lobbying, and....making a salad...but all got blurred in the end, by a vigorously waited and dreaded message, followed by another one, that again left me wondering about everything and making three steps back....I really need to calm down, PEACE THE FUCK OUT!! I am going to bed, as my head is going to burst, I have been having a headache all day, and that is a clear sign that my inner balance has been disrupted once more...
However, I did do some more reasonable things today. To begin with, I spoke with my parents for hours, discussing the latest European Parliament election results back in Bulgaria, only interrupted by the latest gossip that my brother is in love and going to the seaside..with her?:))
I have to say I am deeply unhappy with the election results, not only in Bulgarian and the UK, but around Europe as a whole. To begin with, as far as I got it, on these elections a record low number of people have expressed their right to vote, and that comes to show that people don't care anymore, and it is not only the case of transition states like Bulgaria, but people all across Europe are slowly getting disinterested in what is happening around them and feel no need to vote, which is a scary tendency. My father today, as the Bulgarian elections were on the 7th of June, didn't even bother thinking about voting, and in his words he was exercising his right NOT to vote, and he was firmly following his own principle, that is better not to vote, when there is a lack of representative and honest political figures. I disagree, I wish I could vote, but right now I can't afford to go all the way to London just for a day, I had to sit back and watch the game, but I am so voting in the Bulgarian Parliament elections next month! For me it is absolutely essential to vote, only after registering your vote do you participate in the decision-making process on a very personal level! If peoples are active, in the sense of voting and firmly expressing their discontent, then in my opinion the governing figures will be more aware that in a representative democracy they are chosen BY the PEOPLE to represent PEOPLE'S INTERESTS!! And they will be more aware of the fact, that their actions are not left unnoticed and the people are not merely sheep, but active citizens. For me, the whole point of voting is hearing what the representative figures promise to do, vote them your consent and trust, and if they fail to fulfil their promises, you can hold them responsible and remove them from power. I know I might sound idealistic, but my role as a chair of a political society dealing with raising awareness on political matters, only perfectly corresponds to my own beliefs.
Another thought, if it isn't the people's growing disinterest with politics, then the economic crises and the overall instability all across Europe and the world might be an explanation of the rise of the far-right parties. Although I am unhappy with the victory of the Conservatives in the UK, that hardly came as a surprise, after the last few weeks of the Labour cabinet falling apart. What came as a surprise were the far0right parties, I didn't expect the BNP to get a seat in the parliament, or the Bulgarian equivalent "Attack". I honestly hate the ideas and the slogans of parties like these and I am worried about their presence in the EU Parliament, although it is quite insignificant as compared to other parties. What troubles me the most is that these parties are finding their way to more and more people, which speaks about the current state of politics and the real disenchantment of people, failed bu the traditional left and right parties, left with no other option but a far right-nationalist-racist-discriminating party like the BNP. Rubbish....
in Bulgaria the case was only slightly different. The biggest winner was a new party, "Gerb", headed by the current mayor of the capital Sofia. It is difficult for me to put them in the left-right linear model, they claim to be a central left?? party, but they are only too new to tell, in countries like mine the name of the party doesn't often correspond to the politics line. The next in line is the Socialist party, which is not good despite the fact that I am a socialist, because the BSP still consists of the old communists, belonging to another dark and dodgy era, and everyone knows that. For example, my mom is quite central left, but again she voted for the Democratic party, even if they are being very unconvincing for a number of years, its just that they are always better than a bunch of old time communists. The third runner up is the Turkish minority party, which is also annoying, because their leader is probably the most awful and dodgy political figure in Bulgaria, and it also makes me feel as if the Bulgarian nation does not care about its country anymore, an all of a sudden the "tails" about buses full of Turkish people with Bulgarian passports,coming "home" only to vote, sound more real.... Then comes "Attack", the most ridiculous right wing party I have ever seen, with the scariest leader ever, a man that can be as mad as a hatter, and as cold as a robot. Freak...
Aanyway...gosh, I can talk about politics all the time :)) In conclusion, i am not happy with the results, but I am happy with the feeling that I understand a bit more than I did a few years ago and I care not for those of you who think I know shit about politics!!!
I can't really recall the rest of the day, I kind of remember bright spots, like me washing my hair, and talking to my parents, and reading about the EU lobbying, and....making a salad...but all got blurred in the end, by a vigorously waited and dreaded message, followed by another one, that again left me wondering about everything and making three steps back....I really need to calm down, PEACE THE FUCK OUT!! I am going to bed, as my head is going to burst, I have been having a headache all day, and that is a clear sign that my inner balance has been disrupted once more...
Wednesday, 3 June 2009
Not all songs are love songs
My room is finally clean, and hopefully my life is clean as well. I am not a tidy person by any means, but I put an enormous amount of time tidying up my room, constantly bugged by something, making the harmony I wanted spoiled. Finally I got it, it was all these stupid cards with little stupid fluffy things on them, inside words with no soul, read so many times, until they lost their meaning and became as bad as a lie. I put them all in a box, along with Bulgbarian (goodbye cuddly friend, it was never your fault), and with a grey box with a little silver heart...all this tokens of love, which never happened. They will stay under my table for as long as I move out and then who knows what is going to happen to them...
I finally erased all the messages, and on top of the ones I had written down I put a white sheet, so that I wont be able to read them anymore. And I have one friend less in facebook, now I can stop waiting for a message, or checking his page a dozen times, to see what he is up to. I shouldn't care anymore, I should only care about myself and my peace and quiet. I know it sounds like a weird explanation, as I keep talking about the summer, the time of the year I was waiting for so long, but inside me now it feels like snowing, feels like the first snow covering everything ugly and painful, and making it all white,even, calm. Its going to snow until I forget everything.
It feels awful and unnatural, I have never been so drastic and so...cold to anyone before, but this time I'm saving myself. No matter how bad it feels now, I can already feel the bitterness slipping away, it has never been like me to stay in the same place for too long. Not all songs are love songs, and soon I'll be singing a new one :)
I finally erased all the messages, and on top of the ones I had written down I put a white sheet, so that I wont be able to read them anymore. And I have one friend less in facebook, now I can stop waiting for a message, or checking his page a dozen times, to see what he is up to. I shouldn't care anymore, I should only care about myself and my peace and quiet. I know it sounds like a weird explanation, as I keep talking about the summer, the time of the year I was waiting for so long, but inside me now it feels like snowing, feels like the first snow covering everything ugly and painful, and making it all white,even, calm. Its going to snow until I forget everything.
It feels awful and unnatural, I have never been so drastic and so...cold to anyone before, but this time I'm saving myself. No matter how bad it feels now, I can already feel the bitterness slipping away, it has never been like me to stay in the same place for too long. Not all songs are love songs, and soon I'll be singing a new one :)
Fashion
Its time to write again, plenty of new things happened the last few days, I already feel the need to write in my invisible notebook :) However, this whole post is going to suck, my head is full of thoughts, but my body, and especially the fingers!, are sleeping; I smoked a copious amount of green substance tonight and I'm not in touch with my body :))Where do I begin?? :) I was so afraid the summer is going to be dull until I go home, but so far so good, its been fantastic :)) After me finally taking a firm stand on the whole break up matter I have time and strength to concentrate on my own activities, and I managed to do a whole range of new things, woop :D
I'll begin with the fashion show, yeii :)) I was backstage on a High Street fashion show in Canterbury this Saturday, and I worked as a dresser, haha :)) Wow....it was weird! In the good way, I have never practically been so close to so many clothes and professional models, and I managed to have a taste of many of the fashion shows aspects. i began with sorting out the individual model's rack of clothes. For example, if a store has sent a dress from their collection size 12, but the model is size 10, I need to take the dress and quickly exchange it for the proper size. So I spent the first few hours of my work day running from store to store, changing clothes and making sure all the outfits are present and put in the correct order. Then we transferred all the racks backstage and the models arrived!
About the models...they were so not what I expected!! To begin with, they were very beautiful, but not the kind of beauty my poor vain insecure woman heart was dreading, some kind of ephemeral beauty, perfection in human flesh, that would make me, the mortal, look ridiculous. They were pretty, in the sense that they were tall, and slim and slender, and with interesting features, but completely human like beautiful! So human, that the little flows like some uneven skin on the bum, or some not so perfect faces, or some heavy make up and unshaven armpits, looked more appealing, looked human, warm and familiar, and their beauty was shining, because they were not alien. I did fell a bit weird around them, with my short and chubby little personality, but soon I accepted their beauty, and I started enjoying it, I saw them like normal girls, not like threatening goddesses, whose while purpose was to make me feel awkward.
And their personality matched their looks! There were the occasional diva moments, coming form girls used to being in the centre, constantly exposed to the lights, but overall they were so normal int heir reactions, that in a sense only the height and the chosen career were the differences between all the girls backstage. One of the models was worried about her dry skin, another complaining about a swollen tummy after a heavy Indian dinner, third one was desperately fighting hey fever and was getting obsessive about the neatness of her hair, and one even got a call from her boyfriend, which get her so upset, she did the good old typically woman method of crying in secret, and pretending you have a cold....all of these things only too familiar....
They were so friendly in the end, answering my questions, taking pictures with us, cracking jokes and praising the amateur model girls for their work...I was pleasantly surprised by that too :) But the biggest surprise were the actual level of professionalism I observed today. The fashion show being not a major one, the models were not stressed too much about their looks of performance, but that only a mask, they were really determined to perform well! I admit I have been underestimating how complicated a fashion show is. The models had around six outfits in a show, and only a few minutes to change form one outfit to another. So they will come hurrying, will start undressing frantically, kicking heels everywhere and throwing clothes on the floor, and its the dressers' job to help them squeeze into the next outfit, pick up the clothes and prepare the next set...all of this in like 3 minutes :)) Both the models and the dressers are working hard, and its quite funny how the models are the faces, the bodies, in a sense the stars, but they are so dependant on the dressers, its more of a team work, not so much an individual an effort. It felt good, and the models did appreciate us, which was nice :)
There were so many things I wanted to ask them...As someone who has never felt particularly beautiful I chose my brains as my most important quality, and I know only too good how it feels to be judged about how clever, I wonder how it feels to be judged constantly about how you look...They changed so many clothes, some of them ill fitting, with zippers not going up properly, with too tight skirts, I almost had a hear attack only watching them, let alone having to do the same... Whenever I am trying on a piece of clothing, it always seems like a mini personal fight, and if the clothes don't fit I feel like losing, but that just me and my insecure nature...I wanted to ask them how does it feel and how much does it cost to always put on the clothes and work them as if you think you look fabulous...it must be pretty hard..almost unnatural...
Anyway, I really enjoyed the fashion show and I have loads of pictures of my friends and the stage, as well as some form backstage, which I might upload later. It was a brilliant day, although completely outside my comfort zone, but it did me a whole bunch of new things I didn't know and didn't notice before :)
As I am growing more and more tired, and even midnight raspberry sorbet wont wake me up after all the smoking, I will go to bed now and dream about tall women on tall shoes in rooms with tall ceilings :)) What else happened to me? Two guys were hitting on me in the coffee shop, one of them unsurprisngly annoyed me and even creeped me out a bit, the other one I surprisingly liked, both of us working quietly on the same sofa, little electricity in the air...but only little because everything still feels weird, and I came to the conclusion every time after a big change we start from scratch, and no past knowledge is left for referencing, all is gone and the new is as scary and exciting as ever. Also, i had a few nice nights out with my mates, met some lovely Dutch people, lovely girls indeed!; decided on the future four destinations ahead of me, for my Masters degree; burnt heavily on the chest area from sitting in the park too much; missed my brother's prom, but I'm gonna catch up with him in the summer; got disappointed with my individual project's marl, almost went back to my old violent ways, desperately scratching in my skin all the frustration from some silly percentages, when what is great about me is a sheet of paper away and its real, and no percentages can reflect on it.I also wrote for a website for journalism, i was invited and already produced an article on the politicians' madness and university fees :) And I have been eating again, determined to stay with this weight, and if lose d it the right way, as the summer is finally here and I want to enjoy every second of it, every breath of it, I want to forget the cold winter and the rainy spring....Its sunny summer and I'm 28 days away from home and sheer bliss :)) As a whole- great few days :))
I'll begin with the fashion show, yeii :)) I was backstage on a High Street fashion show in Canterbury this Saturday, and I worked as a dresser, haha :)) Wow....it was weird! In the good way, I have never practically been so close to so many clothes and professional models, and I managed to have a taste of many of the fashion shows aspects. i began with sorting out the individual model's rack of clothes. For example, if a store has sent a dress from their collection size 12, but the model is size 10, I need to take the dress and quickly exchange it for the proper size. So I spent the first few hours of my work day running from store to store, changing clothes and making sure all the outfits are present and put in the correct order. Then we transferred all the racks backstage and the models arrived!
About the models...they were so not what I expected!! To begin with, they were very beautiful, but not the kind of beauty my poor vain insecure woman heart was dreading, some kind of ephemeral beauty, perfection in human flesh, that would make me, the mortal, look ridiculous. They were pretty, in the sense that they were tall, and slim and slender, and with interesting features, but completely human like beautiful! So human, that the little flows like some uneven skin on the bum, or some not so perfect faces, or some heavy make up and unshaven armpits, looked more appealing, looked human, warm and familiar, and their beauty was shining, because they were not alien. I did fell a bit weird around them, with my short and chubby little personality, but soon I accepted their beauty, and I started enjoying it, I saw them like normal girls, not like threatening goddesses, whose while purpose was to make me feel awkward.
And their personality matched their looks! There were the occasional diva moments, coming form girls used to being in the centre, constantly exposed to the lights, but overall they were so normal int heir reactions, that in a sense only the height and the chosen career were the differences between all the girls backstage. One of the models was worried about her dry skin, another complaining about a swollen tummy after a heavy Indian dinner, third one was desperately fighting hey fever and was getting obsessive about the neatness of her hair, and one even got a call from her boyfriend, which get her so upset, she did the good old typically woman method of crying in secret, and pretending you have a cold....all of these things only too familiar....
They were so friendly in the end, answering my questions, taking pictures with us, cracking jokes and praising the amateur model girls for their work...I was pleasantly surprised by that too :) But the biggest surprise were the actual level of professionalism I observed today. The fashion show being not a major one, the models were not stressed too much about their looks of performance, but that only a mask, they were really determined to perform well! I admit I have been underestimating how complicated a fashion show is. The models had around six outfits in a show, and only a few minutes to change form one outfit to another. So they will come hurrying, will start undressing frantically, kicking heels everywhere and throwing clothes on the floor, and its the dressers' job to help them squeeze into the next outfit, pick up the clothes and prepare the next set...all of this in like 3 minutes :)) Both the models and the dressers are working hard, and its quite funny how the models are the faces, the bodies, in a sense the stars, but they are so dependant on the dressers, its more of a team work, not so much an individual an effort. It felt good, and the models did appreciate us, which was nice :)
There were so many things I wanted to ask them...As someone who has never felt particularly beautiful I chose my brains as my most important quality, and I know only too good how it feels to be judged about how clever, I wonder how it feels to be judged constantly about how you look...They changed so many clothes, some of them ill fitting, with zippers not going up properly, with too tight skirts, I almost had a hear attack only watching them, let alone having to do the same... Whenever I am trying on a piece of clothing, it always seems like a mini personal fight, and if the clothes don't fit I feel like losing, but that just me and my insecure nature...I wanted to ask them how does it feel and how much does it cost to always put on the clothes and work them as if you think you look fabulous...it must be pretty hard..almost unnatural...
Anyway, I really enjoyed the fashion show and I have loads of pictures of my friends and the stage, as well as some form backstage, which I might upload later. It was a brilliant day, although completely outside my comfort zone, but it did me a whole bunch of new things I didn't know and didn't notice before :)
As I am growing more and more tired, and even midnight raspberry sorbet wont wake me up after all the smoking, I will go to bed now and dream about tall women on tall shoes in rooms with tall ceilings :)) What else happened to me? Two guys were hitting on me in the coffee shop, one of them unsurprisngly annoyed me and even creeped me out a bit, the other one I surprisingly liked, both of us working quietly on the same sofa, little electricity in the air...but only little because everything still feels weird, and I came to the conclusion every time after a big change we start from scratch, and no past knowledge is left for referencing, all is gone and the new is as scary and exciting as ever. Also, i had a few nice nights out with my mates, met some lovely Dutch people, lovely girls indeed!; decided on the future four destinations ahead of me, for my Masters degree; burnt heavily on the chest area from sitting in the park too much; missed my brother's prom, but I'm gonna catch up with him in the summer; got disappointed with my individual project's marl, almost went back to my old violent ways, desperately scratching in my skin all the frustration from some silly percentages, when what is great about me is a sheet of paper away and its real, and no percentages can reflect on it.I also wrote for a website for journalism, i was invited and already produced an article on the politicians' madness and university fees :) And I have been eating again, determined to stay with this weight, and if lose d it the right way, as the summer is finally here and I want to enjoy every second of it, every breath of it, I want to forget the cold winter and the rainy spring....Its sunny summer and I'm 28 days away from home and sheer bliss :)) As a whole- great few days :))
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