Easter was brilliant this year!! :)) last year, it was Christmas which proved to be problematic. I spent it in Wales, everything was new for me, and I was lucky to meet some lovely people and had an amazing time. This year I spent the holiday with my boyfriend's family and again I was so pleasantly surprised by how things seem to fall in the right place, despite all the anxiety.
Speaking of anxiety.....I really don't like to compete. Seriously, I hate it, it makes me feel nervous, underachieving all the time, not good enough. I love working on my own, with my own tempo, without the pressure of being compared to someone else. This year of university was marked my competition more than by anything else. One of the extra -curricular activities I am involved with, one that I love dearly and I see as my own baby in a way, more then anything made me rethink my opinion about competition. It kills me. Finally I realise why my dream has always been being a travelling journalist, moving from place to place, working in peaceful solitude, not staying long enough to compete with someone. And it's funny, because this is the most unlikely course of events for me, years and years will pass before I am able to work on my own, I wonder how many competitions I'll have to go through...Is life one giant never ending competition?
And another thought...I believe I am the only one competing actually. Maybe all the people around me are just living their lives, and me as usual is over-observing, and over-analytic, re-thinking every detail, creating one twisted competition, where I can actually pretend I'm not competing with myself...A simple example-whenever I get jealous of my boyfriend, in a way I compete with that other person, in my own head, without them knowing, and I am a different person. With cold logic I measure everything, I put in on the scale, I compare weaknesses and qualities, and then without passion, like a robot, decide who's better. If it's me.....go back to sleep next to my boy. If it's her...the competition in my mind is on. I am the silent competitor, the one no one even knows about, and at the same time the most competitive and desperate to win. Sad sad person, eh.... :))
It is Easter in the end of the day, I should really be more positive. So what, a little competition never hurt anyone. At least it motivates me to do my work better, right? :) Maybe this is me not accepting my uniqueness, wanting to be just like everyone else, instead of doing my own thing. Or my guilt that I'm not working hard enough...who know. Bloody students, and their dramas, especially those foreigners, don't get me started on those Bulgarians... ;)
Second post...the anonymous writing continues....My "I-want-to-be-listened-read-or-whatever-by-whoever" extravaganza. Gosh.... :))
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