After a Long Day I Know

Oh my oh my....
What a day...

Sometimes I am very very silly. Scared, upset for no reason, freakishly controlling every aspect of my life, constantly arranging and reasoning, from fear of actually feeling something genuine, which will shake my little world.

I promised something to someone, that I shall keep them safe, and I failed miserably. Worst of all, I allowed my own insecurities and troubled mind to poison our connection, to jeopardise the ties between us. I am very sorry.

I shall change. On hand my feelings will change me, I can no longer control them and under their influence a brand new heart is going to grow and replace the old tired one. On the other hand, I will change, I will choose to, I will close a door and open a million for you, all for you, to open and shut as you please. And I will trust you, because you are wonderful.

It's very late at night, after a turbulent day, after a break down, after regrets, after realising what I'm losing and what I need to fight for. If only I hadn't hidden you behind ugly memories and assumptions...if only your bright light had chased the darkness away sooner. But now I know.

There is only one song right now, only one melody, to describe how sorry I am and how I miss you.

Sunflower fields

Stare at the sun.

Sunflower fields,

Thousand little suns.

I am staring too.

An apple tree

And an apricot one,

Lips closed...

Snow and apple blossom falling,

White and clean

It will never melt away.

There is no East from Heaven.

Sow, grow, and cut the pain.

Fields of little burnt out suns,

Fields of transplanted sick flowers,

Fields of hungry loving hearts,

Sunflower fields, white spots.

Very basic translation of a beautiful Bulgarian song, Ostava "Polia ot slunchogledi (Sunflower Fields)". My words sound harsh as compared to the song. My actions and words seem harsh as compered to my feelings...tender,loving and full of regret....

No Time Apart

You tell a secret, and I tell a secret.
And we keep them both.
You take care of me, and I take care of you.
Its only natural.
You stumble in the dark, I stumble in the dark.
We light two candles to find the way.
You're not my mirror, I'm not your mirror
We are the other half.
You are scared, and I am scared,
I almost wan to run.
But if you say a word, then I'll say a word
And I would want to return.
It takes a silent moment
for me to make my mind.
It took you many years
to mend your broken heart.
And here we are today
On the edge of a dream.
It takes a bit of courage
To be happy.

No Way Out

Once again I'm losing my words. I am utterly confused in what is going on. Happiness is strange, I almost miss my lonely days, the one dimensional solitude.

Even with the new beginning I'm still lurking somewhere outside, unable to walk into my own warm home. Somebody else's pain and hurt pride is keeping me out like a straw dog, to face my guilty conscience.

And so I don't get mad because of the thoughts in my head, but I also stop writing this pretentious crap, I am going to use the words of someone more clever and original that me, and go back to my habit of quoting songs.

This time it is Queens Of The Stone Age- "Go With The Flow". In case you are wondering I feel like one of the toy soldiers. Falling in, falling out, falling ill.

Queens Of The Stone Age- "Go With The Flow"

She said "I'll throw myself away,

They're just photos after all"

I can't make you hang around.

I can't wash you off my skin.

Outside the frame, is what we're leaving out

You won't remember anyway

I can go with the flow

But don't say it doesn't matter anymore

I can go with the flow

Do you believe it in your head?

It's so safe to play along

Little soldiers in a row

Falling in and out of love

With something sweet to throw away.

But I want something good to die for

To make it beautiful to live.I want a new mistake,

lose is more than hesitate.

Do you believe it in your head?I can go with the flow

But don't say it doesn't matter anymore

I can go with the flow

Do you believe it in your head?

(lyrics by http://www.asklyrics.com/ )

(image by Googleimages)

Questions

How does it feel for you when you are with someone new?

For me it feels like taking for myself an unclaimed treasure. I can't believe my luck, I'm always waiting for someone to come and say that treasure belongs to them and not to me, I wonder how much time I have left with this treasure, so I eagerly try to take as much as I can, to kiss as much as I can, to hug as much as I can, while holding my breath from fear of losing the map.

How does it feel for you when you are with someone new and you don't know what's going to happen next?

For me it is the sensation of the two opposites. Because it's an either-either situation. The happiest story or the saddest one. And I don't get to decide. Instead, I stare from the window, trying to see good fortune messages in the trees and birds.

What do you do when you are with someone new and you lose a friend over it?

I question everything. I question the person from the mirror and the person from the written pages, or the spoken words. I question the person next to me in bed. I abandon myself trying to see the point of view of my friend, so I can hate myself on their behalf, so that justice can be restored. And end up being caged in my room.

What do you do when you are with someone new, losing a friend over it, not knowing what to do next and what to hope for?

I chain smoke and keep quiet. My whole body is waiting for time to pass. Electrical storm.

Liquid Days

Aaah, as much as I hate it I'm afraid that this is going to be another moody blog post, without any clear structure, or any clear idea, or even any clear emotion, for fuck sake; just my frustration and young naive...theories.

I need to complain....I am very young indeed, some days I think I am as unwise and as inexperienced as I have ever been, that the last few years of being on my own, "coping with life", have hardly taught me anything. These days I have been especially angry because of the uncertainty surrounding me, and I mean people. As a little girl I need an organised world. Small, clear, solid. And I all experience instead is change. People change their appearance, both outside and inside; they change their opinions; they change their thoughts, their intentions; break the vows, breach the boundaries, forget their promises; change their attitudes towards me...and worst of all-make me change as well.

I can possibly explain these "new" feelings of uncertainty with this particularly phony person that we all know about, although through them I got to see a new social phenomenon- getting yourself sorted, "becoming a better man", in less than two months...some people are fast. I can blame it on them, but it doesn't end here. Three times already I had to realise my expectations are not true, and will never happen. The first time- I thought someone was giving me signals to "jump and go", only to find out that they are safe in their little nest for two and have no intentions on moving on. The second time- someone I thought saw me and treated me as special really wanted a good customer in me. The third one- someone who I thought will be the answer of the never ending quest for human closeness and emotional detachment chose good old stinky love instead. Go figure out, for fuck sake. I guess I have to accept that nothing is solid, nothing is clear, everything flows and never remains the same. A pretty "safe" assumption to try and rebuild your life on, eh...

Anyway...I really don't want to go too much into my weird anti-social mood. Sometimes I'm lying in bed, thinking that if I ponder on my loneliness too much it will crush me. Instead, I need to take two seconds more and appreciate for a second everything I was given too. Wonderful supportive parents; cheeky but lovable brother; great friends; super cool housemates; exciting new year at uni; a whole lot of fresh plans for the future; and a lovely bunch of Level 1 and Level 2 and Level 3 peeps from uni :)) Hopefully MPM will be great this year, I really liked the new faces and have great hopes for them :) So finito, basta, end of the discussion. Life is still great, just people sometimes are more than I can handle. Wait until I grow up...

Gypsy Summer in Canterbury

I am looking at my blog archive and I realise I haven't written a lot these months. Part of the reason for that is that I was busy enjoying my perfect summer at home, and was way too overwhelmed with a whole variety of emotions, too complicated for the pages of my modest invisible diary :)) Also...well I came back in Canterbury and again was too busy with getting into messy relationships, smoking, reading about lobbying and European Union institutions and Human rights, spending time with my lovely new housemates in our big student house...and yet again my writing kind of remained back stage. But the truth is I love writing, I enjoy my little air notebook, in which I scribble my thoughts and feelings, and I will try and do it more :)) For some months...I was very much doubtful about the impact this blog has on my life and the life of others, and I realise there is such a difference! To me my blog means a lot, I share a lot of what is going on currently in my life on its pages, including very personal stuff like my break up with Matthew and my a bit random at times emotional experiences :)) So the impact on me is huge...sometimes I even think I am writing the things I should be really saying to people. To the others though...the impact seems minimal, my blog feels invisible metaphorically and not, so I was doubtful about the need of its existence...I guess every vain little person like myself want their blog to mean a lot more than perhaps it is, we suffer from a complex to affect the whole world's way of thinking :)) If only I would spend half of the time thinking about all this in actually writing.....

Oh well, nevermind! These days I am going to my roots and I am actually creating not one but two blogs in the same evening :)) I wanted to share with you where I was the last weekend, which, for those of you living in the South-East of England, was a lovely "gypsy summer" weekend, all warm and sunny, with nature longing for some more summer oblivion, and long and violet shadows creeping in between the leaves. So in these few gorgeous days I went to the "Euro Food Fest" in Canterbury, a gathering point of worldly cuisine, pottery and art craft again from around the world, and probably most of Canterbury's citizens, all enjoying cider and beef burgers on the grass :)) Me and my friend Hrisi enjoyed very much some Greek baklava, almost the way we eat it at home, and that triggered a whole lot pf pleasant memories...and bee attracting stickiness :)) As a whole it was a most enjoyable weekend, and in a late Sunday afternoon the city had one last surprise for me, for which you are about to read in a minute....

I love Canterbury for one simple reason- it it is full with interesting people you can have a nice talk with! :) This Sunday while I was waiting for my friend Zoe to finish her shopping I got to share a bench on a busy city square with an unfamiliar old lady. We started talking, old people are just so much nicer and friendlier than young ones :), and I soon spotted her exotic looking features and the quirky character that she sported. As I have observed many times, people with mixed origins usually have fascinating natures, they are much more charismatic and intriguing, maybe as the results of the various genes that shape their personalities. So that lady had 5 different nationalities in her blood! She was partially Chinese, Dutch, Indian, Portuguese and Guianish. She looked like she has been a stunning beauty when she was younger. So this very nice lady, I never got to learn her name, told me part of her fascinating story, which I liked so much I simply have to share it with you all :)) Apparently, her and her husband, who was English, met in British Guiana (South America). He came on a work trip to a sugar plantation, and they met on a blind date! :)) Soon after she followed him in England and created a family with him there. Blind date followed by marriage...and these days I believe in nothing even remotely romantic...Anyway, when she was pregnant with her first daughter, she asked God again and again that at least one of her children would have blue eyes. And her first daughter was born with sky blue eyes :) When she was pregnant with her second daughter, she asked God if at least one of her children would ave green eyes and the second daughter was born with piercing green eyes! And when she was pregnant with the third one she asked God if the child could have deep blue eyes and her third baby daughter had deep deep marine blue eyes, just like her mother wanted :)) It is a lovely little story, isn't it? :)

I hope you all enjoy the lovely gypsy summer that we have here, and find inspirational stories yourself on the streets of the wide world ;) xxx

A Little Fashion Story for a Great Woman

This will be another "different" post for me, but funnily, quite similar to many of the blogs I've recently read. It seems fashion blogs are really popular right now, maybe they have ever been, but frankly I have never been interested in them. I know hardly anything about fashion, my worldly fascinations continue to be in other spheres of life, like politics, music, culture and people, but talking about people...There is one supermodel of the world I really like, both as a professional and as a person, of course knowing her only from her two very popular TV shows "America's Next Top Model" and "The Tyra Banks' Show". Ever since I "discovered" her as an interesting person in the gossip colons and fashion magazines, and started watching ANTM as a provider of information for a completely different world than mine, I started liking Tyra for her genuine personality, for her seemingly effortless charm, and for the very well controlled and managed argumentative nature :)) These days I like her even more, she is beautiful, funny and natural, and without a doubt enters my "Women That I Think Are Fabulous" list. :D
Just today I saw this video that The New York Times Magazine made with her, about her life, career and experiences. I think its a lovely video, and unlike many of the supermodels, models and girls-wanting-to-be-models...Tyra makes me feel as if she and I are not from two different worlds, that indeed we are the same...except for her height...and inhuman like ability to "smise" :)) Miss Tyra Banks is a fabulous woman indeed :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aINaHOxZN_4&feature=fvst