"...Beauty need only be a whisper..."

Salma Hayek truly is inspirational. Not only her charm, warming and disarming; not only her old-fashioned warm and pure motherly nature; not only her acting skills...The greatest gift is a mystery behind the curtain, beauty is only a whisper.

Tonight I watched an old old movie with my friend Lovely Zoe ..."Desperado" yes, of course :) .... and I not only remembered why people like her so much (and Antonio,ai ai ai) but also why I am a particular fan of movie soundtracks. Zoe likes the melodic rock of Tito & Tarantula, and I simply adore Salma singing (is it her?) that slow song about love. I found a translation of the lyrics from Spanish, thanks to xDream666x and I just want to share it with you because its fantastic :)

Quedate Aqui

Stay here

In my arms

Stay here

For me

And don't tell me you love me

Don't tell me you adore me

Tell me only that you will stay

One life with me

Take me there

Take me in your anxiety to a place

Where it's not necessary to swear

Where it's not necessary to lie

Where I exist only for you

And don't ask me if I love you

Because you shouldn't worry about what I think

Because I am all yours in my way

But when I want to be your dream

I'm not satisfied with your kisses

I want to give you all of what I feel

And more than that.

15.09.2009 (First day of school in Bulgaria:)

This post is, I think, mainly about what I did today, maybe because currently my head is full with emotions over the brim and once more I find it difficult to put them in order. So there you go, I might as well write about what I've been up to and hope to read between the lines what's bugging me.

I heard something lovely today. My good friend Allan came up with the funniest suggestion about what afterlife might be like. As we were talking about the Pacific ocean and the huge underwater mountains and all the fascinating places we might never see, Allan said "Now wouldn't if be wonderful if after we die God would take us on a tour around the world and under the sea and show us all these amazing things?"My dear Allan, I wish it would be exactly like that for you and me and everyone and we all go on a trip under the world with God acting like a nice and funny tour guide :)) What you said really inspired me, and I'm starting to think that thoughts like these make you the great photographer that you are. Allan Gichigi is a photo journalist from Kenya, who was supposed to be present on the pages of my blog long ago, but due to my messiness this is the first time I talk about him. His photographs are really nice, but I can't really describe them, so check them out yourself. (http://www.allangichigi.com/demo/)

Unlike Allan, I'm not so composed and capable of producing inspirational thoughts. On the contrary, I am very much capable of creating messes and very funny situations. Today I was in Coffee and Corks with Lovely Zoe, Allan and (Posh) Fred and just when leaving, while saying goodbye to the bartender, I didn't see the big and obvious metal poll in the middle of the cafe and I walked straight into it!! Oh boy did everyone laugh! I have done this circus trick numerous times before-Ive walked into a street telephone cabin, polls, doors and chairs, corners of buildings and in one prominent case-in one of the coolest most famous cafes in Sofia, when I managed to not see a whole freaking building and walked straight into it!!! They did laugh at me for ages and I laughed too, but I know that silliness of mine will have severe consequences. The boy behind the bar,who I like,will never ever take me seriously ever again, and I will be nicknamed "That-Bulgarian-that-but headed-the poll" :))

At least it all happened in Coffee and Corks, and that is the loveliest place in Canters, people know me there and its almost like giving a private show in front of the family or something :) The corks is only the best coffee place around here, at least for me and for my friends. Its very laid back, full of interesting people and music and conversations, and always groups of students, doing everything from discussing politics to drawing anchors on their friends' arms...yup, that is what I have been doing these days :)) Check Coffee and Corks here: (http://www.facebook.com/search/?q=coffee+and+corks&init=quick#/pages/Canterbury-United-Kingdom/Coffee-and-Corks/78139729254?ref=search&sid=652849881.3173620034..1)

The Internet came to light our house these days! Right now I'm in bed writing and watching silly things on Youtube and I'm gradually feeling tired, even though I like blogging its not the best idea to do it so late, I'm starting to forget what I wanted to say! :)

But the following news coming from motherland cannot be forgotten, they are significant, they are essential, they are simply life changing :P After the last online conversation with mam and dad, I got to know that from the EU are worried that a revolutions might happen in Bulgaria hahaha :))) We have always been criticised for being too slow in dealing with corruption on the high levels and organised crime, failing to absorb the EU funds properly, and most of all too slow to promote reforms and end the process of transition we have been in for twenty two years now. After the recent change in government, the new in power are very keen on making a difference for their 4 years and fulfil the ambitious agenda they have set up for themselves. The EU reacted with mixed feelings about out presentation in Brussels on the last achievements and said they are concerned about too rapid of a change, which will overlooked the already achieved and destroy stability. They are right up to a point, but my peeps and I found it funny that they are never happy with us, no matter how hard we try. Not that I complain, that sort of critique is just what we need, and wait until Turkey is in the EU and all the negativity shifts to it ;)) (joking...kind of)

Anyway, I am not allowed to discuss politics for a week, as I didn't know that the current General Secretary of the UN is Ban-ki Moon, and I had the arrogance to argue about it, yes sir! :) And I'm tired anyway, I'm not even half funny as I want me to be. I'm going to bed, and something is telling me I'll be having dreams about colourful espresso cups and cold blooded girlfriends, and a certain blond and quiet Tesco guy.........nighty night ;)

Martin Shileds, it's a bitter story...

Very rarely in this blog so far have I allowed myself to be critical towards somebody or something, and I have tried to be as objective as possible. But this time something is choking me from the inside, and the feelings of hurt pride of another kind, identity and desire for justice are making me write this post, which is going to be different from everything I have written so far. The reason is the recent release from jail of Martin Shields, a Liverpool FC supporter, who was convicted with the attempt murder of the Bulgarian waiter Martin Georgiev. The football fan was supposed to stay in prison for 10 years, but overall did 4 years, before being pardoned from Her Majesty The Queen.

The first thing that really strikes me about the media coverage of this ugly story here in the UK are the numerous mistakes British journalists make when describing the events that took place in 2005. I have already given up the hope that many people will be knowledgeable of geography, even though its on their continent, so I'm not surprised almost nobody knows where Bulgaria is, where the sea side resort of Golden Sands is, where thew attempt murder happened; or know facts like there is no CCTV in Bulgaria, the same way there is in the UK, there are only hidden cameras outside private properties or big places like malls or supermarkets or the underground. However, as every other person relying on the media to provide information on the current affairs, I have a blind faith in what they say to be true and thus expect them to CHECK THEIR INFORMATION and will try to be objective and free themselves from sentiments, in the name of fucking truth and justice, if you like. So fa the information that I read is such a mish mash between reality and rumours, that no wonder so many British and European citizens have distorted visions of what happened, who is guilty and what evidence has been presented and retracted during the whole trial and the years after that. As a journalist wannabee I am so fucking disappointed that the media of this country which I hold to be more objective misleads its own people and leaves another 7 million with bitter taste in their mouths, because of the endless comments upon an attempt to do the job right.

And because this is criticism right? I can go into the whole thing of trying to prov who is wrong and who is right, but the truth is I can't, and that is another thing for which I depend on other people and I demand that they do their job well. On one side, these are the Bulgarian court and the Bulgarian forensic investigators, who are responsible for acquiring and processing evidence and witnesses, and coming up with a decision for the actions that need to follow. As a Bulgarian, who have lived in the country almost all her life, and who plans to give the best years of her life to, I am entitled to the right of critique, especially after that very system has already failed me and my fellow citizens many times already. I know its not perfect. But in this case, and I believe in what I say, and I am going to take the responsibility for my words, and may any Liverpool out there curse me and wish I'd be gone, the Bulgarians did their job. They actually did. That new evidence that has been presented to the British court has been unknown to them too, so don't blame it on the Bulgarians. Shields was convicted and judged under the laws of Republic of Bulgaria and he received a conviction in accordance with these rules. The pardon he was granted in England is not a judiciary decision, it is the sovereign right of a country to pardon its people, as in this case. I have no idea what kind of new evidence has been presented, I guess for an answer of my question I have to speak to Martin Shields himself. But this is not a game between courts, the Bulgarians made their decision, according to and based on evidence and witnesses,as in every other court around the world, that is why I have to trust they were right and believe that there is a solid reason for this decision. Because something is telling me that if the same decision was made by a court of an European nation, it would have been accepted easily, but because it is the Bulgarian one, this go-forsaken-post-communist state's court-all of a sudden there is such room for mistakes, despite the evidence.

But enough with that, I am getting so tired and disgusted with having to defend my country and having to tear myself between desire for justice and desire to accept that all people are innocent and it was all one huge mistake...even the long forgotten feeling of national pride is present, maybe I am spending too much time in England...

So I'm going to have my last critique, and it goes to all of us- for fuck sake, don't think it is alright to go to a foreign country and disrespect the laws, disrespect the customs, disrespect the people, and on top of that wait to get away with it. Bulgarian are no saints on Earth, we have our fair share in the disrespect, so have the British, so that is a warning for all. Because this post is not only for my biter feelings of anger and fear of misleading, its in not only abut critiquing the people not doing their job, or the people around the world who think its OK to get wasted and beat up a man in a gang. Its about sadness too, and I feel sad about the family of Martin Georgiev, who is going to bear the physical and emotional scar for life, for my fellow Bulgarians, who feel offended and once again thought of as stupid and savage, for the family of Martin Shields, who have gone through hell with their son and brother in jail and with silly people like me judging...and for Martin Shields himself, because he is only 22 and he is always going to bear the feeling of unreceived Justice with his name to his very death. This whole ugly story needs to be revealed, from both sides, so that nothing remains in the darkness and nothing remains unseen and unsaid. REVEAL THE STORY! READ MORE! THINK MORE! For fuck sake be reasonable....

I read a wonderful post about it on the page of Twohundredpercent, written by Ian, whoever wants may check it out here. (http://www.twohundredpercent.net/?p=1997)


*Nobody seems to care as much as I do, but I'll sake that, for the sake of my consciousness, and for the sake of being fair. If Martin Shileds was indeed innocent of committing the crime, then I feel very sad about him and wish him all the very best in his future life. Now lets see the new guy being taken to Bulgaria to face the judiciary system.

Bulgaria (and a bit of my dad:)

Gatwick North-Terminal 1 emotional variations (el pretendo)

Here I am blogging again after the long vacation. I am back in good old safe Canterbury for almost two weeks now and I found myself incapable of writing. I guess there was too much crazy emotional residue left in me, as well as a strong Bulgarian taste left in everything.

Bulgaria this time was great, though different. I realise it probably sounds peculiar of me to relate to homeland as a tourist destination...Don't get me wrong, I know where I come from and I have no intention on forgetting. But with the two years and a half spent abroad it became more that just home. Now the trip to Sofia no longer involves only bus-lain-bus-home! type of emotions. These days, with me spending no more than a month each time, it becomes but a journey to the self, as a quest to understand what I have been doing, thinking and feeling all these years. I stand behind this last pretentious sentence :P Maybe I should write my Bulgarian experience out of the way, and post some photos to stop your breath, so I can try and put my ram shackled emotional world back in order, as I need it right now, I do I do...

Its hard to start with a beginning, so I might as well start with the end. The end of my staying at home was all scandals, and rows, and bitter words, coming from fuck knows where, from some very dark and cold and forever deserted place in our hearts. I apologised to the people I hurt with my words, which is good, but something in my perfect little world, that I admit I have created through constant persistent exaggeration, broke...changed. I can't really go into details, but I'll share one thing....The perfect portrait is only a portrait. And the whole perfection thing?-bullshit. Let me tell you, for years I have forbidden my dear life characters to be imperfect. All the life hassle and drama I leave for my individual life here on the Island, where all is new and I can embark on emotionally exhausting adventures, provided I come home to a warm safe place. In that sense I created the perfect home, I maintained it, I exaggerated it, projected it, kept it vigorously from alien interference and hoped for the best, that we can remain like that forever. If you want, I did that silly Emil from Lioneberia move, not wanting to grow up...but events moved faster than my inner clock and here I am....understanding more and more, revealing one precious secret after the other, selling my dear characters on a weird flea-market, replacing them with new...I know all the above sounds like a cheap novel dream like experience, so Ill stop now :D In short....my views on family, friends, marriage and future have changed. Because I am a weird and boring character, constantly trying to restrain my jumbled thoughts into plans and schemes, I would like to present to you my new table of change in personal opinions over crucial components of one's emotional life: (hehe:)

family- Perfect in the imperfection, irritatingly lovable, still the biggest support and the greatest disappointment

marriage- Not about love, not about passion, about a conscious choice to improve your life, to make it solid and real, to make it normal and worth all the bloody efforts

friends- two years abroad should be enough to find your real ones; five is a small number but a great number; friends stories become important precedents and future references

future- biggest god damned mistery and pain in the ass one of a lifetime chance crap decision making process; endless source of fear and inspiration...quite pink after human closeness

In between the emotional trips with no destinations, I re-discovered how absolutely gorgeous my home is!! I know its cliche again,but seriously the few weeks I spent in the mountains and the seaside gave me back so much, because some silly emotional fragile and all-together cut off by reality people like myself need to feast themselves on nature's beauty and put specific meaning to it. If I'm not too lazy Ill post some amature photos of my home, so you can make funny noises and envy me for once, despite my Eastern- European breeding :P

And I can go into details about the social-economical-political situation in Motherland, but I believe only politics geeks like myself could find my blabbering about it even remotely interesting :) All I'm going to say is....that I actually can...and want most of the time to go back in two years time. I will have to write a political post about the Bulgarian reality on its own, as it is a huuuge topic. I'm open for suggestions on possible topics via the various channels of communication :P

Right now I'm in my favourite cafe in Canterbury, Coffee and Corks, and its getting way too noisy and full of weird people for my taste. Some kind of artistic stuff is going on and I am growing more and more conscious of the people peeping above my shoulder and all the weridnessness going on so Ill stop for tonight. Every beginning is difficult and so are the returns :) But I'm back...Writing again in my invisible self-masturbatory diary..... ;)

THERE WILL BE NO CHANGES MADE TO THIS BLOG!

I will remain as pretentious as I want.

:P

You are the past and we are the present (skin and colour)

Most of the things written in this blog come without any structure and plan, they don't follow one another. They simply reflect the chaotic way in which I think, the different emotions that cross my mind. And they usually come to me randomly, out of the blue. Like tonight, when I was supposed to finish my dissertation proposal and transcribe the last interview for the blog. Instead of this I watched "Save the last Dance", and that came like a frikking revelation, like something that has been boiling inside my brain for a while, but need the proper provocation in order to burst its way to freedom. No, I'm not talking about the movie itself, I'm not a film critic, and I don't really care how good or how bad it is, although I like the music and I love Julia Stiles. What I'm thinking about are the relationships people have with each other, and the million separations between them. Its all about how you perceive yourself and the others, and apparently...on which side you were born.

Now let me tell you something about the sides! I was born in a marginalised family to begin with, with both my parents being "different" from the rest of society, so I have never been taught to judge, or criticise, or marginalise, or have prejudices. And maybe that is playing me a bad joke now, because apparently the rest of the world is full of prejudices, and there are these spoken and unspoken of groups, and people want to belong on only one of them, and they want it so bad, that they find it difficult to communicate with the other groups, and inevitably the clash is waiting to happen.

I admit, before I came to the UK the notion about different races was never a big part of my life. Bulgaria is pretty small, pretty unpopular, pretty conservative and traditional, there are not a lot of black people around, certainly not born there, and I have to admit, shame on my homeland, they are not treated too well. Not that it is the case of an outrageous racism, although it does happen sometimes, like in every country around the world. The Bulgarians are nice and friendly people, they just have a problem with adjusting to new things I guess. I had to come to university abroad to experience a cultural shock and find myself surrounded by all these different people from different races, in order to loosen up a bit and broaden my horizon so so much! Now I not only feel perfectly comfortable around people with different ethnicity and nationality, not only do I enjoy their company immensely, but I'm also starting to think one step forward. I started being annoyed with the separations existing in society, in people themselves, those invisible barriers we find difficult to cross. Call me naive and gullible and whatever you want, but what I want is to be myself with people from other races, to like them and being liked back without any change being necessary. I don't want to be dictated by society, "we are all equal, but we cant really be friends, because we are so different". How fucking difficult are we, and is that the whole problem, or is there something wrong about the way we live next to and think about people? Is there something wrong with our damn society as well?!

I am going to follow the plot line of "Save the Last Dance", because that would make it easier for me to put in order the chaotic thoughts and emotions. So first came the neighbourhood. Now I'm not sure what to think about that. I have never been in any other neighbourhood, honestly, but my own in Sofia, and yes, it is very white, simply because we don't have a lot of people from other races! We have the Gypsies, who always live in their own neighbourhoods, but there the separation is mainly cultural/criminal/financial, not so much racial, at least in my opinion. So I have never seen a predominately black neighbourhood, and I have never been in a school, or any institution, where I have been a minority race wise. So when Sarah was walking through her new school, receiving all those looks, I kept wandering why, why do people see skin colour as such a barrier, such a major difference? Is it just the social and cultural connotations, or do we actually think that the skin colour really determines who and what we are?

I personally don't ever want to be thought about only as a person from a certain colour. I did not choose it, it came in my genes, so how can that be the main thing about me? If you connect skin colour to a social status, or to some stereotype, then you are up for a surprise, inequality these days is not about skin colour so much. If you think there are no poor, discriminated, let down white people, for example, you are wrong. It must be something else.

Is it possibly the clash of two cultures, where the one needs to conquer the other? I mean Sarah learning how to use "slamming", dance to hip-hop music, or sit and walk in a certain way. To be honest I felt quite stupid watching that. Instead of preaching equality, in the sense that not a change in posture and speech is needed, in order for people to mix well and be with each other normally. Its always the case of a certain culture having to be the dominant. It would be like me taking a Kenyan friend to Bulgaria for a visit, and teaching them how to walk, talk, nod, drink, eat,sleep, laugh, etc. the Bulgarian way. Hell no, there is no need for that, we should be all free to act our way, and no change should be necessary, unless we really want it!

For me personally its not about change at all. Its all about diversity and enrichment. I simply love talking to, and befriending people from very different cultures and different ethnicity. I don't change who I am and the way I sit in a chair, I simply know more and know how to do more! I would not give up me learning Dutch, or Swahili, or my beautiful Saree, but I also keep nodding the Bulgarian way, despite the rest of the world :)) Its not about change for me...its about diversity!

What I loved about the movie, is that despite the differences people claim to be rooted in skin colour and social background, these "different worlds", people still fins ways to each other, love and friendship. Since I started having many friends from many different races, nationalities and backgrounds, I started loving the possibility of me finding closeness and intimacy in any of them, and I also hope people from all these different places around the world, who I love so much, love me too, despite our skin colour being different. And this is a journey for me, because where I come from things are different, unfortunately. When I was leaving for university, education was the last thing on the mind of some of my relatives. My grandparents, especially the grandmas, gave me their blessings to go abroad, mainly to find an eligible man to marry and thus fulfil my purpose on Earth! The only guidance I received in relation to who I must choose, was to stick to French and Italian guys a.d stay away from the black ones! ( I am so sorry to anyone I am offending right now, but cut me some slag will you, I'm only being honest, and its not you who has to marry!) Right now I'm thinking...Sorry nanas but it bloody doesn't matter for me and for many other people anymore!! I find other races extremely attractive, yes in the bloody sexual way of course, and guess what, other things will be more important when I choose a partner, not the skin colour! (I don't really want to go into why I find guys from different race attractive, its been a while since I was in a relationship, this post my turn into something quite close to porn in the end so I'd better drop it :))

However, things don't seem to as simple as I want them to be. Again, following the plot of the movie, Chenille argues with Sarah, that there are two different worlds existing, that there is no point in mixing the "milk" and "chocolate", that white girls should stick to white guys and leave black guys to black girls. How about this-everybody should look for what they like and feel attracted to, and the skin colour be the last thing on their mind? There is one world, one world only that we all share, and I cant believe the skin colour prejudice is going to be so strong as to change your heart, even if you feel so very attracted to a person from a different colour. ( I know I would be upset if a nice guy does not ask me out just because my skin colour...and I would also hate to miss the chance because of my own fears and prejudices.) In that sense...sorry nanas, you are the past and we are the present!

Is it just me? I am not denying the fact, that racial discrimination still exists, in some places and societies it is a very serious notion indeed. Something is telling me that my visit to Nepal, for example, will not go without certain looks and comments; and also my friends from Nigeria, lets say, will get the same treatment. However, what I know for sure is that despite the world being a bad place, it is up to people to find a way to each other. And people never seize to surprise me, so I'm sure they will, in one way or another. I wish I could hear the views of many people of colour, whatever the colour, and many people who are from mixed backgrounds, because I do appreciate the fact that my ways are not everybody elses ways. Is it just me? I don't know for now...all I know s that for me skin colour is not a barrier, or I don't want it to be....All I see it as is a nice contrast when close to each other...and inner and outer diversity. Peace!