Geisha

Life has many faces. When you combine these faces with your own mental instability you end up with a whole variety of emotions, all of them strong, all of them tearing you apart. Plus, it is a well known fact that students are nut cases right before exams, so there you go, the spring juices already flow in my blood and I am as crazy and raging as possible :))

Life is good. Life is great, life can make your taste buds crazy with emotions and flavours, so intense you lose the solid ground under your feet :)) I love life with a passion, and in days like this I also feel loved. I did my presentation in Political Practise and Research this morning, it went brilliantly :)) The topic was my kind of topic (journalism and Fair Trade), I was confident and calm, and just the right amount enthusiastic ;) At that point I felt amazing, facing my sunny future, absolutely sure what I want to do with my life, and ready to start working upon it :)

Here is where I say a few words about journalism. After wanting to be a princess, archaeologist and vulcanologist (in that order:) I found myself thinking more and more about a career in journalism. I am not a stunning beauty, nor a sex bomb, nor the brightest academic around. But what I am for sure is funny and original, and most of all- I posses a BIG mouth :)) Somehow I end up talking a lot, more then necessary and sometimes that gets me in trouble. Also, despite trying to fight that side of me, as I believe it can be very destructive, I have a passion. For life, for my partner, for truth, for argument, for journalism, for altruistic politics- I have it. People pick on it, they use it as a negative thing, trying to put me down, make me feel inadequate, naive and shallow, a spoiled brat with an easy life, having a passion because she hasn't encountered anything bad and difficult. I think that's a load of rubbish, I have had my black days, but I keep them under cover and I roll with the passion :)) That's why I believe I can be good in journalism. My passion and my big mouth, my love for argument and research, as well as creativity, one day might earn my money :) I was always picked on for wanting to write and writing well. In secondary school I was a geek, In high school I was a pretentious geek. In uni..it pays to be a geek, but I'm still as pretentious as ever ;) I'm loving it though, honestly, one day this is going to be my signature trait - Ivanka Antova...or the gosh-how-cool-and-different-I-am report lol

Although journalism is my dream (aahh..), I am clever enough not to narrow my variety of choices, in the end of the day I want to have a good life (yes, fucking material good life, leave me alone!), I want to have a kid and provide for it, so I'm gonna work whatever pays the bills...at least until I am rich and I can be a freelancer...until then my blog is my white canvas :P

And another reason, why I have been fighting the dark moods of lover's misunderstanding and pre-exam stress...I am truly blessed! I rarely choose to talk about God...its a topic too broad and too heavy for my blog I believe, at least for now....However...I respect Him. I do and I know He chooses various places and ways to try and make me listen. The other day I was lying with my beau in bed, and I had my head under his arm, in a sort of warm and safe place...and there was music coming form the other room...and then it really hit me that this is extraordinary, that its a gift and I should enjoy it and cherish it....and appreciate it. And I told God straight forward in His face that I am happy. As happy as a nude savage on the beach, looking at at the blue water, munching a banana, being part of the whole blissful beauty :)) And He knows how to choose his place and time of spreading the wisdom! :) Currently I am watching "Celebrity Big Brother" in home Bulgaria, and it is full of freaks, the usual sort of people you can find in these programmes, but the cause made me realise how good I have it, and how stupid I am to try and look for reasons to make myself miserable. This year the show is fundraising money for children with different disabilities and severe sicknesses. Currently they have raised more then 1 000 000 levs (our currency, £1=2.3 levs) which is amazing! :) It was a group of blind children that made me realise how pathetic I am, and how unbelievably lucky,blessed and...lucky! I am!! Both my parents have disabilities.... however, they are both brilliant, much wiser and stronger then me, and I have never known them in any other way, so for me they feel complete. I know in details what they have been through, but only after seeing the kids, listening to theirs stories, seeing their spirit, will to live and fight, that sheer happiness and joy from life, which I transform in my messed up head in ugly moodiness, I realised.....the people I have in my life and around me are undiscovered jewels and I should look up to them and stop looking for excuses for being miserable :))

Easily said than done....

These days the storms are still here, no matter how hard I try to push them away and feel the happiness, feel strong in myself again... But the same old things continue, someone feels not good enough, someone feels pressured, someone says he wants to stay and acts as if he wants to run, someone ties me down with sweet and sensitive gestures, makes the fire turn into explosion, and then leaves me in wrecks with a single word, with a single look, leaving me to my worries while marching the streets with other people...with that other girl. I am tired of my own silence,of the rule of "I'm always OK, I only cry in secret" and one of these days I am going to scream my pain out, I'm gonna gamble and come out of my own fucking closet...I need more, I'm not OK, I need to be safe.

Depeche, good old timeless Depeche Mode said it once, words are meaningless and forgettable...I want silence, I need proven claims....Loving is not saying it.....It fucking making the other person know it so well it hurts them with joy. But am I following my own rules....do I show my love? This will be in next time, when the exam demons release me and I can get to write sensible things again. (this post is rubbish, I apologise). In case I'm not...just let me go.

I am like the flowers on my window....I am beautiful and innocent and spreading my cheerfulness....But the idea behind me, the bitter taste I leave, and the tears on the leafs are also there..a secret.

"She paints her face to hide her face.

Her eyes are deep water.

She dances. She sings.She entertains you.

Whatever you want.

The rest is shadows.

The rest is secrets."

("Memoirs of a Geisha")

I am Geisha.