New sunshine

I am determined to leave all the dramatic bullshit behind and get back to my usual happy cheerful self, finish my uni year and concentrate on the long sunny summer days ahead me :))

Today we finished a conversation, my dearest person and me, and I am not going to bring it up again, it is possible to control you memories, push them in the very back of your mind, keep them there and face life as if nothing never happened. I come across as a wee silly girl, but the depths of my emotions are scary, I can erase an experience as easy as create a brand new, shiny one.

Aaaanyway...no more pseudo-drama-oh-poor-me-bullshit :))

The song of the week, and I don't fucking care what people think of me after that revelation :))

CHOCOLATE - Kylie Minogue

Fragile, seems I opened up to quick and all my dreams were woken up

I slowly lost my fight

with every single man a river cried

I had no sensation, completely numb I felt no satisfaction

I thought no one could ever get me high again

I swear I was not looking

I've waited so long,

I thought the real thing was a fake, I thought it was a tool to break me down

you prove me wrong again

If love were liquid it would drown me in a placeless place refine me,

in a heart shape come around me and then melt me slowly down

if love were human it would know me in a lost space come and show me,

hold me and control me and then melt me slowly down,

like chocolate

Tastes so good my hearts been mended, who'd have thought it would?

an empty bed and still I won the catch, a man who I love and who loves me back

I've waited so long for love to heal me, so I'd feel it, thought it wasn't real and then you came

you prove me wrong again

If love were liquid it would drown me in a placeless place refine me,

in a heart shape come around me and then melt me slowly down

if love were human it would know me in a lost space come and show me,

hold me and control me and then melt me slowly down,

like chocolate

Come here, zoom in, catch the smile

there's no doubt it's for you and I'm addicted tonight

Just one look boy to mellow it out

just one heart here to save me now

your candy kisses are sweet I know

hold me tight baby, don't let go

I am still not following any blog and I haven't told anyone about mine, because so far its just...weird :)) Who the hell...honestly! ... would spend time reading someone else's drama?! But then again....we all watch Big Brother :))

Still only remnants

This one is mine, won't translate it.

Ubivash me bavno

s vsqka duma,koqto ne chuvam.

Ti6inata v tazi staq

e kato burq.

Az ne smeq

dori da pogledna v tvoq posoka.

Bavno,

na voda se prevru6tam.

Izticham

i ne se vru6tam.

Another day of not being happy. When am I going to get over it, stop feeling suffocated and chased. Ivanka is happy, Ivanka is sweet, Ivanka is cheerful, Ivanka is never mad, and never sad, Ivanka laughs life's shit away, Ivanka is here to stay. I grew to hate myself.
These days nothing but storms, clouds and thunder, and me feeling lost. Whoever said love is happiness, has never been in love. Karbovski said it, love is a bitch, eating your head at night. Love is my biggest fear these days.
The questions to answer are: Do I need to change my ways? Can I love not a 100% ? Why the fuck am I obsessing with love so much?!
I found the lyrics by accident, after watching "Trainspotting". The 10,11,12,13th lines are my favourite.

New Order- Temptation

Oh, you've got green eyes
Oh, you've got blue eyes
Oh, you've got grey eyes
And I've never seen anyone quite like you before
No, I've never met anyone quite like you before
Heaven, a gateway, a hope
Just like a feeling I need, it's no joke
And though it hurts me to see you this way
Betrayed by words, I'd never heard, too hard to say
Up, down, turn around
Please don't let me hit the ground
Tonight I think I'll walk alone
I'll find my soul as I go home
Each way I turn, I know I'll always try
To break this circle that's been placed around me
From time to time, I find I've lost some need
That was urgent to myself, I do believe
Oh, you've got green eyes
Oh, you've got blue eyes
Oh, you've got grey eyes
And I've never seen anyone quite like you before
No, I've never met anyone quite like you before
Bolts from above hurt the people down below
People in this world, we have no place to go
Oh, it's the last time
Oh, I've never met anyone quite like you before
Oh no, I've never met anyone quite like you before

My blog the anti-mask

I went to Dover today, to see a friend act in a play, called "Rent". I'll maybe talk about the play later.

I had a weird day, such a weird, bi-polar day, a day of a hundred emotions. I was haunted by something through out most of it, my thoughts were not where my body was, but constantly crossing the Channel, through the flat fields of the West, to the mountains of the Balkans, to Sofia, to my block, to my bed. My past. I guess I can try and put the emotions in order, not because I care whether you are going to read them, but because I might save what's left by understanding what's haunting me, what the fuck is my problem....

To begin with, I grew up to hate chaos. The two years spent abroad, the stress of the fact that I'm by myself, constantly lurking in the background, made me love order, made me love planning. Fine, I lost some of my adventure spirit, but fuck it, how much more adventurous can my life be, it lacks the stability, not the adventure. Anyway, today was a day without a plan, without a clear vision of what is happening, without structure, without any fucking sense of order!! Some years ago, I used to go to school in Sofia in a class, where we were all going out together. I never managed to develop a proper friendship relationship with anyone, these days I don't keep in touch with any of them. So many times I felt as if I don't have a place among these people, I'm not choosing to be with them, i am simply walking after them, wanting to belong somewhere, lurking in the back, without the strength to leave and chose my direction. I felt just like that today, not knowing where I am going, and not belonging. That made me angry and I solemnly promised to myself that the next time I feel like that I am just going to walk away.

In between feeling without a direction, there was a person...who I love without any limits, without one bloody safety net, as recklessly and as brain-numbingly as I possibly can. It is not fair to write about him here, so accept that I'm in love and its not easy.

Lately I discovered a new ugly and dark side of my character, and that is my jealousy. The reasons for it are vague, very unclear, I'm not even attempting to think about them. I'm just going to share here the feelings I felt today, which haunt me constantly.


Jealousy is a cancer

eating the soft tissue of my heart.

Quietly, mercilessly,

in the back of the car.

I'm praying for an accident, for a crash.

I want to jump off the car, run back.

Or wait until we are in Dover

so I can cross the strap of sea,

go back to my past.

That's how it should be.

I know I am a pretentious cunt, leave me alone.

This is going to kill me. I constantly find myself too deep in love, destroying my safety, giving myself away and exposing myself completely. So I try to pull back, retreat in my quiet safe place, the Rock on the Top of the World, and win myself back. And I end up constantly fighting with myself, wanting to love without boundaries and worrying about the consequences.

I know I scare him. I know I do.

I cant write anymore tonight, whenever I have strong emotions chocking me I am never able to express them, i am perfect in talking about the surface, but the deep waters of my conscience scare me, I can't face my own dark demons. I'm leaving my invisible notebook, my secret diary, which nobody reads, my own private shrink, the only place where I try to say the truth.

The pictures are from Dover.

After Easter thoughts (why not so cheerful)

Easter was brilliant this year!! :)) last year, it was Christmas which proved to be problematic. I spent it in Wales, everything was new for me, and I was lucky to meet some lovely people and had an amazing time. This year I spent the holiday with my boyfriend's family and again I was so pleasantly surprised by how things seem to fall in the right place, despite all the anxiety.

Speaking of anxiety.....I really don't like to compete. Seriously, I hate it, it makes me feel nervous, underachieving all the time, not good enough. I love working on my own, with my own tempo, without the pressure of being compared to someone else. This year of university was marked my competition more than by anything else. One of the extra -curricular activities I am involved with, one that I love dearly and I see as my own baby in a way, more then anything made me rethink my opinion about competition. It kills me. Finally I realise why my dream has always been being a travelling journalist, moving from place to place, working in peaceful solitude, not staying long enough to compete with someone. And it's funny, because this is the most unlikely course of events for me, years and years will pass before I am able to work on my own, I wonder how many competitions I'll have to go through...Is life one giant never ending competition?

And another thought...I believe I am the only one competing actually. Maybe all the people around me are just living their lives, and me as usual is over-observing, and over-analytic, re-thinking every detail, creating one twisted competition, where I can actually pretend I'm not competing with myself...A simple example-whenever I get jealous of my boyfriend, in a way I compete with that other person, in my own head, without them knowing, and I am a different person. With cold logic I measure everything, I put in on the scale, I compare weaknesses and qualities, and then without passion, like a robot, decide who's better. If it's me.....go back to sleep next to my boy. If it's her...the competition in my mind is on. I am the silent competitor, the one no one even knows about, and at the same time the most competitive and desperate to win. Sad sad person, eh.... :))

It is Easter in the end of the day, I should really be more positive. So what, a little competition never hurt anyone. At least it motivates me to do my work better, right? :) Maybe this is me not accepting my uniqueness, wanting to be just like everyone else, instead of doing my own thing. Or my guilt that I'm not working hard enough...who know. Bloody students, and their dramas, especially those foreigners, don't get me started on those Bulgarians... ;)

Second post...the anonymous writing continues....My "I-want-to-be-listened-read-or-whatever-by-whoever" extravaganza. Gosh.... :))

The blog my shrink

This Easter I won't be going home to sunny Bulgaria, due to too many essays and not enough money. As an international student I had to get used to spending all the family holidays away, that is why I don't understand why I find it so difficult to be here on my own this Easter. You would think it gets easier, but really it doesn't. And I am in the UK for almost two years already. Oh well :)

Anyway, I had to come up with ways of entertaining myself, and this blog is part of my new routine! When my boyfriend is working everyday, and my friends are away on holidays, and there are no more noisy messy drinking nights here in vibrant Canterbury, all I am left with is my thoughts and this anonymous blog to share them with whoever is reading.

I have always wanted to have a blog. As I recently found out, it is the cutting edge of politics these days apparently! :) And it will be a good way for me to deal with my "artistic" shyness. I bet everyone suffers from it, when you feel like you have plenty of things to say, and some of them are even good!, but somehow you end up forgetting them in the back of your mind and they never see day light. It is either shyness, or a case of extreme laziness! :) Whatever it is, I am going to put an end to it and start writing, tonight, Easter-eve!

Tomorrow I am going to my boyfriend's house, to spend Easter with his family, how lovely! :) I am curious to see how an ordinary British family celebrates the holiday, and and compare it to the Bulgarian frantic way of celebration :)) At home, we boil eggs, we colour them, always starting with a red, in order to bring health, luck and prosperity to the whole house. Then we sit at the table, and the fun part really begins :) We knock the eggs in each other, competing against each other for the strongest egg. Whoever knocks out all the others' eggs is the winner, and is going to be especially lucky through out the whole year. Aah..gotta love those weird Orthodox traditions :) I don't care if they sound weird, I love them and they bring the comforting feeling that some things never change, no matter how much life evolves. I bet there will be no knocking of eggs on the table tomorrow :)

A friend of mine from uni called me the biggest nationalist he has ever met. I strongly disagree, of course, how am I a nationalist?! :) It's just that these days I can't help it but think about my culture more, remember where I come from, that must be important in life, right? I'm guessing even from this first post that there is going to be a lot about Bulgaria and the Balkans in my blog :))

While reading what I've written so far, I realise how chaotic this all sounds. I've read other blogs and in a way they resemble a diary of the person's day, so I'll try and give a neat account of what I did today, at least the interesting bits, but.....who the hell will be interested in that?! Oh well..... ;)

I am currently doing a project on Fair Trade lifestyle as a journalist-wannabe, and I did my second interview today! :) Much better then the first one, with the manager of Oxfam store in Canterbury, all recorded on a dictaphone, with a prepared set of questions, all organised and neat, looking almost professional! I know I'm an uber geek, but every time I do an interview, or some research connected with my project, I feel this butterfly feeling in my stomach, as I realise that is what I want to do for life!! I discovered myself as a journalist -wannabe many years ago, and I'm still chasing after my dream. I even went into studying politics, in order to have a better understanding of how society works, so one day I can write about it. Today was really about me getting very very close to my dream, making and booking interviews, writing notes down, researching.....exciting! All the geeks out there understand me! :))

The other interesting thing I did today was spending the day on the streets of Canterbury, which in the sun and the new green everywhere is the loveliest and most interesting place on Earth :) Today it was full of music, fabulous freaks, artists of different kind, charity workers, and people people people! I love big crowds, because I can be an anonymous stalker, linger between the strangers, listen to what they are talking about, walk with them for a while, pretend I know them and I'm part of their group...I love people, they are the most interesting thing ever! I spent hours today just sitting on High Street, drinking a vanilla smoothie and watching all the people around me, soaking up the sun...life is good! :)

And in the end I watched "Britain's Got Talent" and as usual I cried when the most random people surprise you. I mean the old quirky looking lady, who wanted to be a singer, and everyone in the audience thought she is a total loser, because she was so randomly looking, but when she sang "I have a dream" all of them were on their feet, cheering! :) I sobbed like a frikking baby on the sofa.....love it when people surprise me with their endless depth and variety.

Well that is it really. It was a rather long post for a beginning. I still have the feeling I am writing in the air with invisible ink, who the hell is going to read that?! But it did make me feel better and I think I will continue :)
The idea matters after all ;) xx