Pusta Mladost

Many times I have attempted to write in my blog whenever I was feeling sad. If the emotions are overpowering me, then writing seems to work out well, it seems to help me put my mind in order and start looking for a way to make things better. Tonight I will prove my writer's nature wrong and write when I'm happy, when I'm at peace and when things seem to happen just right. I'll be pulling the Devil's tail ;))

Not that this week was without its dramas. One of them was beyond serious, and probably every international student, or every person who is away from home for one reason or another will relate to me. My granddad is very very old, something like 89 years old. he is not exactly ill, just his body is so worn out and brittle, that he gets himself into trouble a lot. This week he fell in front of the bathroom and broke his head. He is well now, thank God, but he had to go to hospital and now has stitches on his head....My Grandma was also scared, she cannot stand blood...I learnt the news from my dad's email...I knew he is better, but still I got so scared, and my old feelings of guilt were revived...Every person who is away from home knows that feeling well. Whatever the reason we left, there is always someone,or something, that we left behind, and ever so often we feel like we have betrayed, or forsaken, or forgotten, those people or things, in our search for a better life. I had a dream that night. I was with my mother, and were travelling, couldn't tell whether from England to Bulgaria, or the other way around, but it doesn't matter anyway. So were walking and talking, like we often do in real life, and mom told me someone close to me from my two worlds had died. I broke into tears, and I told my mom that I am never there, NEVER. Whatever I do, however I choose to live my life, I will never be on both places at the same time....the dilemma of the travellers :))

But it was just a dream...In real life my emotions are not that complicated, they are more mixed. I am now only a few weeks before going back home for Christmas. On one hand, I know my family are counting the days, I know they need to see them, and I need to see them, because they are my roots, they supply me with strength, and hope, and security. I am going home for a month, and it will be amazing, all my family, the food I'm so used to and I miss so much, the language, the traditions, the familiar sights so close to my heart, the customs and traditions, the snow, the mountains...the memories :)) It will be great...and at the same time its too close, and its too long :) Because now there is someone new, someone who grows in importance, and is on the edge of becoming vital for my survival, both physical, because my body misses him, and emotional, because...well, he makes me feel like never before :)) Full of life, and good thoughts, and dreams even.... :) If I put him in the same paragraph as my family than I do value him as belonging to my most precious group of people :))

I deliberately try not to be too cheesy and sentimental, as I know certain people read this blog...including my father :S (hey Dad:) But I can't really help it, I'm at that sickening sweet stage, when walks under the rain, and candles, and sitting on his knees in cafes, and making out in the cinema, and holding hands all the time, and cuddling for a whole weekend, plus wearing his PJs and Queen's Uni hoodie all the bloody time, feels so so good, like a drug :P The more he gives me all these sweet sweet emotions, the more I want them, the more I want to drawn him in me and absorb him....spooky :))

Simply put, I'm happily in love :) Like a kid, like a proper teenager, like a grown up, like a mental case, like a desperate person, like a lunatic, like a woman, like a....like I am :)) I was lying next to him this morning, in a happy half asleep stage, while watching a movie he downloaded especially for me (blaaagh I know, put just throw up now and give me a break:P), and I was thinking...am I going to get it right this time? I sure didn't the last time, unfortunately I learnt more bitter lessons than anything else...But I am astonished by the revival powers a human heart possess, with all its brittleness....I thought I will be angry and desperate for a long long time, but these days, to keep in harmony with all the happiness and security I receive without a doubt, I'm starting to think that the one before was not love, or if it was, it was shy one, a wrong one, too little too late or early one...a love never meant to happen. Please God let me be right for once, but this one feels different. Feels ripe, ready to bloom and blossom, ready to explode.....fuck it, I might well be ready for the big one, or at least now....I sure want to stay for the ride :))

It's 1.30 am...and I still have an essay to write. Plus, I am staying true to my Bulgarian suspicious negative nature :P If you talk about what makes you happy and whole too much you are pulling the Devil by the tail, provoking him to crush your pride and take away what is most important for you. But I know a way to keep the Devil away. You pin his tail to the table with a mirror,so he can't move :) Listen to me, Devil! I am pinning you down! This time I want it to work, I want it to happen, and to be huge, so I can see exactly how glorious we are in our human shyness and brittle nature.....still capable of handling the most strong and maddening feelings :))

For now that is all, I don't have the words to blog :)

"Nothing Really Matters"

When I was very young
Nothing really mattered to me
But making myself happy
I was the only one
Now that I am grown
Everything's changed
I'll never be the same
Because of you.

Nothing really matters
Love is all we need
Everything I give you
All comes back to me.

Looking at my life
It's very clear to me
I lived so selfishly
I was the only one
I realize
That nobody wins
Something is ending
And something begins

Nothing takes the past away
Like the future
Nothing makes the darkness go
Like the light
You're shelter from the storm
Give me comfort in your arms.

Madonna

Basically

I had a lovely night and a lovely day (at least the light part of it), a nice contrast to my super busy week at uni, so right now I probably need to study, but I feel like blogging :))

It's funny times...yesterday was Halloween, and also an year since..well things changed. I was anticipating this day, getting a bit nervous about it, worrying whether I have moved on, whether I have managed to forget and all that other emotional crap....And I am happy about the results :)) I had a lovely time, with plenty of smooches through a mask and white hair spray, it was magic :D And I didn't care, and didn't get bothered, just....in the middle of the night I half woke myself up, cuddled next to him...and just wondered about how things look soo different after a year, and how much happier I feel and...is there a limit to this feeling? :) I don't know, and I don't care right now, I'm just planning to stay happy for a long time...hopefully both of us share my genius plan lol :))

Talking about happy.....I find myself in my room again. Since last year, when I was living in a house where nobody really liked me, and I didn't really like them. So I used to stay in my room a lot, do everything in there, like eating, reading, watching TV, just on my own. I have never been too good about separating myself from the others...maybe its because my house in Sofia is always full of people and we do a lot of things together. Or maybe because I've always been a bit of a loner. Shy child, awkward teenager, deep into my thoughts adolescent...I've always been somehow on my own, and funnily I've always wanted to be surrounded by close friends, so we can hang out, and play games, and eat meals, and share secrets..and always be together! Something like a sickeningly happy version of "Friends" :))

In the beginning my new house was perfect! :) I put the worrying thoughts in the back of my head and for a few months it was amazing, we were cooking together, shopping together, watching movies together, it was so good :)) Some of the girls I didn't know before, with one of them in particular I got along so well, we seemed to be on the right way, talking a lot and liking each other...and then things changed,almost over night...

The silliest thing girls usually fall out are boys, that simple. It happened that me and her liked the same boy. Or more like it she liked him, and didn't do a lot to show it or pursue it; and I liked him but tried to avoid it, because of her. But everything, especially feelings, catch up with you in the end, and you can do little to stop them. I am not saying this to make myself sound a better person, I know what I did was wrong. But in the end of the day every medal has two sights, there is no one ultimate truth. I'm not going to go into details, but lets just say that I also have my version of the story, I think I did the right choice as well, and my constantly growing feelings reassure me for that every day.

I apologised a hundred times, I made a few sweet little gestures, I cried in secret in my room, feeling isolated and secluded, and worst of all guilty as hell...But things got better, me and her started talking again, she saw I was serious in my intentions, she also saw my weak side, when I got scared by my own emotions and deceptive nature and freaked out, so I thought there is no grudge held, and me and her are finally OK with each other, just the way we are,flaws and all.

Alas, no! Yesterday, despite having a great Halloween time, full costumes and make up and laughter, in the end we were "fighting" again, me and her. For some reason, which honestly is not too clear to me, she seems to get annoyed with me all the time, no matter what I do or say, she seems to dislike my opinion, the very sound of my voice. While she is getting closer to the other girls of the house, I find myself in my room again, secluded, because I don't want to go and see her ignoring me again, or giving me cold looks and attitude. I seem to care so much not because I'm helpless, but because I like her, and I want to keep the illusion of a happy house for as much as I can...How pathetic of me eh....

I know I sound very uptight, and I actually am. My brother often says I have no sense of humour, or that I am hypersensitive and I take everything too seriously. I know I linger in my thoughts a lot. Over the years I adopted the habit or re-thinking every word and action, creating theories about the, making assumptions....Some people may say I love the "drama". Even now I am probably thinking about it too much, just because people are not 24/7 happy around me, or with me, doesn't mean they hate me. That is actually quite a pressure on people, making them always be nice to me. But it doesn't help my doubting nature. I've already accepted this personality trait of mine- I want people to like me and I am afraid of doing wrong. So right now I feel bad, I feel guilty once again, for something that is not even that serious. It might sound big headed, and that is my hurt feelings speaking instead of me, but people should really give up the attitude, It's not like I'm stupid and can't tell when they are unhappy with me, I can perfectly tell and they might as well come up to me and tell me, I can't forever try and guess and feel super awkward and guilty in the meantime...

Maybe its because I have different opinion sometimes....I'm always worried about my argumentative nature. I can speak well, i think...and if I feel passionate about something I can really defend a point of few. Honestly, the fact that I'm reading a lot also makes me feel more comfortable in my arguments, and sometimes i can get quite intense. Someone told me that this is the whole point of arguing, interrupting the others to get your point across in the best way. Maybe I am too meek for my own good, I always worry about offending the other people, or even worse, making them not like me anymore :)) In that sense...well fuck it, if she got annoyed with me disagreeing, or trying to get a point across, well it's not my problem!! I am not a rude mean person, I'm pretty sure I didn't offend her directly...but in arguments, can you tell?...

To sum up....I can hear most of my housemates downstairs in the kitchen making dinner, laughing together. I am in my room, eating chocolate and bitching about crap online. I am feeling low because of that....and incredibly high for other reasons. These days only the charm and humour of the Irish, as well as the smooches, keep me smiling and I am so grateful :)) I might as well stop being pathetic and go downstairs and face them, it can't be so bad.....I have plenty of things to look forward to, and if he likes me I'm fine. Basically ;))