Yesterday I was afraid to go back to my little stuffy room, I was afraid of the ways of keeping myself away from the break up I was going to come up with, I am known for my destructive nature in difficult times, and I already burned the table, scratched the wall, spilled sweet apricot juice on the night stand and I never cleaned it....and all this was done in very good times indeed, I can only imagine the damage on the room if I'm upset :D
And I am upset. It is difficult to accept that a good thing has come to an end, because despite all the arguments, and all the negative emotions I am reading about in my previous posts, witch by the way in the perspective of a lonely summer I seem to have quickly forgotten, despite all that I was still shocked, I still found it so difficult to just stop being in love. It felt like I have been running until now, and all of a sudden he pressed the stop button and I stopped, but everything around me continued to move in a slow motion, surrounding me in a never ending chaos.
Alright, it wasn't really that dramatic :D Ironically, it was a perfect warm and sunny summer day, a day when people go to the beach and eat ice cream, not when the break up, but you can't really choose the weather can you...if I could I would have gone for a mini tornado :P
It was so strange, so strange...I was ready, I knew what was going to happen, but my brain refused to accept the inevitable, I was looking for signs that it has been only my imagination, that we are still good, but no....I am so sorry he has been torturing himself with me for so long, I wish I had given him his freedom long time ago, because now I am in a pickle, a really sour one...
I wont be describing the reasons why we parted here, I might leave them for the girly evenings with my friends, because they will ask me for sure and in their loving presence I am going to crack up and cry my eyes out..again :)) I so didn't want to cry yesterday, but I just couldn't help it. I will describe to you only my feelings and a few funny facts, as usual :) I cant understand why even when feeling a strong emotion I still think about the little details. When we were having that heavy conversation about separating, there were a few tourists on the bridge, taking pictures of the park, and we were definitely in the shot. I imagine them to be Japanese tourists, who in a few weeks time will be in Tokyo, in their apartment in a high modern building, looking at the green pictures from rural England, so different from their home, looking at the pretty park, at the meticulously cut grass and the arranged flower beds....and at the two little figures in the right corner, one of them getting her heart broken. Funny how much mystery a picture brings, in all its little details. I hope they lock this moment in a pretty picture box with pink lace framing it...it sounds so romantic a last place for this document of change.
Another funny fact-people are so embarrassed and scared by tears...Although I was trying my best not to cry, while making my way through town foolishly my eyes were filled with tears and there was no one single person, who didn't look away, as if embarrassed that another person is feeling sorrow. Oh well...what was I expecting, someone good natured to say something good naturely and erase all bad thoughts? I would have done the same, look away, leave people to their privacy...or even worse, approach them and make them tell me all about it, so I can write about their pain in my invisible notebook and create magical stories :))
Why was I so distressed?? I was prepared, I had felt so unhappy so many times, in the last few weeks my cold feet returned, making me think that trusting someone to this level is insane...And still yesterday was a slap in my face. I think I am afraid of my biggest fear itself- being alone. I have waited for so long before this relationship, so long even my closest friends started commenting upon my solitary ways, but no one knows what was happening in my head, how much I hated these endless months of being on my own, unable to deal with my doubting nature and dare flirt :)) I'm dreading the old comments, the mighty feeling of patheticness every time my friends joke about setting me up, in order to put an end to my monk period, and the even scarier thought of that being my only chance of some saucy fun times :)) But the hell with it, maybe this time I will overcome my shy nature and have a fantastic full of randomness summer :P I just hope my return home will not be dulled by all this.When I was 12 I believe, my parents sent me to my first ski camp, where I met a local boy and I danced my first slow dance ever :)) Naturally, my teenage emotions went wild, and after two weeks in the mountain I came back home, crying my eyes out, claiming that my life was over, haha :D I remember I didn't pay any attention to my parents and my mother got very offended, I was so rude...I am all grown up now and I promise I will cherish every second spent with my family, as they have been so sweet to me, feeling this early love disappointment as if their own :) And I am going to be all smiles and cheerfulness at the airport, despite them waiting for two people this time, and seeing just me and my old blue suitcase...ah bless, even thinking about them makes me feel light in my heart again :))
And all this must come to me as a wake up call, all good things have a beginning and an end, and placing someone else in the central place of ones life is not a good idea. Unless I see a little gold ring with some pretty diamonds on my left hand :P I am determined to make the most of my summer, enjoy myself, delight in the little harmless summer flirts, and keep myself away from the possible dark truth- I am still in love and there is nothing I can do.
Ans summer has come, and it is all around me. Different summer, yet mine.
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