My blog the anti-mask

I went to Dover today, to see a friend act in a play, called "Rent". I'll maybe talk about the play later.

I had a weird day, such a weird, bi-polar day, a day of a hundred emotions. I was haunted by something through out most of it, my thoughts were not where my body was, but constantly crossing the Channel, through the flat fields of the West, to the mountains of the Balkans, to Sofia, to my block, to my bed. My past. I guess I can try and put the emotions in order, not because I care whether you are going to read them, but because I might save what's left by understanding what's haunting me, what the fuck is my problem....

To begin with, I grew up to hate chaos. The two years spent abroad, the stress of the fact that I'm by myself, constantly lurking in the background, made me love order, made me love planning. Fine, I lost some of my adventure spirit, but fuck it, how much more adventurous can my life be, it lacks the stability, not the adventure. Anyway, today was a day without a plan, without a clear vision of what is happening, without structure, without any fucking sense of order!! Some years ago, I used to go to school in Sofia in a class, where we were all going out together. I never managed to develop a proper friendship relationship with anyone, these days I don't keep in touch with any of them. So many times I felt as if I don't have a place among these people, I'm not choosing to be with them, i am simply walking after them, wanting to belong somewhere, lurking in the back, without the strength to leave and chose my direction. I felt just like that today, not knowing where I am going, and not belonging. That made me angry and I solemnly promised to myself that the next time I feel like that I am just going to walk away.

In between feeling without a direction, there was a person...who I love without any limits, without one bloody safety net, as recklessly and as brain-numbingly as I possibly can. It is not fair to write about him here, so accept that I'm in love and its not easy.

Lately I discovered a new ugly and dark side of my character, and that is my jealousy. The reasons for it are vague, very unclear, I'm not even attempting to think about them. I'm just going to share here the feelings I felt today, which haunt me constantly.


Jealousy is a cancer

eating the soft tissue of my heart.

Quietly, mercilessly,

in the back of the car.

I'm praying for an accident, for a crash.

I want to jump off the car, run back.

Or wait until we are in Dover

so I can cross the strap of sea,

go back to my past.

That's how it should be.

I know I am a pretentious cunt, leave me alone.

This is going to kill me. I constantly find myself too deep in love, destroying my safety, giving myself away and exposing myself completely. So I try to pull back, retreat in my quiet safe place, the Rock on the Top of the World, and win myself back. And I end up constantly fighting with myself, wanting to love without boundaries and worrying about the consequences.

I know I scare him. I know I do.

I cant write anymore tonight, whenever I have strong emotions chocking me I am never able to express them, i am perfect in talking about the surface, but the deep waters of my conscience scare me, I can't face my own dark demons. I'm leaving my invisible notebook, my secret diary, which nobody reads, my own private shrink, the only place where I try to say the truth.

The pictures are from Dover.