Vreme Razdelno

Today I finished my last exam. All the academic stress is over and done with, now the only thing I need to do is think about my dissertation for next year and wait for my grades. Reading the previous sentence I realise I am not ready to let go, I am still looking for work to be done, as if the last few frantic months and the never ending dead line process have become my second nature :) Not really, as every self-respecting student i need only a few days to remember the bliss of the student summer and forget everything I learned the past year :P

This Friday is the last MPM event, I am so excited about it!! I have been thinking about the importance of the topic, tuition fees in university; the impact we are hoping it is going to make among the students; the little joys of organising it and worrying about it :)) I am often very harsh on myself, thought rarely admitting it (why here and now), and I often feel useless and stagnant, but being the chair of MPM makes me feel a little significant and fulfills my days to a great extent. Yes, I am a sad geek, what's your problem! Also, on the last event of the year I am going to chair the debate, so I am as excited as ever :)) Obviously, these are going to be my little 15 minutes of fame, when I will be standing in front of the audience, next to the speakers, participating....wow, I get butterflies in my tummy as if I'm in love :D No matter how sad and pretentious that is, MPM gave me something I want to do for life, in one way or another I want to participate in debates, organise events, write about them.....live them again and again in my own private time... geek power :P

I have to say, I am quite pleasantly surprised by my rather jolly mood. Its not only the stress, the rapidly growing homesickness, the gap left in my day with no uni work :P....looking back on my previous posts I realise in the last few months a powerful battle has been going on, so....strangely described in my writings. I have been trying to fit in a relationship, discover my place in it and understand for myself what it is like to commit to someone, and expect the same thing back....

Well, it didn't work :) I am writing in the eve of our last date, I believe, I am deeply convinced that tomorrow we are going to brake up, follow our completely different roads. I am so deeply convinced, I already cried my tears, went through the whole process of reassuring myself that nothing is over and I am still to find love and happiness, you know all that crap, I have been a walking stereotype all day, covered in chocolate chip cookies, tears and fluffy toys....I can gag with myself :)) So tonight, writing these lines, I am quite calm indeed, just waiting for the inevitable, desperately trying not to act as if I am 13 all over again, but put reason before emotions and just...stay bloody positive :D

So what most of the time things were not happening according to my plan. So what many times I was nothing but an observer, a total pushover. So what he suddenly went cold on me, however torturing me to tears, not letting me go, giving me false hopes that it all will be fine in the end. So what I probably bored him to death, suffocated him with my all consuming emotions, tried to keep him for me, making plans, building future....Yes, I am bitter, but the last seven months have not been in vain, I realised I can fall in love and I can perfectly commit to one man and try and make him happy, being happy too. It just didn't work out this time, but this is not the end.

I even packed his things and I am going to give them to him tomorrow, along with his little silver heart. I will throw away all the cards, erase all the messages, all the pictures, him from my friend lists, not from my thoughts....I will miss his warmth in the bed in the middle of the night, his heavy cuddle, the feeling of bliss and security waking me up, even his silly jokes and lovely smell.....if I am going to cry it will be in the middle of the night. I'll keep Bulgbarian, the fluffy dog/bear....and I'll hug him as if my life depended on him.

In my favourite Bulgarian book about the Ottoman slavery in my country it is said that a time of separation has come, all will have to chose whether to go to the left or to the right. And no one shell remain in the middle. Vreme razdelno. Just like that tomorrow I'll choose my path and soon....move on.

Summer is coming :))