I'm gonna write about the power of sources, the power of friends, the power of self persuasion, and the power of the new beginning.
To begin with, yeeii, recently I registered with a website for journalism, where people from all around the world report from their areas and write about different topics. I am quite excited about it, not only because I was invited (yesss, how vain of me :P), but also because there are my favourite two categories- politics and my story. Yes, the vain theme continues!! :D I know it is only a beginning, but even the smallest opportunity of writing about politics makes me happy :) So I'm going to try my best and write some interesting things there, might post the link to them here once I feel comfortable with them, haha :D As now I know people actually read what I right, it makes that much more self-comprehensive. Anyway, i already started thinking about possible topics and suddenly I realise the importance of sources. In some years to come, when I try it in the real world of politics, where the hell am I gonna get my stories from? Sources are important, knowledge is importnat...yeah...Yeah, I'm not sure why I started with the power of sources, it might be because I don't want to write another post only about me and my stupid dramas. It comes out as if I have nothing else to talk about, which is not true of course, it just happens to be that at this point....other feelings dominate my days.
The power of friends, thank the Lord!, is one of these emotions. Love my friends, love to bits, and I am incredibly thankful to them for being strong lol :D And keeping me out of trouble. Their power is incredible. One sudden visit at home in the morning makes the whole day special. A few hours spent in walking around the high street keep my troubled brain from all the grief lately. One single word of approval makes a whole confidence raise after being stepped on. Friends power is the strongest one, and their will to help out in a bad moment is all unbeatable. Thank you all, you are fantastic, and that moment is nothing compared to what will inevitably come in life, how can I not be confident when you are around :) xxx
And I haven't been all that confident lately, all of a sudden I lost some ground under my feet. As a typical girl, minus the make-up skills, the high heel skills, and the fashion knowledge, I did spent tedious hours going over everything I have said or done, thinking and re-thinking every little detail, slowly persuading myself that there is something fundamentally wrong about myself, something chasing people away and spoiling things for me. Hell no!!! I didn't spend all these years trying to grow up once and for all and stop being so dramatic, so that once single slip up can make me go all the way back. This time, the power of self-persuasion is going to be in the opposite direction. I'm going to make myself as sure as possible, that this time I didnt mess up, this time I tried my best, and it was someone else trying to play mind games and honestly! acting like a baby!! So there you go, I am going to persuade myself so successfully, that its going to become my second nature. I used to think handling well a break up is a sign of growing up, you know, putting reason before emotion and not becoming suicidal. After all this, I'm starting to think what you do after the break up is the real growing up, the confidence you need to find in yourself, and the will to move on, that no one can give you, so that you can have all the new wonderful beginning coming ahead in life! :) Bring on the summer!!
Talking about new beginnings...aren't they great? :D Today I managed to congratulate my dear friend Em's boss on recently becoming a father to the lovely, and big apparently!, baby boy Gabriel, oh yeeiii :)) They are not even close to me, I hardly know them to be honest, but him and his wife are a lovely couple and great people, and funnily their little baby made me so happy too! How can things be bad when little babies come to the world,and show to everyone things simply go on!! :D You go baby Gabriel, and you better rock this world, and you are going to, because you have parents that love you and you will have cool friends when you grow up!...who now are babies...cute and little..and chubby with their baby fat...gosh I want one!! lol
Aaaanyway...while writing all this I thought about another power so important to me these days- the power of the statement. And it goes: THIS TIME WATCH ME MOVING ON!!!
Sunday 24 May 2009
Thursday 21 May 2009
My dear invisible diary
It is the morning after. No pill for this situation though, a quick way to prevent a disaster. (Pardon my grim sense of humour.) I woke up from what felt years of sleeping, and I woke up tired, because of the confusing dreams, which now I don't even remember.
Yesterday I was afraid to go back to my little stuffy room, I was afraid of the ways of keeping myself away from the break up I was going to come up with, I am known for my destructive nature in difficult times, and I already burned the table, scratched the wall, spilled sweet apricot juice on the night stand and I never cleaned it....and all this was done in very good times indeed, I can only imagine the damage on the room if I'm upset :D
And I am upset. It is difficult to accept that a good thing has come to an end, because despite all the arguments, and all the negative emotions I am reading about in my previous posts, witch by the way in the perspective of a lonely summer I seem to have quickly forgotten, despite all that I was still shocked, I still found it so difficult to just stop being in love. It felt like I have been running until now, and all of a sudden he pressed the stop button and I stopped, but everything around me continued to move in a slow motion, surrounding me in a never ending chaos.
Alright, it wasn't really that dramatic :D Ironically, it was a perfect warm and sunny summer day, a day when people go to the beach and eat ice cream, not when the break up, but you can't really choose the weather can you...if I could I would have gone for a mini tornado :P
It was so strange, so strange...I was ready, I knew what was going to happen, but my brain refused to accept the inevitable, I was looking for signs that it has been only my imagination, that we are still good, but no....I am so sorry he has been torturing himself with me for so long, I wish I had given him his freedom long time ago, because now I am in a pickle, a really sour one...
I wont be describing the reasons why we parted here, I might leave them for the girly evenings with my friends, because they will ask me for sure and in their loving presence I am going to crack up and cry my eyes out..again :)) I so didn't want to cry yesterday, but I just couldn't help it. I will describe to you only my feelings and a few funny facts, as usual :) I cant understand why even when feeling a strong emotion I still think about the little details. When we were having that heavy conversation about separating, there were a few tourists on the bridge, taking pictures of the park, and we were definitely in the shot. I imagine them to be Japanese tourists, who in a few weeks time will be in Tokyo, in their apartment in a high modern building, looking at the green pictures from rural England, so different from their home, looking at the pretty park, at the meticulously cut grass and the arranged flower beds....and at the two little figures in the right corner, one of them getting her heart broken. Funny how much mystery a picture brings, in all its little details. I hope they lock this moment in a pretty picture box with pink lace framing it...it sounds so romantic a last place for this document of change.
Another funny fact-people are so embarrassed and scared by tears...Although I was trying my best not to cry, while making my way through town foolishly my eyes were filled with tears and there was no one single person, who didn't look away, as if embarrassed that another person is feeling sorrow. Oh well...what was I expecting, someone good natured to say something good naturely and erase all bad thoughts? I would have done the same, look away, leave people to their privacy...or even worse, approach them and make them tell me all about it, so I can write about their pain in my invisible notebook and create magical stories :))
Why was I so distressed?? I was prepared, I had felt so unhappy so many times, in the last few weeks my cold feet returned, making me think that trusting someone to this level is insane...And still yesterday was a slap in my face. I think I am afraid of my biggest fear itself- being alone. I have waited for so long before this relationship, so long even my closest friends started commenting upon my solitary ways, but no one knows what was happening in my head, how much I hated these endless months of being on my own, unable to deal with my doubting nature and dare flirt :)) I'm dreading the old comments, the mighty feeling of patheticness every time my friends joke about setting me up, in order to put an end to my monk period, and the even scarier thought of that being my only chance of some saucy fun times :)) But the hell with it, maybe this time I will overcome my shy nature and have a fantastic full of randomness summer :P I just hope my return home will not be dulled by all this.When I was 12 I believe, my parents sent me to my first ski camp, where I met a local boy and I danced my first slow dance ever :)) Naturally, my teenage emotions went wild, and after two weeks in the mountain I came back home, crying my eyes out, claiming that my life was over, haha :D I remember I didn't pay any attention to my parents and my mother got very offended, I was so rude...I am all grown up now and I promise I will cherish every second spent with my family, as they have been so sweet to me, feeling this early love disappointment as if their own :) And I am going to be all smiles and cheerfulness at the airport, despite them waiting for two people this time, and seeing just me and my old blue suitcase...ah bless, even thinking about them makes me feel light in my heart again :))
And all this must come to me as a wake up call, all good things have a beginning and an end, and placing someone else in the central place of ones life is not a good idea. Unless I see a little gold ring with some pretty diamonds on my left hand :P I am determined to make the most of my summer, enjoy myself, delight in the little harmless summer flirts, and keep myself away from the possible dark truth- I am still in love and there is nothing I can do.
Ans summer has come, and it is all around me. Different summer, yet mine.
Yesterday I was afraid to go back to my little stuffy room, I was afraid of the ways of keeping myself away from the break up I was going to come up with, I am known for my destructive nature in difficult times, and I already burned the table, scratched the wall, spilled sweet apricot juice on the night stand and I never cleaned it....and all this was done in very good times indeed, I can only imagine the damage on the room if I'm upset :D
And I am upset. It is difficult to accept that a good thing has come to an end, because despite all the arguments, and all the negative emotions I am reading about in my previous posts, witch by the way in the perspective of a lonely summer I seem to have quickly forgotten, despite all that I was still shocked, I still found it so difficult to just stop being in love. It felt like I have been running until now, and all of a sudden he pressed the stop button and I stopped, but everything around me continued to move in a slow motion, surrounding me in a never ending chaos.
Alright, it wasn't really that dramatic :D Ironically, it was a perfect warm and sunny summer day, a day when people go to the beach and eat ice cream, not when the break up, but you can't really choose the weather can you...if I could I would have gone for a mini tornado :P
It was so strange, so strange...I was ready, I knew what was going to happen, but my brain refused to accept the inevitable, I was looking for signs that it has been only my imagination, that we are still good, but no....I am so sorry he has been torturing himself with me for so long, I wish I had given him his freedom long time ago, because now I am in a pickle, a really sour one...
I wont be describing the reasons why we parted here, I might leave them for the girly evenings with my friends, because they will ask me for sure and in their loving presence I am going to crack up and cry my eyes out..again :)) I so didn't want to cry yesterday, but I just couldn't help it. I will describe to you only my feelings and a few funny facts, as usual :) I cant understand why even when feeling a strong emotion I still think about the little details. When we were having that heavy conversation about separating, there were a few tourists on the bridge, taking pictures of the park, and we were definitely in the shot. I imagine them to be Japanese tourists, who in a few weeks time will be in Tokyo, in their apartment in a high modern building, looking at the green pictures from rural England, so different from their home, looking at the pretty park, at the meticulously cut grass and the arranged flower beds....and at the two little figures in the right corner, one of them getting her heart broken. Funny how much mystery a picture brings, in all its little details. I hope they lock this moment in a pretty picture box with pink lace framing it...it sounds so romantic a last place for this document of change.
Another funny fact-people are so embarrassed and scared by tears...Although I was trying my best not to cry, while making my way through town foolishly my eyes were filled with tears and there was no one single person, who didn't look away, as if embarrassed that another person is feeling sorrow. Oh well...what was I expecting, someone good natured to say something good naturely and erase all bad thoughts? I would have done the same, look away, leave people to their privacy...or even worse, approach them and make them tell me all about it, so I can write about their pain in my invisible notebook and create magical stories :))
Why was I so distressed?? I was prepared, I had felt so unhappy so many times, in the last few weeks my cold feet returned, making me think that trusting someone to this level is insane...And still yesterday was a slap in my face. I think I am afraid of my biggest fear itself- being alone. I have waited for so long before this relationship, so long even my closest friends started commenting upon my solitary ways, but no one knows what was happening in my head, how much I hated these endless months of being on my own, unable to deal with my doubting nature and dare flirt :)) I'm dreading the old comments, the mighty feeling of patheticness every time my friends joke about setting me up, in order to put an end to my monk period, and the even scarier thought of that being my only chance of some saucy fun times :)) But the hell with it, maybe this time I will overcome my shy nature and have a fantastic full of randomness summer :P I just hope my return home will not be dulled by all this.When I was 12 I believe, my parents sent me to my first ski camp, where I met a local boy and I danced my first slow dance ever :)) Naturally, my teenage emotions went wild, and after two weeks in the mountain I came back home, crying my eyes out, claiming that my life was over, haha :D I remember I didn't pay any attention to my parents and my mother got very offended, I was so rude...I am all grown up now and I promise I will cherish every second spent with my family, as they have been so sweet to me, feeling this early love disappointment as if their own :) And I am going to be all smiles and cheerfulness at the airport, despite them waiting for two people this time, and seeing just me and my old blue suitcase...ah bless, even thinking about them makes me feel light in my heart again :))
And all this must come to me as a wake up call, all good things have a beginning and an end, and placing someone else in the central place of ones life is not a good idea. Unless I see a little gold ring with some pretty diamonds on my left hand :P I am determined to make the most of my summer, enjoy myself, delight in the little harmless summer flirts, and keep myself away from the possible dark truth- I am still in love and there is nothing I can do.
Ans summer has come, and it is all around me. Different summer, yet mine.
Tuesday 19 May 2009
Vreme Razdelno
Today I finished my last exam. All the academic stress is over and done with, now the only thing I need to do is think about my dissertation for next year and wait for my grades. Reading the previous sentence I realise I am not ready to let go, I am still looking for work to be done, as if the last few frantic months and the never ending dead line process have become my second nature :) Not really, as every self-respecting student i need only a few days to remember the bliss of the student summer and forget everything I learned the past year :P
This Friday is the last MPM event, I am so excited about it!! I have been thinking about the importance of the topic, tuition fees in university; the impact we are hoping it is going to make among the students; the little joys of organising it and worrying about it :)) I am often very harsh on myself, thought rarely admitting it (why here and now), and I often feel useless and stagnant, but being the chair of MPM makes me feel a little significant and fulfills my days to a great extent. Yes, I am a sad geek, what's your problem! Also, on the last event of the year I am going to chair the debate, so I am as excited as ever :)) Obviously, these are going to be my little 15 minutes of fame, when I will be standing in front of the audience, next to the speakers, participating....wow, I get butterflies in my tummy as if I'm in love :D No matter how sad and pretentious that is, MPM gave me something I want to do for life, in one way or another I want to participate in debates, organise events, write about them.....live them again and again in my own private time... geek power :P
I have to say, I am quite pleasantly surprised by my rather jolly mood. Its not only the stress, the rapidly growing homesickness, the gap left in my day with no uni work :P....looking back on my previous posts I realise in the last few months a powerful battle has been going on, so....strangely described in my writings. I have been trying to fit in a relationship, discover my place in it and understand for myself what it is like to commit to someone, and expect the same thing back....
Well, it didn't work :) I am writing in the eve of our last date, I believe, I am deeply convinced that tomorrow we are going to brake up, follow our completely different roads. I am so deeply convinced, I already cried my tears, went through the whole process of reassuring myself that nothing is over and I am still to find love and happiness, you know all that crap, I have been a walking stereotype all day, covered in chocolate chip cookies, tears and fluffy toys....I can gag with myself :)) So tonight, writing these lines, I am quite calm indeed, just waiting for the inevitable, desperately trying not to act as if I am 13 all over again, but put reason before emotions and just...stay bloody positive :D
So what most of the time things were not happening according to my plan. So what many times I was nothing but an observer, a total pushover. So what he suddenly went cold on me, however torturing me to tears, not letting me go, giving me false hopes that it all will be fine in the end. So what I probably bored him to death, suffocated him with my all consuming emotions, tried to keep him for me, making plans, building future....Yes, I am bitter, but the last seven months have not been in vain, I realised I can fall in love and I can perfectly commit to one man and try and make him happy, being happy too. It just didn't work out this time, but this is not the end.
I even packed his things and I am going to give them to him tomorrow, along with his little silver heart. I will throw away all the cards, erase all the messages, all the pictures, him from my friend lists, not from my thoughts....I will miss his warmth in the bed in the middle of the night, his heavy cuddle, the feeling of bliss and security waking me up, even his silly jokes and lovely smell.....if I am going to cry it will be in the middle of the night. I'll keep Bulgbarian, the fluffy dog/bear....and I'll hug him as if my life depended on him.
In my favourite Bulgarian book about the Ottoman slavery in my country it is said that a time of separation has come, all will have to chose whether to go to the left or to the right. And no one shell remain in the middle. Vreme razdelno. Just like that tomorrow I'll choose my path and soon....move on.
Summer is coming :))
This Friday is the last MPM event, I am so excited about it!! I have been thinking about the importance of the topic, tuition fees in university; the impact we are hoping it is going to make among the students; the little joys of organising it and worrying about it :)) I am often very harsh on myself, thought rarely admitting it (why here and now), and I often feel useless and stagnant, but being the chair of MPM makes me feel a little significant and fulfills my days to a great extent. Yes, I am a sad geek, what's your problem! Also, on the last event of the year I am going to chair the debate, so I am as excited as ever :)) Obviously, these are going to be my little 15 minutes of fame, when I will be standing in front of the audience, next to the speakers, participating....wow, I get butterflies in my tummy as if I'm in love :D No matter how sad and pretentious that is, MPM gave me something I want to do for life, in one way or another I want to participate in debates, organise events, write about them.....live them again and again in my own private time... geek power :P
I have to say, I am quite pleasantly surprised by my rather jolly mood. Its not only the stress, the rapidly growing homesickness, the gap left in my day with no uni work :P....looking back on my previous posts I realise in the last few months a powerful battle has been going on, so....strangely described in my writings. I have been trying to fit in a relationship, discover my place in it and understand for myself what it is like to commit to someone, and expect the same thing back....
Well, it didn't work :) I am writing in the eve of our last date, I believe, I am deeply convinced that tomorrow we are going to brake up, follow our completely different roads. I am so deeply convinced, I already cried my tears, went through the whole process of reassuring myself that nothing is over and I am still to find love and happiness, you know all that crap, I have been a walking stereotype all day, covered in chocolate chip cookies, tears and fluffy toys....I can gag with myself :)) So tonight, writing these lines, I am quite calm indeed, just waiting for the inevitable, desperately trying not to act as if I am 13 all over again, but put reason before emotions and just...stay bloody positive :D
So what most of the time things were not happening according to my plan. So what many times I was nothing but an observer, a total pushover. So what he suddenly went cold on me, however torturing me to tears, not letting me go, giving me false hopes that it all will be fine in the end. So what I probably bored him to death, suffocated him with my all consuming emotions, tried to keep him for me, making plans, building future....Yes, I am bitter, but the last seven months have not been in vain, I realised I can fall in love and I can perfectly commit to one man and try and make him happy, being happy too. It just didn't work out this time, but this is not the end.
I even packed his things and I am going to give them to him tomorrow, along with his little silver heart. I will throw away all the cards, erase all the messages, all the pictures, him from my friend lists, not from my thoughts....I will miss his warmth in the bed in the middle of the night, his heavy cuddle, the feeling of bliss and security waking me up, even his silly jokes and lovely smell.....if I am going to cry it will be in the middle of the night. I'll keep Bulgbarian, the fluffy dog/bear....and I'll hug him as if my life depended on him.
In my favourite Bulgarian book about the Ottoman slavery in my country it is said that a time of separation has come, all will have to chose whether to go to the left or to the right. And no one shell remain in the middle. Vreme razdelno. Just like that tomorrow I'll choose my path and soon....move on.
Summer is coming :))
Friday 8 May 2009
Flowers in the window
Today is a brighter day, and the sky seems much higher, today its not a limit. My flowers woke me with their smell and again it hit me-I am happy and someone is the reason for it so many times a day :)
There is nothing wrong neither with me,nor my beau, nor our love, nor love in general. Stressful times may poison everything, and little things are cruel, but hope must prevail, patience must rule, until the endless days of summer come.
I am taking my own advise- concentrate on the happy thoughts, and cherish what I've been given. I have little power to control things, so I might as well let go of it and let things happen, whatever happens happens. Rock-and-roll in the mean time :) (as you can see, exam stress hasn't done anything to my pretentiousness :)
This week's song, potentially going to Personal Top 5 : "Music is Power"- Richard Ashcroft
Music is power
let it flow through your mind
let it flow through your mind
your just like a flower
in the deep sunshine
are you invited
to the party of life
now you've been sighted
do you live till you die
these are wild wild wild days we live in,
yes i know sometimes we all wanna give in
these are strange strange vein days of living,
yea i know sometimes we all wanna give in
don't give up
oh no all right
let the melody flow
all night all night
cuz music is power
it's easily sold
rocking like a cradle
it won't let you go
if the melodys timeless
it won't let you down
feel the air moving
submit to the sound
in these wild wild wild days you live in,
yes i know sometimes you all wanna give in
these are strange strange vein days of living,
i know sometimes we all wanna give in
don't give up
oh no all right
let the melody flow
all night all night
after all we go through
the endless crime
bad days good fortune
are things you find
cuz music is the mantra
unwinding your head
music is the question
to things unsaid
these are wild wild wild days you live in,
yeah i know sometimes we all wanna fit in
these are strange strange vein days of living,
yeah i know sometimes that ya just don't fit in
dont give in,
dont give up
dont pack it up,
stop cracking up
let the song
carry you on
keep you strong
don't wanna control ya
cuz music is the power
submit to the sound
feel the air moving, moving
submit to the sound
feel the air moving, moving
Wednesday 6 May 2009
Geisha
Life has many faces. When you combine these faces with your own mental instability you end up with a whole variety of emotions, all of them strong, all of them tearing you apart. Plus, it is a well known fact that students are nut cases right before exams, so there you go, the spring juices already flow in my blood and I am as crazy and raging as possible :))
Life is good. Life is great, life can make your taste buds crazy with emotions and flavours, so intense you lose the solid ground under your feet :)) I love life with a passion, and in days like this I also feel loved. I did my presentation in Political Practise and Research this morning, it went brilliantly :)) The topic was my kind of topic (journalism and Fair Trade), I was confident and calm, and just the right amount enthusiastic ;) At that point I felt amazing, facing my sunny future, absolutely sure what I want to do with my life, and ready to start working upon it :)
Here is where I say a few words about journalism. After wanting to be a princess, archaeologist and vulcanologist (in that order:) I found myself thinking more and more about a career in journalism. I am not a stunning beauty, nor a sex bomb, nor the brightest academic around. But what I am for sure is funny and original, and most of all- I posses a BIG mouth :)) Somehow I end up talking a lot, more then necessary and sometimes that gets me in trouble. Also, despite trying to fight that side of me, as I believe it can be very destructive, I have a passion. For life, for my partner, for truth, for argument, for journalism, for altruistic politics- I have it. People pick on it, they use it as a negative thing, trying to put me down, make me feel inadequate, naive and shallow, a spoiled brat with an easy life, having a passion because she hasn't encountered anything bad and difficult. I think that's a load of rubbish, I have had my black days, but I keep them under cover and I roll with the passion :)) That's why I believe I can be good in journalism. My passion and my big mouth, my love for argument and research, as well as creativity, one day might earn my money :) I was always picked on for wanting to write and writing well. In secondary school I was a geek, In high school I was a pretentious geek. In uni..it pays to be a geek, but I'm still as pretentious as ever ;) I'm loving it though, honestly, one day this is going to be my signature trait - Ivanka Antova...or the gosh-how-cool-and-different-I-am report lol
Although journalism is my dream (aahh..), I am clever enough not to narrow my variety of choices, in the end of the day I want to have a good life (yes, fucking material good life, leave me alone!), I want to have a kid and provide for it, so I'm gonna work whatever pays the bills...at least until I am rich and I can be a freelancer...until then my blog is my white canvas :P
And another reason, why I have been fighting the dark moods of lover's misunderstanding and pre-exam stress...I am truly blessed! I rarely choose to talk about God...its a topic too broad and too heavy for my blog I believe, at least for now....However...I respect Him. I do and I know He chooses various places and ways to try and make me listen. The other day I was lying with my beau in bed, and I had my head under his arm, in a sort of warm and safe place...and there was music coming form the other room...and then it really hit me that this is extraordinary, that its a gift and I should enjoy it and cherish it....and appreciate it. And I told God straight forward in His face that I am happy. As happy as a nude savage on the beach, looking at at the blue water, munching a banana, being part of the whole blissful beauty :)) And He knows how to choose his place and time of spreading the wisdom! :) Currently I am watching "Celebrity Big Brother" in home Bulgaria, and it is full of freaks, the usual sort of people you can find in these programmes, but the cause made me realise how good I have it, and how stupid I am to try and look for reasons to make myself miserable. This year the show is fundraising money for children with different disabilities and severe sicknesses. Currently they have raised more then 1 000 000 levs (our currency, £1=2.3 levs) which is amazing! :) It was a group of blind children that made me realise how pathetic I am, and how unbelievably lucky,blessed and...lucky! I am!! Both my parents have disabilities.... however, they are both brilliant, much wiser and stronger then me, and I have never known them in any other way, so for me they feel complete. I know in details what they have been through, but only after seeing the kids, listening to theirs stories, seeing their spirit, will to live and fight, that sheer happiness and joy from life, which I transform in my messed up head in ugly moodiness, I realised.....the people I have in my life and around me are undiscovered jewels and I should look up to them and stop looking for excuses for being miserable :))
Easily said than done....
These days the storms are still here, no matter how hard I try to push them away and feel the happiness, feel strong in myself again... But the same old things continue, someone feels not good enough, someone feels pressured, someone says he wants to stay and acts as if he wants to run, someone ties me down with sweet and sensitive gestures, makes the fire turn into explosion, and then leaves me in wrecks with a single word, with a single look, leaving me to my worries while marching the streets with other people...with that other girl. I am tired of my own silence,of the rule of "I'm always OK, I only cry in secret" and one of these days I am going to scream my pain out, I'm gonna gamble and come out of my own fucking closet...I need more, I'm not OK, I need to be safe.
Depeche, good old timeless Depeche Mode said it once, words are meaningless and forgettable...I want silence, I need proven claims....Loving is not saying it.....It fucking making the other person know it so well it hurts them with joy. But am I following my own rules....do I show my love? This will be in next time, when the exam demons release me and I can get to write sensible things again. (this post is rubbish, I apologise). In case I'm not...just let me go.
I am like the flowers on my window....I am beautiful and innocent and spreading my cheerfulness....But the idea behind me, the bitter taste I leave, and the tears on the leafs are also there..a secret.
Life is good. Life is great, life can make your taste buds crazy with emotions and flavours, so intense you lose the solid ground under your feet :)) I love life with a passion, and in days like this I also feel loved. I did my presentation in Political Practise and Research this morning, it went brilliantly :)) The topic was my kind of topic (journalism and Fair Trade), I was confident and calm, and just the right amount enthusiastic ;) At that point I felt amazing, facing my sunny future, absolutely sure what I want to do with my life, and ready to start working upon it :)
Here is where I say a few words about journalism. After wanting to be a princess, archaeologist and vulcanologist (in that order:) I found myself thinking more and more about a career in journalism. I am not a stunning beauty, nor a sex bomb, nor the brightest academic around. But what I am for sure is funny and original, and most of all- I posses a BIG mouth :)) Somehow I end up talking a lot, more then necessary and sometimes that gets me in trouble. Also, despite trying to fight that side of me, as I believe it can be very destructive, I have a passion. For life, for my partner, for truth, for argument, for journalism, for altruistic politics- I have it. People pick on it, they use it as a negative thing, trying to put me down, make me feel inadequate, naive and shallow, a spoiled brat with an easy life, having a passion because she hasn't encountered anything bad and difficult. I think that's a load of rubbish, I have had my black days, but I keep them under cover and I roll with the passion :)) That's why I believe I can be good in journalism. My passion and my big mouth, my love for argument and research, as well as creativity, one day might earn my money :) I was always picked on for wanting to write and writing well. In secondary school I was a geek, In high school I was a pretentious geek. In uni..it pays to be a geek, but I'm still as pretentious as ever ;) I'm loving it though, honestly, one day this is going to be my signature trait - Ivanka Antova...or the gosh-how-cool-and-different-I-am report lol
Although journalism is my dream (aahh..), I am clever enough not to narrow my variety of choices, in the end of the day I want to have a good life (yes, fucking material good life, leave me alone!), I want to have a kid and provide for it, so I'm gonna work whatever pays the bills...at least until I am rich and I can be a freelancer...until then my blog is my white canvas :P
And another reason, why I have been fighting the dark moods of lover's misunderstanding and pre-exam stress...I am truly blessed! I rarely choose to talk about God...its a topic too broad and too heavy for my blog I believe, at least for now....However...I respect Him. I do and I know He chooses various places and ways to try and make me listen. The other day I was lying with my beau in bed, and I had my head under his arm, in a sort of warm and safe place...and there was music coming form the other room...and then it really hit me that this is extraordinary, that its a gift and I should enjoy it and cherish it....and appreciate it. And I told God straight forward in His face that I am happy. As happy as a nude savage on the beach, looking at at the blue water, munching a banana, being part of the whole blissful beauty :)) And He knows how to choose his place and time of spreading the wisdom! :) Currently I am watching "Celebrity Big Brother" in home Bulgaria, and it is full of freaks, the usual sort of people you can find in these programmes, but the cause made me realise how good I have it, and how stupid I am to try and look for reasons to make myself miserable. This year the show is fundraising money for children with different disabilities and severe sicknesses. Currently they have raised more then 1 000 000 levs (our currency, £1=2.3 levs) which is amazing! :) It was a group of blind children that made me realise how pathetic I am, and how unbelievably lucky,blessed and...lucky! I am!! Both my parents have disabilities.... however, they are both brilliant, much wiser and stronger then me, and I have never known them in any other way, so for me they feel complete. I know in details what they have been through, but only after seeing the kids, listening to theirs stories, seeing their spirit, will to live and fight, that sheer happiness and joy from life, which I transform in my messed up head in ugly moodiness, I realised.....the people I have in my life and around me are undiscovered jewels and I should look up to them and stop looking for excuses for being miserable :))
Easily said than done....
These days the storms are still here, no matter how hard I try to push them away and feel the happiness, feel strong in myself again... But the same old things continue, someone feels not good enough, someone feels pressured, someone says he wants to stay and acts as if he wants to run, someone ties me down with sweet and sensitive gestures, makes the fire turn into explosion, and then leaves me in wrecks with a single word, with a single look, leaving me to my worries while marching the streets with other people...with that other girl. I am tired of my own silence,of the rule of "I'm always OK, I only cry in secret" and one of these days I am going to scream my pain out, I'm gonna gamble and come out of my own fucking closet...I need more, I'm not OK, I need to be safe.
Depeche, good old timeless Depeche Mode said it once, words are meaningless and forgettable...I want silence, I need proven claims....Loving is not saying it.....It fucking making the other person know it so well it hurts them with joy. But am I following my own rules....do I show my love? This will be in next time, when the exam demons release me and I can get to write sensible things again. (this post is rubbish, I apologise). In case I'm not...just let me go.
I am like the flowers on my window....I am beautiful and innocent and spreading my cheerfulness....But the idea behind me, the bitter taste I leave, and the tears on the leafs are also there..a secret.
"She paints her face to hide her face.
Her eyes are deep water.
She dances. She sings.She entertains you.
Whatever you want.
The rest is shadows.
The rest is secrets."
("Memoirs of a Geisha")
I am Geisha.
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